Life Is Just Another 4-Letter Word

Sometimes I wonder if I will ever enjoy life.

It seems as if my life is nothing but impossible task after task, never getting time to stop and smell the flowers. Or even be happy.

I had a panic attack in session with V today. Freaking fantastic.

I know finding her was God's will. She is an amazing person. I have felt so supported and respected in the last week (today being exactly 1 week since my first session with her) than I can ever remember feeling with anyone. I truly believe her when she says she cares about me and helping me get better.

I feel safe when I'm with her, even if it is resulting in panic attacks.

Only problem is I am only seeing her 2 hours a week. 2 hours out of 168. The other 166 hours of the week, I'm praying for time to pass. Praying that it gets here fast so I can feel safe.

I am seriously considering taking time off of work and entering IOP.

I cut last night and for the first time, it didn't make me feel better. And for an instant I wondered just how much I was going to have to "up my game" to keep getting the results I wanted.

Life isn't supposed to be like this.

6 comments:

Grace said...
November 6, 2010 at 10:43 PM

No, life isn't supposed to be this hard...I agree! I'm glad you have found V and that you trust her and feel safe with her.
I hope the panic attacks subside soon... ((Lily))

Paula said...
November 7, 2010 at 3:00 AM

I hope that the panic attacks subsides. I am sure you know that the core wound is afraid of being brought to bright day light. I know this feeling so well, when I entered trauma therapy I was all set to face what needs to be faced at the same time I dissociated like never before. Protection! I know it might sounds weird to you, yet I am glad oyu cut AND REALISED THEIR IS NOT THE SOUGHT COMFORT IN IT ANYMORE! Hope, that doesnt comes across the yelling. Lily, you dont have to enjoy smelling the roses,just do it. It does get better. Love from my heart to yours!

Finally Free said...
November 7, 2010 at 4:03 AM

(((Lily)))

Blessings,
Tammy

Just Be Real said...
November 7, 2010 at 4:59 AM

Dear Lily here listening and praying your pain will ease. I It is very encouraging to read that V is such a support. She sounds compassionate. (((((Lily)))))

Finding Pam said...
November 7, 2010 at 12:22 PM

Lily, I know you won't believe me, but no one has ever died from a panic attack. Though when I was having them I was sure I was having a heart attack. My doctor back then gave me some medicine to keep with me in case of a panic attack. I came awfully close to needing it but just knowing I had it with me helped reduce my anxiety. After years of panic, they left me and have not returned.

I pray for relief from your panic attacks. The other hours of the week live in faith that God will protect you. Build on that assurance one step at a time.

Life can be difficult, but it can also be good. When I am really struggling, I make a gratitude list. Then I feel how wonderfully God has blessed me.

I am so thankful you trust you therapist. Give her time to help you. Stay positive.

Peace to you.

Harriet said...
November 8, 2010 at 7:20 PM

It's not stupid. It's your feelings, and they are hurt. I would feel the same way, I try to distance myself from people, but then when I am not included in something I feel hurt. So, it's not logical, but it still feels very bad.