In Limbo

Loved the game as a kid.

Hate it (metaphorically) in my life right now.

I feel so out of control, trying to adjust to so many changes in an area of my life where I want the most control I can have. I'm fine when I'm in V's office, talking with her is easy and she has some amazing insights that have helped me validate my own feelings more so than I ever had before. But when I leave, I feel disconnected. Like I have no home, no safe place, and it is causing me to be triggered at the drop of a hat it seems. I had two panic attacks Wednesday night (after coming home from an intense session with V) then had to ward one off Thursday night. Last night I went out with a friend from church and found out that she and the other girls I hang out with had all been invited to go out of town together next weekend to our college homecoming, but not me. I came home and had all sorts of things racing in my head. It shouldn't have even mattered, I already have tickets and plans to go with other friends, but it's the principle of the situation. They didn't even ask. I kept telling myself, maybe they didn't ask because I had already said I was going, but I can't remember if I did or not. I kept trying to tell myself I can't control what others do or think about me, that I am who I am and I shouldn't have to do anything special to be included. But it doesn't work. The same thing happened about a month ago (which was what triggered my relapse in cutting and the ultimate demise of treatment with A). They all went to the state fair one Saturday, posting on Facebook about the same time about how excited they were to go, and I was at home. No one even asked if I wanted to go, too.

It's stupid. I feel like I'm 12 years old. No one is inviting me to play. Poor me. But I'm finding that I have some serious abandonment issues and as much as I like keeping people at an arms length, I need to know I'm wanted.

And I'm just not getting that.

2 comments:

Finding Pam said...
November 6, 2010 at 5:59 PM

ily, everyone likes to be included in activities that your circle of friends do. I know that hurts, but I don't think it is you.

Either A) the girls just don't think about anyone other than themselves or B) They may have assumed you knew. Either way, I don't want this to set you back.

Just do your own thing. You don't have to be included in that group in order to be validated. Young women can be so inconsiderate.

SOmetimes we become too self-aware and it becomes too important. Just think of what this group of girls is missing out on by not including you. Just try to look at it from another perspective.

I was the same way as you and often got my feelings hurt. I learned to just invite myself.

Take care of yourself. You matter the most.

sarah said...
November 6, 2010 at 10:08 PM

I like what Pam said....it sounds pretty right. Sending a ton of hugs to you Lily....