Ready or Not

I've been wondering what to blog about for my 100th post in 2009. I didn't want something trivial, but something that really spoke to those who read this blog and something that really came from within.

I've been somewhat disconnected these last two weeks, focusing more on getting through the last week of work, then heading out to spend time with my dad and stepmom, all the while having to get over the fact that my sister couldn't come with me. I got stuck in the vicious cycle of "should" statements and guilt, followed by bouts of entitlement.

"I should be journaling like A asked."

(Guilt)

"But I don't want to. I've earned a week off where I am not constantly observing and analyzing my every thought and emotion."

And repeat. I'm not sure if my entitlement is warranted or if it my denial finding more clever ways of surfacing. Either way, I didn't journal a single day since I last saw A. I never really felt I had anything to journal about until Friday, when my sister picked me up at the airport. She hesitantly told me that she and her BF were patching things up (after a nasty break-up 6 months ago ending a 5 year relationship). This really took me off guard. I don't approve of her getting back together with him because I don't think he will change, but I didn't say anything to her that made her aware of my disapproval. I know she already seeks my approval, so I don't want to make her feel guilty for making choices in her life. She is an adult.

That being said, I could not let it go. I obsessed over it all weekend. Why is she doing this? More so, why do I care so much? Of course I care because she is my sister and I don't want her to get hurt, but this was something more. It took me a while to put my finger on it.

Envy. How green it is.

However unhealthy her relationship with him is, she has someone who cares about her. She has someone she calls her best friend and can talk to about anything. She is getting that back, and it was a sharp slap in the face. I've never had that. Of course, I've never been in a place where I could get that, but as scary as it is for me to acknowledge, I think I'm ready for that now. I'm ready for the best friend and confidante. I'm ready for the trust and emotional connection. Realizing this has brought out my old friend anxiety.

I am not ready for the physical connection.

I think about it and it almost brings me to tears. It made me want to cut this weekend. It has been the number one source of pain and unanswerable questions since Friday... and I don't think it is going away any time soon.

10 comments:

Finally Free said...
December 28, 2009 at 6:38 PM
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Mike Golch said...
December 28, 2009 at 9:47 PM

congrats on your 100th posting.

Mike Golch said...
December 28, 2009 at 9:54 PM

I forgot to tell you I came over Finally Free's Blog. and I am adding you to my Recovery Blog Roll,this listing contains all types of people in recovery.I hope that you donot mind.

Being Me said...
December 28, 2009 at 9:54 PM
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Colleen said...
December 28, 2009 at 11:33 PM

Congrats on your 100th post. Hugs.

Shattered said...
December 29, 2009 at 11:20 AM

Congrats on your 100th post. I totally get the guilt thing; I'm also a big believer in taking breaks. You may have not written in your journal but look at the point that you arrived at here in your blog post. You hit the profound nail on the head when you found the source of your feelings... envy in this case. I watched my own sister make maddening choices in her own life so I feel for you there. Hang in there and I hope you have a wonderful and prosperous New Year! I am very glad to have found your blog. :)

Harriet said...
December 29, 2009 at 6:54 PM

Congrats on number 100! I think it's very insightful of you to figure out the source of your obsessive thoughts about your sister. You can have a best friend and confidante without a physical connection. And then when you are ready, you'll be ready.

Just Be Real said...
December 29, 2009 at 7:26 PM
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
imaginenamaste said...
December 30, 2009 at 10:31 AM

Happy 100th post!

I really relate to you on the relationship. My close friends are all in serious relationship and I hear how much complaining they have about their significant other....but I want it. But, not ready.

Thinking about you....

((((HUG))))

sarah said...
December 30, 2009 at 6:22 PM
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.