The Elephant On My Chest

Every heart beat feels like a challenge, like it takes all my worldly energy just to pump blood to sustain my life. Every breath feels hollow, as though I won't ever get enough oxygen to satiate myself. I have been walking around feeling this elephant on my chest for the past 3 days. The tattered seams that are holding me together are about to bust loose. I feel like I'm on the verge of melting down.

The ticking clock reminds me constantly that time is my worst enemy. My grandma is getting worse. Family is flying in this weekend. I have to be back at work full-time on the 16th. I have until then to "get better". Every day that passes with no improvement or even a decline incites even more anxiety that I am going to run out of time.

I would imagine some of this is attributed to the fact that I have slept about 75% less than what I'm used to during the last 3 weeks. My body doesn't even feel like my own. It hurts just to move. I shake with the slightest lift of my hand. My appetite is almost non-existent. I imagine some of this is grief as well. Knowing my grandma is going to die soon is weighing heavily on me. I'm taking on too much (false) responsibility in trying to take care of/protect my own mother during this time and I know I am causing myself harm. Some of it may also be medication induced. With so many changes, increases and reductions in dosing and scripts over the last 4 weeks, I wouldn't doubt that my body is on high alert for anything that appears intrusive or unusual... and it's fighting back.

And through all of this, I feel even more alone than normal. I don't feel God's presence. I don't feel the Spirit inside me. I feel as though I could beg and plead for Him to scoop me up in His arms and He will remain hidden, leaving me to suffer in the darkness.


Grace said...
August 4, 2010 at 9:55 PM

Lily, You're not alone. I'm here and you don't have to *get better* for me to stay here.
I have a thought - and I dont know if it will feel real to you or not, but it was something my t said when I told her I was getting worse. I know you've struggled with SI and when things get bad, that makes it better...for a minute. Do you think possibly you feel *worse* or *sicker* because you are not SIing or dissociating but staying in your body? (which, from what I gather from the thousands of $$$ i've spent on T, is a good thing).
Sending you safe hugs and a soft pillow to rest your head.

Paula said...
August 5, 2010 at 6:13 AM

Lily, I am here. I hear you. I agree with Grace, you do not have to get better. Today in trauma therapy we discussed body reactions and what is the firsts tep to get some relief? Stop fighting and forcing. Accept that you are exhausted. You wouldnt be human if you wouldnt be exhausted with all what is going on emotionally and physically. Staying in your body is a truly good thing. However if you dont listen to yourself, your body makes you listen. TRy to breath and be kind to yourself. It might not feel ok - it is ok to be tired, exahusetd and drained helpless and it is ok to pick up when bettered. Love to you

Harriet said...
August 5, 2010 at 7:13 AM


You are not alone. I'm sorry you are not feeling what you need spiritually, and I don't know how to help with that. But your blog friends are here every day.

And that must be so much pressure that you have to "get better" by the 16th. Yikes! How about rather than get better, you just stabilize the meds by then? Work could be good - it's a distraction for me. But you don't have to be better by then.

Anonymous said...
August 5, 2010 at 7:53 AM

Hi Lily,
Here listening. I pray that God would comfort you during this time of loss. I am so sorry to hear about your grandmother.


Angela said...
August 5, 2010 at 3:13 PM

I'm sorry that you are struggling, and I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. It is no wonder that you are having such a hard time. Try to be kind to yourself, and know that you aren't alone!
Sending hugs<3

Just Be Real said...
August 5, 2010 at 5:32 PM

Precious Lily, I am so very sorry what you are going through and with your grandmother. She sounds like one great lady. Praying that you will be comforted during this time dear one. (((((LILY)))))

sarah said...
August 6, 2010 at 4:30 PM

Hey Lily...there were times I thought God really didn't care. I didn't feel Him and I thought He took off like so many others had. He didnt' though. He was holding onto me....always there and you know what? I know He's doing the same for you. He won't let you go...not ever. And even if you don't feel Him or think He's there....He really is. Praying for you...Hang tight ok. He's walking you through. Sarah