200th Post

A few months ago when I was throwing around ideas of what my 200th post would be about, I would have told you it was going to focus on my 2 year anniversary with A (coming up in just about 2 weeks), the growth that I've made, how happy and hopeful I was, etc. I wanted to focus on the positives.

But the sequence of events that has been the last 6 weeks of my life has left me barely hanging on, dodging the potholes of depression, dealing with the death of my grandmother, the consequences of my actions at work, the upcoming anniversary of the last time my life felt like this and my birthday (which on any normal day is a huge trigger for me). I've been fighting social anxiety tooth and nail, having to force myself to go places and be around people. I have been having small panic attacks come out of nowhere and wrestle me to the ground for a few minutes, then leave me broken for the rest of the day. I have had a horrible time sleeping, and the times I do get to sleep I have been woken up by nightmares and panic attacks that make it hard to go back to sleep. The last week has been the worst. Ever since I called my pdoc and asked her to transfer care back to my gendoc. What a jinx that was. A and I have been discussing my absolute aversion to my birthday and how anxious it makes me to even think about. I left her office Tuesday feeling extremely agitated physically... very on edge. I had finally worked my way back to feeling a bit better, then Saturday happened. This stupid "seriously-how-much-of-a-dramatic-child-can-you-be" trigger sent me into an emotional tailspin and I resulted to purposely inflicting pain upon myself. No blades or razors, but I have a feeling telling A on Tuesday is going to result in me having to find a new plan for treatment. I figured this would happen sooner or later since I was "forced" to push it to the side and it never got dealt with. And now it's showing it's ugly head again and I don't even care. I WANT to do it. I want to have that power again.

At a time when I have had such little control and power over so many aspects of my life at one time, I can control this. And the pull for me to go buy some new razors (since I threw mine away in May to get rid of temptation) is intoxicating. *sigh* Happy 200th post, what great growth I have made...

10 comments:

Finally Free said...
October 18, 2010 at 12:45 PM

I am so sorry to hear that you are going through such a rough time. I am here listening and sending you hugs sweetie. You have grown...you are just going through a difficult time right now. You have not lost all the growth. You have been through alot in the last few months.

((((Lily))))

Blessings,
Tammy

Paula said...
October 18, 2010 at 2:18 PM

Lily, its atruly tough time for you. As Finally Free said, you havent lost the growth because of having a rogh time. It is there beneath the pain, the trouble, the job issue etc. it is there and it will surface. It is a "normal" happening when to many things occupy our soul and mind it is hard to rely upon freshly learned behaviour as it isnt so well established in us as the Old dysfunctional one. Everytime it happens to me I am worried, every time the browth is found inside me again. Please give yourself a break and credit for being human. For feelings and sadness, for being overwhelmed. be kind with yourself. I know it is easier tsaid then done. Being kind is easier when we feel good. The kindness is now needed more then ever. Love you

Finding Pam said...
October 18, 2010 at 2:44 PM

Lily, you have had a couple of rough months especially with the loss of your grandmother. It is no wonder that with all of this happening that you are not sleeping and having panic attacks.

When this use to happen to me it was because I got overly tired from not sleeping then everything just dominoed from there.

My therapist said that you never go completely back to the beginning when you have a set back.

Just wait please. In time I know you will be feeling better.

Big hugs to you my friend. Steady on.

Harriet said...
October 18, 2010 at 6:59 PM

{{{Hugs}}}. I'm sorry you are going through a rough time. Why were you forced not to deal with your issues?

sarah said...
October 18, 2010 at 7:46 PM

Hey Lily...want you to know...I hear your pain...hear listening...and in your corner.

Lily said...
October 18, 2010 at 7:48 PM

Thanks guys. I use the words forced loosely because I was given the boundary of continue cutting and have to seek another therapist or stop and continue working with A. Because of that I didn't feel comfortable talking about the issues with the cutting because it's just too triggering for me, so I made the decision to push it aside, knowing full well it would eventually come back to bite me!

I'm taking the day off and going to see A early tomorrow. I have been an absolute basket case thinking about the possible outcomes of tomorrow. I talked to another t in the area who has a more open schedule and experience dealing with sexual abuse and self mutilation... we'll see. :(

Harriet said...
October 18, 2010 at 8:42 PM

Oh I understand now. Yes, I remember you writing about your t's ultimatum. I didn't understand it, and it didn't seem therapeutic for you. I guess it wasn't.

Grace said...
October 18, 2010 at 11:01 PM

Lily, this is a terrible time for you. So much you have to get through...too much and it isn't fair! I'm so sorry...it isn't fair...
I'm thinking of you. I hope you find the care and support you need and deserve tomorrow in your appt w/A.
Here with you...today and always...
Grace

Grace said...
October 18, 2010 at 11:01 PM

Lily, this is a terrible time for you. So much you have to get through...too much and it isn't fair! I'm so sorry...it isn't fair...
I'm thinking of you. I hope you find the care and support you need and deserve tomorrow in your appt w/A.
Here with you...today and always...
Grace