Doubt

I know I haven't been updating much, and it's honestly because I'm not sure what to say. My thoughts are stalled and I feel stuck. I don't know where I am supposed to go from here.

Session on Tuesday was very "basic", not really delving into anything intense but focusing more on what my next step to intensity is going to be. I am on the edge of approaching the spiritual grief I have kept hidden for so long. It is so frightening to me to try to step into this that I am dragging my heels.

Next session will be my one-year ann.iver.sary with A. I cannot believe it has already been a year. I think back to that day and remember just how out of control my life was and how terrified I was of my future. Man, that seems like such a long time ago, but at the same time when I think of the fact that it has only been a year, it's hard to wrap my head around! Towards the end of the session, we went over my intake form and re-assessed the things that I had written, such as my reasons for being there, my goals, and what I thought my focus needed to be in different areas (physical, emotional, spiritual, etc.) After just having discussed how hard I've worked and how much (she and) I feel I have changed, reading over my goals caught me off guard. I don't feel like I've made any huge strides towards the goals I had a year ago, even though I have done the hardest work in my life trying to confront my abuse and work through it. I still feel like the biggest reason I am in counseling is to deal with the effects of the abuse.

Not only that, now I'm thinking I'm wrong for having these feelings. I've worked hard! I've changed! How can this still be something I view as an issue? Why haven't I been able to take everything I've learned and live my life, be in a relationship, and be happy? Why is it when she read me that goal of being in a relationship I felt that all too familiar surge of terror? Maybe I haven't worked as hard as I thought. Maybe I haven't changed as much as I thought.

Come so far, but got so far to go...

A song from my favorite movie is a pretty good definition of how I view my life right now.

I know we've come so far
But we've got so far to go
I know the road seems long
But it won't be long 'till it's time to go
So, most days we'll take it fast
And some nights lets take it slow
I know we've come so far
But baby, baby we've got so far to go!

I was writing a letter to C last night to put with a gift I got her for Christmas, reflecting on some things that I try not to let myself think about very often, namely my progress in recovery. It's almost one year to the day... and when I think back to that day, it makes me want to curl up and hide in that place in my brain where I hid so many things. Just the thought of how bad it was causes me pain. But then I think about how I view things now, and I feel like I have come so far in my perspective of my life and what I want out of it. That being said, being in counseling has slowly taken away the coping mechanisms I used as a kid to survive, which as an adult are not healthy... and that leaves me open and vulnerable to a lot of things. Progress is not fast when you feel vulnerable.

While I know I have made strides in the right direction, I am nowhere near where I hoped to be one year later. The good news is that I think I have learned more and made more progress in the past 2 months with my new counselor than I did with over the last year. I just can't let myself fall into the trap that I did over the summer. I fell back into denial and stopped going; stopped because it was too hard and denial was too easy. My life is never going to be the way I want it if I let myself fall back into denial. If I keep my eyes on God, I will be lead through the darkness to safety. There is nothing I want more than to be on the bright side of this dark place.