Confusion

***Trigger Warning***

I've been thinking a lot lately about my abuse.

It started off just reflecting on my year, realizing how far I have come from this time last year. I hadn't even disclosed my abuse to A a year ago. I didn't even think I could talk about it. I was so afraid. The pain was so fresh. That pain has dulled a lot over the past 12 months, for which I am eternally grateful. I can't imagine being in that much pain all the time.

But with the dulling of the pain has brought forth some confusion. I can think about my abuse and be hurt that it happened, but the pain isn't there with it. I don't know how to think about my abuse without having that sharp pain of betrayal, anger, disgust, etc stabbing at me. I almost feel like I am past the point of being "allowed" to let it bother me anymore. Or more so, let it affect my life anymore.

I was reading through some of my fellow bloggers posts and it has become more and more apparent that these women were subjected to long-term sexual abuse and rape. I was not. I was abused once. In my readings, I came across an anonymous comment someone had left about not knowing what it was like to be sexually abused, except maybe if you counted being "genitally probed" by her neighbors son as a teenager, under a blanket while watching a movie with their families.

I don't know what to do with that. It really hurt to read that comment because it was so brushed off... like, oh I don't even classify that as abuse, just something that I wish didn't happen but I'll survive. It really angered me and I only was abused once. I didn't incur daily or even weekly abuse. I didn't have to hide when I heard footsteps. So why is my view of this experience so much different than this anonymous poster?

I have spent the last two years of my life in freefall trying to recover from the acknowledgement of the abuse even happening, how it affected my life as I lived in denial, how to change my perceptions of men and start to trust people. Especially now that the pain has dulled, I feel like I made a huge deal out of something that wasn't. I mean, this person doesn't even view their experience as abuse. Is it different because the boy was her age? Is it different to me because my abuser was 40 years older than me?

I have been spending a lot of my time lately just trying to gain some perspective on everything and I am not getting anywhere. I am very confused.

13 comments:

Madison said...
January 1, 2010 at 6:14 PM

The man you describe is dangerous and should be in jail. Having written that, I know that God can heal even the deepest wounds and the fact that you can allow other things to define you and have the pain of that event fade is a blessing. This guy's behavior is disgusting and despicable and I hope your dad no longer calls him a 'friend'. Take care.

Just Be Real said...
January 1, 2010 at 6:18 PM
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Secretia said...
January 1, 2010 at 7:55 PM

Maybe you could take a break from analyzing it so much, get deeply involved in something interesting, it may keep you from thinking about it as much. Try to loosen your grip.

Secretis

sarah said...
January 2, 2010 at 7:04 AM

I agree with JBR and Madison....people react how they react and whatever one experiences is bad to them. My friend was 'touched' by a boarder her parents took in...only once but still she is troubled by it. He too was older. Be gentle with you...you're so worth it. And Happy New Year. Sarah

Harriet said...
January 2, 2010 at 8:08 PM

You can't compare life experiences, because everyone is so different. And pain is pain, yours is not diminished because it wasn't ongoing abuse. I know the feeling of thinking you are making a big deal out of nothing because there is always someone who has a worse story. But it's not nothing, and you shouldn't think it is.

Colleen said...
January 3, 2010 at 5:56 PM

Child sexual abuse is defined as someone using a child for their own sexual pleasure. Showing them pornography can be considered sexual abuse. Watching them undress can be considered sexual abuse.
It can happen once or a hundred times. It is still abuse. And it still causes problems for the child. The child was used in a degrading way. That does not get forgotten.
Most of us survivors tend to minimize the pain and the abuse. I think that is what you are doing. Like the others said, do not compare. You were hurt. You did nothing to cause it. You could not have prevented it. It is not your fault.
Be good to yourself and do what you need to in order to heal. You are worth it!

Susan said...
January 3, 2010 at 9:48 PM

Once, twice, or one hundred times, you were traumatized regardless. It made you feel alone, helpless, and confused. You and your trust were violated. It happened to me over 40 years ago. It has been almost 6 years since I disclosed to someone and not a day has gone by that I think I should be over it by now. Like you I minimize it. As far as I can remember I was not raped, just touched. I am just trying to work through the pain and anger I still feel. We each have our own journey and we have to remember it is our truth and it may seem "not that bad" in comparison to others, but the fact is we were affected. You and I and others that read your blog are still feeling the affects. I for one thank you for your courage to admit your feelings and place them out there for all to see. Bless you and try not to be so hard on yourself. Take care.

imaginenamaste said...
January 4, 2010 at 1:11 AM

As others have said, you cannot compare your experiences to other people experiences. Everyone deals with things differently and things effect everyone differently. And, one event may really impact many more things. Now, I'm just rambling :)

But, wanted to tell you that you are amazing how you are and you should not diminish your past (or your progress) because it is not "as bad" as what others' may be perceived to be!

Virtual hug :)

Really big virtual hug to you!

imaginenamaste said...
January 4, 2010 at 1:11 AM

As others have said, you cannot compare your experiences to other people experiences. Everyone deals with things differently and things effect everyone differently. And, one event may really impact many more things. Now, I'm just rambling :)

But, wanted to tell you that you are amazing how you are and you should not diminish your past (or your progress) because it is not "as bad" as what others' may be perceived to be!

Virtual hug :)

Really big virtual hug to you!

imaginenamaste said...
January 4, 2010 at 1:11 AM

As others have said, you cannot compare your experiences to other people experiences. Everyone deals with things differently and things effect everyone differently. And, one event may really impact many more things. Now, I'm just rambling :)

But, wanted to tell you that you are amazing how you are and you should not diminish your past (or your progress) because it is not "as bad" as what others' may be perceived to be!

Virtual hug :)

Really big virtual hug to you!

imaginenamaste said...
January 4, 2010 at 1:11 AM

As others have said, you cannot compare your experiences to other people experiences. Everyone deals with things differently and things effect everyone differently. And, one event may really impact many more things. Now, I'm just rambling :)

But, wanted to tell you that you are amazing how you are and you should not diminish your past (or your progress) because it is not "as bad" as what others' may be perceived to be!

Virtual hug :)

Really big virtual hug to you!

Supportive said...
January 6, 2010 at 1:35 PM

You have every right to be angry about your abuse. Perhaps the person who posted about their experience on your blog isn't able to deal the trauma and therefore minimizes it. Whatever the case, don't compare your experience to hers. They are completely different, you are a unique creation and will respond in a unique way.

And as another writer posted, it doesn't matter if it happened once or multiple times, it was still abuse and a violation.

I hope that you are able to somehow find peace in your heart and in your life. Not that you ever need to forget what happened to you, but I pray that you do not allow that horrible man to have any control over your life.

The fact that you are writing about this experience and sharing it with others proves that you are already stronger than you give yourself credit for. I applaud you for speaking out!

HeartfeltHeartLook said...
January 6, 2010 at 7:50 PM
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.