You Passed The Test

I was not having a good night last night. I was dwelling with the rocks, the deepest of the deep. I wasn't suicidal, I just felt this overwhelming cloud of hopelessness. I took a chance and e-mailed V. Testing her commitment.

Me: I'm not even sure where to start... Panic attacks have a way of throwing me into a funk that is hard to pull myself out of. When I have multiple attacks per day of a multiple day period, it starts messing with my mind.

I don't feel safe. I have done nothing but sleep and kept myself locked in the bathroom since I got home from your office. I'm starting to feel like I did a few years ago; not sure how I'm going to get through my responsibilities of life and take on the level of commitment I need to actually heal. Something I thought I was doing over the last 2 years, but it's obvious to me that I never let myself fully invest in it. Right now I feel like I'm living for 2 hours a week of safety. 2 hours out of 168 a week is a crappy percentage. I'm already worried about going out of town next weekend. I know I won't enjoy it. The only thing I can focus on is that Wednesday to Monday is a long time to go without feeling safe.

I cut last night and for the first time ever, it didn't help. It scared me to think that I might have to "up my game" to get the results I was getting before. It scares me to think my back-up plan might be falling apart. How am I supposed to cope now?!

V: First of all, thanks for letting me know this. This is all very hard. I am here for you. Please don't give up on yourself. Your unhealthy side is feeling a bit of loss of control because your healthy side is wanting to come out. There is a battle going on inside you. Please call me if you need ANYTHING, even if it's the middle of the night. You deserve a great life. You are worth it!! If for ANY reason you are feeling unsafe and might need more support, it is OK to call me for help. If not me, it's OK to call 911, too. Let me know if I can do anything. Think positive.

Me: Well, I'll go ahead and tell you I will never call 911 for this. I don't need people thinking I'm crazy. If things get bad enough, I'll call you, but I'm not going to disturb you in the middle of the night. You have your own life and family to attend to, you shouldn't have to be on-call for me.

I just don't feel good at all. Like down to my core, I feel completely beaten down and unfixable.

V: Got it about 911, but I'd still prefer you call me if you need me. That's my job. It isn't special treatment or pity, I care about you and want to help. You just have to let me. I am so sorry you are having a hard time. You are fixable and have so many great things about you.

Is Michael Buble playing?? (We had talked earlier that day about how much I am in love with him) Where is that cutie when you really need him?! If you don't start listening to him, I am going to call you and sing it myself!!!

Me: LOL, Well played. You made me smile, even chuckle a bit. Michael is not on right now, but my DVR is being dusted off. I'm only about a month behind on my shows. I probably won't be sleeping tonight, so I figured I'd make a dent.

I'm not used to letting anyone do anything for me. It's against everything that seems natural to me. It floors me that you would even offer to have me call you in the middle of the night. Still something that I can't ever imagine I would do, even knowing it's OK with you. What happens if I push you away too? Then I'll have no one to help me, at any time of the day.

V: Keep pushing, I am still not going anywhere. I am not here to hurt you, only to help! I am VERY stubborn, for real, like I have developed this quality into an art form. Enjoy your DVR time. I personally love The Real Housewives and the Kardashians! I am here if you need me. Seriously.

I can't tell you how much this sequence of communication made me feel better last night. Something so simple as responding to an e-mail calmed my nerves and my fears and made me more level-headed. I feel so unbelievably lucky to have found someone that can do that for me only after one week.


Grace said...
November 7, 2010 at 11:29 PM

((hugs)) im glad she was there to help calm you in your storm

Paula said...
November 8, 2010 at 4:15 AM

It was a night well invested, dont you think so? Keep holding on to it. I can relate, that doing the the things the waay I did, was "normal". because I didnt know different. Now normal is different. Lily, we are all "fixable" because our inner most core cant be destroyed. Love form my heart to yours

Anonymous said...
November 8, 2010 at 3:57 PM

Well, please don't take offfense, but she sounds a LOT better than your prior therapist even though I know you were quite attached to her. In fact, she sounds flat out amazing. Do you live in California? I need this therapist too! LOL Just kididng. I am glad you found someone who can make you feel better. I know when H (my therapist) emails me, I immediately feel safe and calm again too.

Harriet said...
November 8, 2010 at 7:21 PM

I'm so glad you feel safe in your t's office, even though it is only 2 hours a week. Maybe eventually that feeling of safety will stay with you during the remaining hours.

Harriet said...
November 8, 2010 at 7:26 PM

(I think I left a comment for your last post attached to this post, oops. This comment is really for this post.)

That is an amazing email exchange. I'm so glad she was able to be so helpful. She sounds so authentic and real, and caring. My t always answers my emails in strictly clinical ways and then says, "We can talk about it next week." He would never say anything like your t did in an email exchange.

She sounds like a great t, I'm so happy that you were able to find her. And she is right - you are fixable!