A Beginning

I finally was able to get in to see my OBGYN today. I was extremely nervous about the conversation that I was going to have to have with her about how out of control my anxiety as been, as well as it being coupled with depression and suicidal ideations. After having multiple panic attacks last week in her office, I was worried about what she was going to think of me, but it just goes to show that I always assume the worst from everyone. She was really easy to talk to today, probably because she already knew so much about my history. She gave me a start-up pack for Eff.exor (after first recommending Lex.apro) but stressed to me that with the complexity of my mood disorders and past that she was going to send me to a psychiatrist. She said once he prescribes/regulates my medication that she will still have me follow-up with her based on his diagnosis/recommendations. I hadn't heard much about Effexor, except from my friend who is a nurse... she said to stay away from Eff.exor at all costs. So after researching it a bit more on Web.MD I read some absolutely awful things about it. I called my aunt (who's a GP) and talked to her about it and she said that I could start Lex.apro again if I felt more comfortable with it. I was on Lexapro a year ago but stopped taking it when I had an emergence of suicidal ideations during the week I was menstruating. That continued to happen so I thought it was caused by the medication, so I stopped taking it. Now it happens all the time, so it definitely was not the medicine. She thinks I wasn't on a high enough dose, so she said to go ahead and start 20 mg Lex.apro instead of the Effe.xor. Thankfully I had a 90 day supply that I never really tapped into, so that'll last me until I go back to follow up in 2 weeks. I just really hope she is not upset that I am choosing not to take the Eff.exor in favor of my own opinion on it, not her recommendation. Again, this is me expecting the worse.

Part of me is at peace with this decision because I know it is a beginning for me. The other part of me is scared that it's not going to work, that I will always suffer the effects of the PT.SD, panic and depression that has taken over my life. There are no guarantees in life, but sometimes a little reassurance goes a long way.