Is She Crazy?

Not yet, but I'm damn well close.

I haven't slept in two days. I called my pdoc this morning (6AM) and left a message for her to call me back. I don't remember exactly what I said, but I hope I sounded urgent. The plan was to tell her the trial with the you're crazy so you need antipsychotic medicine mood stabilizer was a big time fail and that I was going to stop that and put my focus on the sleep issues. I planned to ask her for a prescription for immediate usage (Ambien, Lunesta, etc), and then later a transferral to a duplicate anti-depressive med that also can be used as a sleep aid. My focus right now is not long term. I don't care about what I'm taking to stave off something that might or might not happen in 6 weeks. If I don't get some sleep, I am going to go crazy.

So while I'm bumming around my apartment at all hours of the night, I was doing all sorts of random things. My cat was painfully aware that I was keeping her up well past her needed hours of beauty sleep, so she was very vocal about wanting to be fed for the inconvenience. While she was eating I noticed she had a small clump of hair sticking off her neck, so I went to grab her hairbrush and sat to start grooming her while she was eating. She's almost 20 years old so she can't bend and tuck as well as she used to and gets mats in her hair that I often have to dislodge and brush out. I figured this one on her neck was no different. I go to give a little tug to see if it has already been set free or if I need to settle in for work and it's pretty pliable so I tugged a little more (cat's still eating, not even paying attention to what I'm doing). Only then do I see this huge rush of blood come pouring out of a cyst she has on her neck. The thing gets drained every 6 months or so, keeps growing back but is always filled with this clear fluid so I was horrified when a little tug of her hair opened it up to a sea of red! I could see all the way into her neck. It was disgusting. So she's bleeding all over her collar, my hands and my kitchen floor, completely oblivious to my panic. She didn't even move from her meal. Of course it's like 1AM and I am freaking out! Do I take her to the emergency vet? Can I wait 6 hours for my vet to open? Ended up getting some gauze and that self sticky wrap and rigged a somewhat successful bandage of the wound to keep her away from it til I could get her to the vet. She's there right now getting fixed up. They are going to attempt to remove the growth, but they have to do it without anesthesia since she is so old. He said even if I told him not to remove it he was still going to have to stitch up her neck. Geez. He looked a little concerned when he saw her wound, but didn't say anything to me to make me think that I should be worried. I'm too sensitive. It's probably nothing. Well, not nothing. I'm guessing at least a $300 bill.

It's now 12 and still no call back from the pdoc. I am not having another sleepless night. So after talking with my aunt a little (she's a doctor and is always someone I can get advice from), she suggested just going to my family doc and getting the prescription sleep aid there. I got the last open spot at 1:30. Thank you, Jesus.

I am so deliriously tired I go from barely being able to focus, to swearing that thing just moved, to feeling as alert as if I had just woken up from 8 hrs of sleep. It's very disorienting. But even when I get so tired I don't know if I can stand up, I know if I went to lay down in bed I wouldn't sleep. I can't explain it. There is a switch in my brain that somebody kicked on to "AWAKE" and damned if my brain didn't do everything it was told to.


Stephanie said...
August 2, 2010 at 2:28 PM

I am sending you my love...

Just Be Real said...
August 2, 2010 at 3:56 PM

Lily, my heart is breaking reading this post. I am so very sorry for what you are experiencing with not only sleeping but with your cat. Dear one I pray that you can get those meds and get some sleep. In the meantime, may your cat be better once that growth is removed and you can breathe a sigh of relief. You are not crazy. She sleep deprived!


Flannery said...
August 2, 2010 at 5:34 PM

Sleep deprivation suuucks. I hope the new meds work out!

Just Be Real said...
August 3, 2010 at 4:31 AM

Dear one praying that you were able to sleep.... ((((Lily))))

Paula said...
August 3, 2010 at 10:28 AM

I hope you are able to sleep. NO sleep turny me into a complete bitch par excellence. Hope you cate makes it too. She is very old and I keep my fingers crossed for both of you. Love and hugs to you.

sarah said...
August 3, 2010 at 8:14 PM

yikes. Praying you get some good zzzz's. Lacking in sleep is crazy. And praying the cat is ok too. Take gentle care ok and sleep....

Grace said...
August 3, 2010 at 11:10 PM

Hi Sweetie, I hope you get some sleep soon! I'm so sorry bout your kitty. Animals give us so much love and we never fear they will hurt us. At least that has been the case for me.
I'm thinking of you.

Dr. Deb said...
August 4, 2010 at 5:36 AM

insomnia is awful. And poor kitty!