Unexpected News

The depression I was going through seems to be subsiding, for the time being. It has been a bumpy few weeks but I think I am on the better end of it now. I'm hoping the drab and dreary weather we have been having this winter is the problem. I am very anti-medication and hate the thought of having to go back on something to control my moods. As long as I can keep my thoughts focused on the positive, I can do a pretty good job of tweaking my moods too. It just takes practice.

Monday I got some news I wasn't expecting. I had a scheduled ultrasound with my OBGYN from some undiagnosed "women issues" and the tech found out that I have a rather large gallstone almost blocking the bile duct. I am probably going to need surgery to remove my gallbladder soon. I am going to my regular doctor/GP tomorrow to see what her opinion is. I'm hoping she'll say that surgery isn't necessary, but I'm realistic. I guess what I'm really hoping is that I won't have to do this during Spring Break and they say I can wait until I am off in the summer. I'm still in shock, pretty much. I've never had surgery before, never been in the hospital. I've never even had an IV before, so the prospect of having to be cut open scares the absolute #(&%(@$ out of me. Everyone keeps telling me, "Oh I had mine out, it's not a big deal. You'll be better in about 2 days!" but that is just making me mad. It is a big deal to me. I've never done it.

The shock factor has kept me pretty numb to feeling much of anything else. My session yesterday with A was pretty good, considering we are still talking about a topic I HATE to discuss. She's worried I'm teetering on a dangerous edge of addiction with this. Basically the way I view my cutting is the way an alcoholic views his drink, or a drug addict views his drugs. In the moment of pure need, it is the only thing I want to cure my ails. That is true... when I get low enough and overwhelmed enough to want to cut; then yes, that is all I want. But am I addicted to it in the specific sense of the word? No. I don't have to cut every day to be OK. I don't have to cut every time I'm upset to feel better. It's just a coping mechanism for really hard emotions. The reason I am allowing us to continue on this road (even though I want to quit talking about it so much!) is because I really think there are some big emotions and possible breakthroughs that are underneath the surface with this topic. I just need to be pushed to figure out what they are.

I love that I can be so at ease with A, even though I'm doing something I don't want to be doing. I'm so blessed to have her on my side.

As we were wrapping up the session, she was explaining what she wanted me to work on for the week and said something that made us both laugh.

Go ahead and try to go through those first three principles and re-write them with cutting as the theme.

Do you want me to go through the steps too or just the principles?

At this point I think you could do either. They are both pretty similar, but it's not going to be as cut (insert hesitation here) and dry as you think. *chuckle* Probably could have chosen a better word there.

*Laugh* Yeah. Straightforward might have been a better choice. *Laugh*

LOL. I'm glad humor can be a part of therapy.


Mary said...
February 24, 2010 at 9:45 PM

Yes, we need a bit of humor every now and again in the midst of the hard stuff.

I am thankful you are feeling a bit better.


Bernie said...
February 25, 2010 at 12:41 AM

I too am pleased to hear you are feeling a bit better, but sorry to hear about your gall bladder. I still have mine so I have no idea what the surgery is like. I'm sure your doctor will tell you.
Take care my young friend, many blessings......:-) Hugs

Just Be Real said...
February 25, 2010 at 4:24 AM

Ahhh dear Lily, it is good that you can find humor among your pain. You are truly blessed by A. She does sound like a very compassionate individual that is only looking out for your well being.

My dear one, I pray that too the results of the next doctor visit will show that you do not need surgery.

Glad the depression is lifting for you and that maybe the constant weather issues are 'part' of the problem. I do did not chose meds to help along in my journey.

Thank you for continuing to be real and encouraging in the midst of it as well. You are an inspiration to many here.

Here listening always

Rhonda said...
February 25, 2010 at 2:43 PM

I believe the weather has a major affect on my depression as well. The dreary days I seem more down and non-existent. Last Saturday, the sun was shining and I found myself energetic and eager to move around.

I hope that everything goes well for you with your health. My husband just had his gallbladder removed in October. Unfortunately for him, it was emergency surgery and we had no time to prepare for him to be off work or save up financially so that we weren't straining to pay the bills. His doctor said that his gallbladder was gangreen (sp??) and he was lucky it didn't rupture and cause poisoning of his blood system. He had laproscopic surgery and you can't even tell he had anything done. They cut him in 4 spots and there isn't one scar. Don't wait too long if it is something you need to have done. Stay safe.

Sending you big hugs! :o)

Colleen said...
February 25, 2010 at 9:47 PM

Laughter is healing. Hope you don't need surgery. Glad depression is subsiding. Hugs.

Lily said...
February 25, 2010 at 10:21 PM

Thank you all for your kind words, they have been such a blessing for me today.

Grace said...
February 26, 2010 at 3:14 PM

Ms. Lily, I am glad to hear that you are feeling a bit better...physical "issues" seem to make depression worse for me (as you've probably already figured out).
LOL ~ I find that those "humorous" moments in T make my T seem more "human".
I'm wishing you more days of "healing".... and I thank you for your support.
~ Grace

Surprised By Joy! said...
February 26, 2010 at 8:21 PM

Hi Lily,
I am with you on the surgery thing.... I hate needles, IV's and anything to do with hospitals.
I had mouth surgery and people said the same thing to me. I guess we are all different. It was not fun. So, I won't sugar coat it. I guess I am just more sensitive to everything.
I hope you don't have to have it, but if you do I pray God will give you the strength.

Glad you are feeling better, I hate the feeling of depression. Mine is definitely linked to hormones.

By the way, I wanted to invite you to my new blog. I would love if you could drop by. :)


Marj aka Thriver said...
March 4, 2010 at 9:25 AM

Sorry to hear about your gall bladder. I'm hearing about that being a problem for folks more and more. I would agree--if you've never had surgery, it could be very scary.

As far as the depression goes, I agree with you about being wary of Rx meds. I'm wondering though. Have you ever tried omega 3 fish oil? That's all I'm taking now and it does seem to help...and it has many other benefits as well. I like the Nordic Naturals brand as it does not give me a "fishy" taste problem.

Thinking of you. You've got a lot going on. (((((((Lily)))))))