Changes

Today = FAIL.

I sat in A's office and heard exactly what I expected to hear. I am being transferred to someone else for more intensive counseling until I can get the SI dealt with. I knew it was coming, so it softened the blow a little bit, but when I was sitting across from A, like I've done hundreds of times before all I could do was cry. Thinking about all she has done to help me when I couldn't help myself, teach me how to grow during those good times and to keep from falling as hard during the bad. Thinking about how walking out of her office meant I wouldn't be seeing her next week, or any other week in the near future. Thinking that I've lost the one person who really and truly cared about my safety and well-being, even if it meant making me angry. The one person that I knew I could tell anything to and not be judged.

And now I'm alone. Stuck in the position of trying to put a positive spin on a situation that has so many negatives pulling me in different directions. I want to view this as something good, something that has the potential to help me grow in an area that I have not allowed much if any change in, but all I can do is think of everything I'm losing by not being able to be treated by A anymore. Right now the bad feelings are far outweighing the good.

And to prove to myself that I didn't sacrifice everything I had for one night of cutting with my dull little cuticle scissors, I went out and bought some new razors and really made sure I did this right. Go hard or go home right?

God, I hate myself.

12 comments:

Just Be Real said...
October 20, 2010 at 3:59 AM

(((((((Lily)))))))
Lily I am so very sorry. I cannot even begin to understand your pain dear one. I just know you are hurting and for this I am truly sorry. Here listening as always.......

Harriet said...
October 20, 2010 at 6:34 AM

{{{Lily}}} This sucks. I am now believing that therapy in general sucks. We are at the mercy of our therapists, we have no control. They can treat us however they want, and we have to put up with it or face leaving them. Which is worse? You were honest with her, and what is your reward? She dumps you.

I'm sorry I am so negative right now, but I am in the mindset that therapy sucks and there is something wrong with this system.

Finding Pam said...
October 20, 2010 at 9:15 AM

I am sorry to hear this. I wish A could have prepared you with some tools to cope with this change.

Big Hugs.

Kathryn's Blog said...
October 21, 2010 at 5:46 AM

That's really a bad sign for a therapist. Not professional to not do a transition session for someone and help them adjust. Scares me a bit in trusting my own.

Being Me said...
October 21, 2010 at 6:14 AM

Sometimes change is good and there is a purpose for it , only we see it further down the road. I hope it is.

Praying for positive outcome and your healing.

edith said...
October 21, 2010 at 3:57 PM

I'm so sorry Lily. Here listening.

(((Lilly)))

sarah said...
October 21, 2010 at 8:47 PM

I'm sorry to hear this too. Here listening.....

Colleen said...
October 22, 2010 at 11:32 PM

I am sorry. Hugs.

Marj aka Thriver said...
October 23, 2010 at 12:28 PM

((((((((((((Lily)))))))))))

Paula said...
October 24, 2010 at 9:39 AM

Thinking of you

inamaze said...
October 26, 2010 at 1:18 AM

This is really tough. I am sorry this has happened to you.

livingfree7 said...
October 26, 2010 at 12:18 PM

Lily,
I want to encourage you to not despair. Id like to send you the contact information of a good friend of mine who started out as my counselor. God has given him an amazing anointment and he is very non-judgmental and can help you in helping yourself. He is an amazing man. I doubt you could see him in person, unless of course you live in the Colorado Springs area. He does phone sessions though. If you would like his information, email me at beautifulhistorysetfree@gmail.com.

I understand the struggle of losing someone you know cares about you genuinely! It hurts. What we have to realize is that there really are a lot of people out there who would love to help us and care about us if we could let ourselves be a little more vulnerable than we want to be.

The invitation is open, feel free to email. If you ever need anything you are welcome to seek advise our counsel from myself as well, and i DONT charge. I am currently a student getting my bachelors is psychology and masters in counseling. I do not judge and have actually talked with/counseled a couple of people who have gone through what your blog indicates you have.

God bless.

Dave