Please Stop

Last night we broached a topic that A knows about, but something I have yet to allow discussion on. I'm not really sure how it suddenly became the only thing we were talking about, but it was. I had to ask her to stop. I had to beg her. "PLEASE STOP." It makes me feel crazy. Not mentally, but physiologically. Immediate panic attacks. She didn't let me avoid it this time. She pushed me. I got angry; passive-aggressive, curt. But I didn't completely shut her down. I did the best I could to talk through the fear. It did not go well, but it was more than what I've done in the past.

I left with this prompt for next week: "Is cutting my way of meeting my needs rather than depending on God, others or healthy coping skills?"

I don't know why the topic of my cutting is so scary for me to talk about, but it is. I sat down when I got home and processed through what A said during the session. I read and re-read her question to me. It didn't take me long to pour it all out.

Cutting is my way to feel in control. When things get too overwhelming and painful, I can take hold of a razor blade and feel at peace for a short while. All of a sudden I'm the one making the decisions. How deep? Where? How much? How long? In that moment my needs can only be met by cutting. It is the only thing I want. It is the only thing I can rely on. It is always there when I need it. It doesn't need a reason. I will bleed whether or not my driving force was due to pain or anxiety or hatred. My body is always reliable. The buzz of fear, like stealing. That feeling you are doing something you shouldn't. The pain itself. It suddenly has a real existence. I can see the feeling. The adrenaline that suddenly makes way for the calm after the storm. It never disappoints. My body never lets me down. Everyone else does. Maybe for a short while they are exactly what I need them to be; a friend, someone I can trust. But people are not perfect. I don't expect them to be. God, however is. Or at least, that's what people say. I see His perfection in the lives of others and I see it at times in my own life. But it is rarely there for me when I need it the most. When I am in the pain that has me crying out to Him to heal; praying and begging for Him to take notice and all I feel is alone? That only amplifies the pain. This pain has no name, no location and no appearance until I take control. Then I'm heard. My body hears my cries. Then I'm healed. My body heals my scars. My body never lets me down.

10 comments:

Finally Free said...
February 10, 2010 at 7:02 PM

Hi Lily,
This was really good how you explained what you are feeling. It is very interesting as I was reading what you wrote, it seemed very similar to when I want to overeat and abuse food. The control and that is it there all the time,I totally connect with.
I could replace food with the "cutting" and it promises the same result.
Thanks for your encouraging comment on my blog today.

Blessings and Hugs,
Tammy

Just Be Real said...
February 10, 2010 at 7:07 PM

Lily I hear you with the control issue. Even though I do not cut, my la-la land fantasies were all about control. I had control over what I would dream about, the players, how long it would go, how intense the fantasy. I needed to have my fantasies to escape my pain. I do not know if you read my latest post on MY LA-LA LAND or not.

Dear one what you shared here with us is so very powerful and real real real! I hear and feel your pain with you.

Your t. knows you enough to push you. I too would have probably paniced as well and not wanted to proceed.

You are very brave and I am so very proud of you!!! ((((Lily))))

Bernie said...
February 10, 2010 at 7:54 PM

Your pain is so intense, I do hope you will allow God to work through your therapist....trust that he will.

So many times I cried out for a sign, anything to know I wasn't alone....it is a dark place. I am wishing you strength to deal with all that you are going through.

Many blessings and a big hug...Hugs

sarah said...
February 10, 2010 at 8:09 PM

you described the dance of cutting so well....praying for you....in your corner....alwasy. Sarah

Stephanie said...
February 11, 2010 at 11:26 PM

Lily-
I am speechless. Your willingness to share this experience, the ugly and raw is invaluable. As a therapist, I come across this issue and your insight about this is something I will share with my clients.
Thank you...for being so courageous.
xo

Harriet said...
February 12, 2010 at 8:35 PM

Cutting is scary for me because it is so socially unacceptable, so misunderstood. No one would bat an eyelash if I had a few drinks or took a couple of xanax when I'm upset. But cutting myself on purpose with a razor blade? That coping mechanism just seems too "out there".

imaginenamaste said...
February 13, 2010 at 10:39 PM

I have a really hard time talking about my past cutting. I can't even tell you why. I think that, for me, it is so incredibly secretive. And, something that I was (am) ashamed for anyone to find out.
You beautifully addressed cutting in your paragraph. I hope people read it and find some "I'm not alone" experience in it.

PS If you ever want some stats, shoot me an email! Just spent 12 hours on homework! :-)

Grace said...
February 14, 2010 at 8:24 PM

Lily, thank you for sharing this. I know the feeling of having to cut to feel the pain...it is a way of continuing the abuse of my past, and yet also a way for me to say, "this is my body and I have control of it and can do what I want with it" which was something I could never say as a child.
I understand the cutting thing...all too well

Patricia Singleton said...
February 28, 2010 at 1:20 AM

Lily, thank you for sharing this post. I can only imagine how difficult it was to be so honest with how you feel about cutting. I have never cut myself.

Being an incest survivor, I can understand the need to feel in control of your body. I never had that control as a child. As an adult, I promised myself that no one would exert that control over me again once I left home. Feeling out of control is still very frightening even today.