Unbelievable

I saw a psychiatrist on Thursday to get some insight on medication to help me with my depression and anxiety. My OBGYN started me on Lex.apro 2 weeks ago, but urged that I needed someone more schooled in dealing with the complexity of my issues. She gave me a list of names and I picked one (the only woman on the list). I filled out this huge packet of information and met with her for about an hour. I hate not knowing who this person is that I am going to trust with very sensitive information. She was old, probably as old as my grandmother... which is fine for some, but I prefer my doctors to be in their 30's and 40's. She wasn't very personable and had a peculiar "bedside manner". We eventually got to the issue of my abuse and she started asking me about specific details which I have not shared with my therapist yet, and I've been going to her for 4 months. This was the exact conversation:

Psych: "How old were you when it started?"
Me: "13"
Psych: "How often did it happen?"
Me: "For me, once. My sister was abused about a year."
Psych: "Was there intercourse?"
Me: "No"

Psych: "Just fondling then?"

Ummm. I'm sorry. JUST that? Well geez, what am I doing there if it was JUST that? I mean surely one can get over it if it was JUST once, and JUST that right? I could not believe she said that to me. I took a few seconds to answer her because I couldn't believe this was happening. It would have been different if her question was asked as clarification, but the tone to her voice was nothing close to it. I couldn't get out of there fast enough. I went home and was just in shock. I spent most of the night crying. I did manage to journal about it so I can bring it up in session on Tuesday, but it has really affected me. It makes me doubt myself so much when I continue to think that surely it is not that big of a deal to have affected my life this much, but my heart knows that it is huge. And my brain remembers no one reacted as if it was huge. No one reacted at all.

My anxiety flared up again today. We're right on the cusp of when my "bad weeks" start, so it's possible that the Lexa.pro won't have much of an effect this cycle since I haven't been on it long enough. I'm going back to the OBGYN for my next Gar.dasil shot in about a month and will ask to be put on birth control to help regulate my hormones if the Lex.apro hasn't started helping by then. I hate living my life knowing that I am going to be in a dark hole for 2 weeks out of every month. It's very hard to enjoy the good weeks when the bad ones are lurking in front of you.

2 comments:

Aqua said...
February 12, 2009 at 12:40 PM
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The Real Gal said...
March 10, 2009 at 6:36 PM
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