A Prayer Answered

Last night was rough. I haven't been sleeping very well after a sequence of abuse-related nightmares Saturday night and by the time I got to counseling I was exhausted, not wanting to even get close to working on what I needed to. We read through a few journal entries I wrote before Thanksgiving that offered some insight to her about where I am emotionally.

The pain and loneliness that oozed from my words still stings.

I feel so alone. I have pushed everyone away from me because they have not been safe, supportive people in the past... but in doing this, I have left myself alone. "What can you do to remedy that?", A inquired. "How do you go from being superficial friends with someone, to someone who you let know things, to someone you let see how you feel things? How do you know someone is a trustworthy person; someone you can confide in?"

Basically I don't have anyone in my life that fits into that trustworthy category right now except for the women in my C.R. group. Specifically, two women that have reached out to me and taken me under their wings. So taking my homework assignment in stride, I took a step towards a putting myself out there; letting my pain be known to someone else besides myself. I will see her tomorrow at C.R., when I can talk to her face to face, but I sent her a Facebook message last night, in the throes of my pain and tears...

What do you do when you feel so alone that God suddenly isn't enough? I know if I keep my eyes on Him, He will comfort me but how do you counter that with wanting someone to comfort and support you?I don't know how much more I can start uncovering in therapy by myself. I just want to curl up on the floor and quit until someone notices I'm down there. How am I supposed to keep going?


You keep going because God isn't finished with you yet. You keep going because He never gives us more than we can handle. I Corinthians 10:13 says....."No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it." This is the way it is said in the NIV Bible and although not usually one to like the way The Message Bible reads, I thought it was better said...."No test or temptation that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face. All you need to remember is that God will never let you down; he'll never let you be pushed past your limit; he'll always be there to help you come through it."

Making God enough is a challenge for everyone. We are all faced with wanting something we don't have or with a feeling that we NEED something to make our lives better. I struggle with this! You heard me at C.R. the other night how I struggle with wanting a spouse in my life. It is my deepest desire. I struggle with making God enough on a daily basis! So it's a daily sometimes hourly decision I have to make to give it to Him and ask Him to make Him enough. Luke 9:23 says..."Then he said to them all: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me." It is a daily decision to deny ourselves and follow Him. Don't look to how much you will have to uncover in therapy by yourself. Look at it as, today what will God and I uncover together.

So many people have told me over the years when I talked about my desire to be married again..."you have to make God enough first" and most of the times I wanted to punch them in the face! :) Yeah....blah, blah, blah, I know I have to make God enough, but what do I do with this burning desire I have? Contentment is a hard place to get to, but the one thing I have figured out is that being content is not never having a desire that isn't met, but it's having that desire and having faith to wait for God to give it. You have to be content where God has you right now..even though you see it as a bad place. God won't have to find you curled up on the floor, because He will be down there with you. He hears your cries and it pains Him, but He has greater purpose for your suffering than to just let you out of them. I know this may be difficult to believe right now, but take it from someone that has been there before.....He WILL use it someday and then you will understand and glorify Him for it. God is the God of broken people and we are His most prized possessions. Because it is when we are broken that He can fix us and then use us to help fix others that are broken. How could I write this encouraging email to you if for not that I have been EXACTLY where you are and have made it through? I have curled up on the floor with a bottle of sleeping pills in my hand, but God wasn't finished with me yet because He knew that one day this beautiful woman named Lily would need me to encourage her! I absolutely love God for that!

But no amount of words from me will encourage more than the words written in the Bible. Go read it. Go devour it.

Do me a favor? Write the following scriptures on a notecard and take it with you the next time you go to therapy.

"I will go before you
and will level the mountains ;
I will break down gates of bronze
and cut through bars of iron.

I will give you the treasures of darkness,
riches stored in secret places,
so that you may know that I am the LORD,
the God of Israel, who summons you by name.

These are found in Isaiah 45:2-3 and next to them I have written "healing!"

I will be praying for you!

I read this at work and cried, because for just a minute, I didn't feel so alone anymore. Maybe God is giving me exactly what I've prayed for.


Secretia said...
December 10, 2009 at 12:24 AM
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Just Be Real said...
December 10, 2009 at 3:54 AM
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Mary said...
December 10, 2009 at 7:34 AM

Oh sweetie, I read both your question and S.T.'s reply - with tears in my eyes. I am so glad you reached out to her. Her counsel is wise. I know it is scary, but God uses the arms and words of others to comfort us. Part of the struggle is reaching out, and opening up our hearts - which when they have been crushed is hard. But because you are held securely by God you can do it!!

Harriet said...
December 10, 2009 at 6:12 PM

How courageous of you to share your pain with someone. And what a lovely response you got from her.

sarah said...
December 12, 2009 at 6:07 PM

"You keep going because God isn't finished with you yet. You keep going because He never gives us more than we can handle" Wow this is great.....Hang onto that..I believe. Always in your corner. Sarah

Colleen said...
December 13, 2009 at 4:47 PM

Your prayer was answered. I like to say that, though I know God is always with me, sometimes I need someone with "skin on!" Blessings and hugs.

Tina said...
January 4, 2010 at 2:57 PM

What a touching and soul-exposing post. You are a brave woman to allow the others to know that you are sad and that you are feeling overwhelmed by the grip of depression. I truly believe that the bravery you displayed in writing this post will carry you far in life.
I'm so glad that you have found refuge in two women in your group. I hope that you continue to allow others to know the real you and to see you smile as well as cry.
I'm praying for you.
Honestly, I'm inspired by you!