This is probably going to be extremely disjointed, so I apologize in advance.

I have had a week unlike many others. I had a panic attack in session with V on Saturday, which was completely hideous and vulnerable for me. When I saw her again Monday, she jumped right into some things that I wasn't prepared for. Things I have NEVER talked about, not even with A. Things I rarely even allow myself to think. I answered some of her questions, but she could tell it was too much for me and changed our path. I wasn't planning on seeing her again until Wednesday, but while I was at work Tuesday I had a panic attack come out of the blue in the middle of class. No warning. It lasted for a very long time so I called her and she talked to me for almost 20 minutes and asked me to come in that evening to see her again. I did, and she helped me process some of the things that might have attributed to that attack. She let me stay for an hour and didn't even charge me. I saw her last night and was feeling much better. Our session focused on "easier" things she needs to know, about my family history, family dynamics, etc. I was feeling great about going until Saturday without seeing her again. For the first time in a very long time I felt calm enough to actually sit down and watch some TV. I caught up on the Biggest Loser and started watching the new L&O:SVU for this week.

Bad idea.

That episode triggered more in me than I ever thought possible. I have NEVER had the feeling like I did last night. I completely dissociated. I remember sitting on my couch, hearing the words, understanding their meaning all too well, but not being able to see anything. Just darkness. My mind shielding me from the images that I so often see? Who knows.

I e-mailed V (who is freaking awesome with e-mails, she e-mails me to check up on how my days are going!) and explained to her what happened. She sent me the most wonderful series of responses, reiterating what I need to hear. She understands how hard this is for me and that she cares about me. I can't push her away with what we talk about. She's not there to hurt me, only help me.

I'm still afraid. Afraid that this situation is too good to be true, that I'm going to do something to mess it up, push her away, make her can't stand to look at me, etc. What would I do then?


Grace said...
November 11, 2010 at 7:32 PM

Of course you have fear about her abandoning were just abandoned by A. It sounds like V really does care about you Lily. I have my fingers crossed...thinking of you...Grace

Just Be Real said...
November 12, 2010 at 5:13 AM

Lily I hear you. I agree with Grace about the fear of abandonment. It is hard. Really hard. There was a point in my journey I just had to trust on that issues that I would not be 'rejected' or feel abandoned by the one person that I was sharing my most inner deep feelings with. On occasions I still may feel threaten by that fear, and that is what it is "fear" but I do go to God with it as well. Here listening dear one. (((((Lily)))))

sarah said...
November 12, 2010 at 5:40 AM

V sounds like an amazing counselor....she's right there in your corner and gets the issues...I'm really glad for you Lily that she is....

Harriet said...
November 12, 2010 at 6:03 PM

I'm so glad you have V and that she is so responsive. But as others have mentioned, I understand your fear of her leaving you, as your previous t did. Do you think that is part of the cause of your panic attacks?

So far she seems wonderful, and I am sending positive thoughts your way for a long and fruitful relationship with V.