It's been an up and down week, like every week is when I'm on my period. I was hoping the Lex.apro was going to help with the mood swings but so far it hasn't. It's been almost 3 weeks so I'm thinking that it just hasn't been long enough. I have noticed a decrease in my anxiety, which has been nice. I had a panic attack Tuesday night, but that was because of the weather. I was at home putting grades in my online gradebook watching the Westminster Dog Show when the tornado sirens went off. I knew it was raining and windy but I had no clue the weather was that bad. So I scrambled to find my flashlight, grabbed my cat and a bunch of pillows and we spent the next 15 minutes in the bathtub until the sirens went off. Normally this type of weather doesn't start until April!

My session on Tuesday was good. I wanted to talk to her about what happened with the psychiatrist but it was harder for me to do so than I thought it would be. I shared something I wrote about how I feel that my abuse always gets minimized (even by me) and that I feel the complete opposite but act like it's no big deal. We ended up taking most of the time talking about things that related to that as opposed to my homework and other things she may have had in mind. Somewhere towards the end she told me that as much as I don't want to do it, I need to tell her what happened. I've never even told my mom specifics, nor anyone else so the prospect of that sent me straight into tears... and I make it a point never to cry in sessions. She made sure that I understood that I was under no time frame and she was not pressuring me to do anything before I am ready, but that she feels that it is going to be a crucial step in undoing the damage that was done by not being allowed to talk about it.

I am so torn over how I feel about this, aside from petrified. I'm afraid that once I tell her what happened it'll be like, "OK it's out in the open. You don't have it inside of you anymore. Get over it." As stupid as it sounds, I'm afraid to start getting better. I'm afraid to not have this as an excuse for why I'm not in a relationship, or why I have problems with my family. Starting to work through this is the beginning of the end to that and that is scary for me.

Thankfully I have 2 sessions next week, one on Tuesday evening and one Thursday mid-afternoon, which means I'll be taking another half-day off of work. I feel so much better when I see her 2x a week, so I am glad I was able to schedule this. My next bi-weekly will be during my week off and that will probably be the last one until this summer. Ugh, June is so far away.


Harriet said...
February 12, 2009 at 8:58 PM

That's really insightful of you to think that you are holding onto your abuse so that you have an excuse for situations in your life that aren't going well.

I feel the same way about some of my issues. I didn't experience abuse luckily, but I feel like if I let go of some of my anxieties and fears I'll realize there is nothing left. What if I'm still not happpy?

Aqua said...
February 12, 2009 at 10:38 PM
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The Real Gal said...
March 10, 2009 at 6:18 PM
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