Lately I've noticed something. I am at peace.

Maybe not if you see me on the outside, as I have been running non-stop for the last two weeks... but internally. I feel as though the wounds that have been painfully opened the past (almost) two years are finally healing over. They no longer haunt me like they did before. They no longer completely control my life. There are still things that I need to work on, but doing that doesn't scare me anymore. I don't feel as though if I take on one more change that I'm going to crumble under the weight of it all.

This peace that has settled over me over the past month has resulted in me feeling more comfortable forging new friendships and being myself. My actual self. Not a facade of who I want people to see. It's resulted in me working harder to be a good friend to those that I have gotten to know at church, but have been keeping at an arms length. It's resulted in me having a healthier expectation of my family and not letting the fact that I can't change them upset me.

This peace has brought me a lot of internal dialogue as well. My inner voice has been dusted off, polished and is much louder. I still struggle with making sure that voice stays positive and doesn't return to shaming me, but that is one of the things I am working on with A right now. With this internal dialogue, I don't feel as compelled to come here and write.

Before I used this as a platform to put words to emotions that I couldn't get a grasp on and work through myself. It was my outlet. I depended on this like I depended on seeing A every week. I needed it to get through. It was crucial to me being where I am now. But I feel as though my relationship with my blog has moved to a different level. I no longer need to post to understand my own feelings.

In my world, that is a huge step of growth. I will still be posting (sorry if that scared anyone!), but I would expect that it will not be nearly as often as what some of you might be used to. My crazy schedule is part of that reason, but my hope and desire for increased growth and peace for me can only be achieved if I push myself to communicate with myself and others without a keyboard at my fingertips.


Paula said...
August 29, 2010 at 2:53 AM

Katie, can you see me dance? The dance of life? So truly happy for you. I know the feeling when a bleeding wound heels und on the end nothing is left as ascar which sometimes gets itchy. So well done, it is such a hard work. Pride, yeah!

Flannery said...
August 29, 2010 at 4:06 AM

Good for you!! That's fantastic. It's so wonderful to see that all the hard work you've done is helping you heal!

Congratulations. You are amazing!

Just Be Real said...
August 29, 2010 at 4:06 AM

Do not worry about posting as much. Dear one, I am very happy for your growth and healing. Thank you for being honest in sharing. I see so much improvement in you. Very encouraging! Lily, I will always look forward to whatever you have to share. You have a lot to offer! Blessings to you dear one.

Being Me said...
August 29, 2010 at 10:26 AM

It's encouraging to hear growth and positive change always...but peace is the most important to have.
Always take your time, it is your moments.

God Bless

Angela said...
August 29, 2010 at 1:25 PM

What a wonderful post, and I'm so happy for you! Sending {{{HUGS}}}

Anonymous said...
August 29, 2010 at 3:43 PM

I am so happy for you Lily!

I can sense the peace as and healing as I read this post. This is a new season.

Woo! Hoo! Doing the happy dance for you.


Harriet said...
August 29, 2010 at 4:07 PM

So glad you are feeling some peace! And don't worry about your frequency of posting, whenever you post we'll be here to read.

Grace said...
August 29, 2010 at 8:33 PM

I am ssooo happy to read this!! You deserve peace so much - and this is telling of all of the hard work YOU have done in therapy. You're simply FABULOUS!

Colleen said...
August 29, 2010 at 9:48 PM

I am so happy that you are feeling some peace. Hugs.

middle child said...
August 30, 2010 at 1:19 AM

I am so happy for you! Peace. Breathe. Joy. Calm. Engaged. You are so living your life and I think that is why you find yourself not drawn to your blog as you may have been in the past. It is good. It is healthy. I hope to get to that point too. Someday.

sarah said...
September 2, 2010 at 7:35 PM

I love this post Lily...Wow...Hugs to you...keep moving forward. You inspire me.