Tick Tock, Kill the Clock!

This very well might be the war cry of my household. TICK TOCK, KILL THE CLOCK!

Time for me is almost always anxiety producing, as it is one of the only things, no matter how hard I try, that I cannot control. So whenever there is something in my life that has a specific element of time attached to it, my mind commits it to memory and it is then used to constantly harass myself and take on unwanted burdens.

The biggest example of this in my life is my absolute hatred of age/birthdays. I can't stand them. To me it is just another reminder of being a year older and having gotten nothing accomplished. Sure I have a great job, home, car, etc. but the only thing anyone ever seems to care about is if I'm dating anyone. Truth be told, I care about that too, but just not as much as everyone else seems to. So adding another year to my age only reminds me of the fact that I haven't yet accomplished the burning question in everyone's mind. This hinting and prodding from my family my entire life has ingrained this idea that if things aren't done by a certain time then I'm just not good enough.

So in almost every aspect of my life, I tend to put these crazy deadlines on myself because I want to feel accomplished by completing them. Yet most of the time feel like a failure because I can't. I made a list of things about 6 months ago that I wanted to be able to say/do/feel by my next birthday (coming up in about 3 months, ugh) and I don't even feel close to getting half of them done. I'll be lucky to accomplish one. Makes me dread my birthday even more.

So with only about a week left of my break, I've been telling myself that I have to have everything figured out and "be better" by then. Whatever that means. I'm starting at a new location, with all new people and new responsibilities this year, which puts me in the dark about many things. Before I was able to go into work knowing who I could trust and rely on, who I worked well with, who to stay away from, what my schedule was, etc. Now I know nothing. And having that out of control feeling at work is not something I am used to. Work is my safe place. Knowing now that work is not going to be as safe as it has in the past, I'm using time to try and push my personal life into control by giving myself this deadline to "get better." Hah. It's been almost 2 years with A and while I have made such improvements, I'm not fully healed yet. What makes me think that I can expect that of myself by the end of next Sunday?

I know I can't meet these crazy deadlines I put upon myself, but it doesn't stop me from making them. And with everyone one I fail to meet, it makes me hate time even more.


Colleen said...
August 7, 2010 at 9:57 PM

Love the title of this blog post and the graphic. I can relate. We need to learn to live in the moment. Hugs.

Just Be Real said...
August 8, 2010 at 12:02 PM

Lily this certainly can be difficult for me as well. So, I can understand. Sending you (((Lily)))

Robert said...
August 8, 2010 at 3:02 PM

Hi Lily- you describe the anxiety so well as far as feeling out of control.I used to have major anxiety when being a passenger in a car as opposed to driving because i felt i didnt have enough control. I have been single my whole life, 49 years since july,and have only found a few relationships so i feel you in that. I hope you find a way to let yourself off the hook about your deadlines :)

Angela said...
August 8, 2010 at 4:36 PM

Maybe making a long list of things that you want to accompish is too overwhelming. You are setting yourself up to fail. Try making one of your goals to nurture yourself and be kinder to yourself. You are worth it!

Anonymous said...
August 9, 2010 at 7:23 AM

Hi Lily,
My Birthday is coming up, too. I am trying to enjoy them now and let myself off the hook with the deadlines. Here listening.


Harriet said...
August 9, 2010 at 7:24 AM

A few years ago, when I was about 45, I would wake up in the night with panic attacks thinking "Where is time going? I'm getting old." And I had what could be considered the "ideal" life - a husband, kids, nice home, friends, dog, etc. There was no pressure on me to accomplish anything more at that point, I was doing what I had set out to do. But the panic over time passing by so quickly was overwhelming.

Time can be cruel.

Grace said...
August 11, 2010 at 9:04 AM

No, you can't control time. As much as we try to do so. You ARE successful! You know what's interesting, is when I look @ *you* and I see all you have accomplished on your own, I think you're amazing. Because you are an independent successful woman. I've never really lived on my own. And I wish I would have. I got married young, right out of college. I sometimes think, "Gosh, will I ever get any time to myself?" and then I wonder if I could even make it on my own.
This process is long - 2 years with A - may seem like a long time, but it isn't, really, from what I can tell anyway on this "journey". And you have made so many positive strides.
I hope you are getting some rest on your final week of break.
Thinking of you.... Grace

sarah said...
August 12, 2010 at 2:41 PM

me too I love the title and graphic....and can relate. I put way too much stuff on myself and then become frustrated with me. Living in the moment....just the thought of that sounds so good. Hang tight...and always in your corner...

Just Be Real said...
August 14, 2010 at 6:04 AM

Lily, stopping by to give you another ((((Lily))))