Faith

My faith is something I have always struggled with. I was raised in an agnostic house, but attended Chris.tian private school from kindergarten through 2nd grade. I never really understood why the things I was being taught at school were not also being taught at home. I moved from private to public school in 3rd grade and stopped my spiritual growth. When my parents divorced, my mom started taking us to church... which I absolutely loved. I got to experience what I heard my friends talk about, got to meet new friends and got to be in the choir. I got so much there that I did not get at home. But it was short lived. I don't remember how long we went, but we never went back. I got involved in church again at the end of junior high because of my friends. They were all very involved in the same church and it just felt right to be part of it, too. Unfortunately, as things go, we got to high school and our paths separated, so I stopped going when our friendships changed. I never got/gave myself enough time to learn (about), connect (with) and understand why I should have a relationship with God. As you reach a certain age it becomes less about teaching and more about living what you have learned. I reached what I perceived to be that age and never felt comfortable going back to church.

Then one of the biggest life-changing events in my life happened: I moved away from home and attended a private Chr.ist.ian university. Strange step for someone who was unsure of their faith. There were many requirements that involved attendance (3x a week) of chapel each semester, classes in scripture and heritage of Chris.tianity and other similar things. Those were great because they taught me the specifics of the books of the Bible, the Nicene creed and other historical documents that have influenced the practice of Christia.nity... but nothing that helped me understand my inner struggle. While I felt so accepted there, I also felt out of place. Everyone was so sure of their beliefs and faith, which made me even more unsure of what I believed. I am such a "see it, prove it and believe it" type of person, that faith in the word of God is something I really struggle with. I do believe that Jesus died for our sins but I'm not sure where I stand on believing that there really is a higher power. Even typing this is making me extremely anxious because I am so afraid of being persecuted for my beliefs (or lack thereof).

My confusion is not as defined when I am really struggling. I find it easy to pray, read the Bible and believe that there really is someone listening and has a clear defined path for my life. But in times of normal emotion, I find it very hard to get to that place. Like I'm being someone I'm not... but yet I feel like I should be that person. Does that make sense? It is so frustrating to me!!!

The reason I bring this up is I have been toying with the idea of attending a local church/fellowship group tomorrow. But the idea of going and feeling that terror of not knowing what I believe and having to "fake it" in front of so many people... scares me. What if someone asks me a question I can't answer, or am afraid to answer?