Blessings

This might be the most amazing song I've ever heard. I hope it speaks to you the way it does to me.

The Backwards Truth

Amazing video shown at church last week. Just when you think it is the wrong video, things turn around. Literally.

I hope it speaks to you the way it spoke to me.

Then The Phone Rang

Things were quickly spiraling out of control for me last week. It was one of the worst weeks I've had in quite a while. I think I cried every day and when I finally collapsed into bed for the night, I cried then too.

I was exhausted.

Through my tears and pain Thursday night, I found the strength to pray. It almost felt like begging.

Please.

Help me to understand this pain. Help me to understand your path for me, why these things happened and what I am supposed to learn.

Please.

I woke up Friday and put my happy face on, as I was heading to have lunch with my mom and sister. I made myself eat a little for the sake of not raising questions, but just as it has been the entire week, I just did not have any appetite. I left with such a stomach ache (the stress has been aggravating my gall bladder issues, plus the fact that the one thing I had eaten since Tuesday morning was french fries, a big no-no) that I had to go home. I had other plans that afternoon, but I could barely sit up straight.

So I went home. I dissociated myself so much that I don't even remember thinking for at least an hour. Then the phone rang.

God?

Nope, my new boss.

I got the job.

I'm sorry what? Me? The one who was convinced she blew her only chance by showing up 45 minutes late to the interview? The one who was convinced that they wouldn't be able to see past the fact that I am not perfect, but that I am an amazing teacher?

I couldn't believe it.

I got off the phone and had to check myself to make sure I wasn't dreaming. I sat there in awe/confusion/excitement.

It took me a while to realize that my stomach ache had gone away; that I wasn't in any pain any more. Suddenly I was hungry.

My prayers that night were much different.

Questions

Why was I strong enough to read out loud what I wrote to my sister, but the idea of reading what I wrote about my abuse is something I can't even fathom?

Why can I think logically about correctly placing blame where it lies, but yet my heart tells me otherwise?

Why is it so hard for me to let go of the guilt and allow myself to really feel what is beneath it?

Why does the prospect of just touching a toe into the metaphorical pool of my pain make me feel as though I am going to fall in and drown?

Why can I not feel the anger I think I should for the man who abused me?

Why is it I can envision forgiving myself for the hurts I have caused others, but not for the hurts I have caused myself?

Why was this the life I was supposed to lead?

Why was I chosen to bear this pain?

James 1:2-3
Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.

Faith

My faith is something I have always struggled with. I was raised in an agnostic house, but attended Chris.tian private school from kindergarten through 2nd grade. I never really understood why the things I was being taught at school were not also being taught at home. I moved from private to public school in 3rd grade and stopped my spiritual growth. When my parents divorced, my mom started taking us to church... which I absolutely loved. I got to experience what I heard my friends talk about, got to meet new friends and got to be in the choir. I got so much there that I did not get at home. But it was short lived. I don't remember how long we went, but we never went back. I got involved in church again at the end of junior high because of my friends. They were all very involved in the same church and it just felt right to be part of it, too. Unfortunately, as things go, we got to high school and our paths separated, so I stopped going when our friendships changed. I never got/gave myself enough time to learn (about), connect (with) and understand why I should have a relationship with God. As you reach a certain age it becomes less about teaching and more about living what you have learned. I reached what I perceived to be that age and never felt comfortable going back to church.

Then one of the biggest life-changing events in my life happened: I moved away from home and attended a private Chr.ist.ian university. Strange step for someone who was unsure of their faith. There were many requirements that involved attendance (3x a week) of chapel each semester, classes in scripture and heritage of Chris.tianity and other similar things. Those were great because they taught me the specifics of the books of the Bible, the Nicene creed and other historical documents that have influenced the practice of Christia.nity... but nothing that helped me understand my inner struggle. While I felt so accepted there, I also felt out of place. Everyone was so sure of their beliefs and faith, which made me even more unsure of what I believed. I am such a "see it, prove it and believe it" type of person, that faith in the word of God is something I really struggle with. I do believe that Jesus died for our sins but I'm not sure where I stand on believing that there really is a higher power. Even typing this is making me extremely anxious because I am so afraid of being persecuted for my beliefs (or lack thereof).

My confusion is not as defined when I am really struggling. I find it easy to pray, read the Bible and believe that there really is someone listening and has a clear defined path for my life. But in times of normal emotion, I find it very hard to get to that place. Like I'm being someone I'm not... but yet I feel like I should be that person. Does that make sense? It is so frustrating to me!!!

The reason I bring this up is I have been toying with the idea of attending a local church/fellowship group tomorrow. But the idea of going and feeling that terror of not knowing what I believe and having to "fake it" in front of so many people... scares me. What if someone asks me a question I can't answer, or am afraid to answer?

A test of faith

If anyone actually reads this, I hope that all my posts aren't cynical and depressing. This is my way to share my feelings without actually telling them. I'm sure you know how therapeutic that may be.

One more change to the bridal shower plans, but I feel much better about these. Going to go with P to finish registering for her goodies on Sunday. She told me today that the plan is for her and DB to move to Spain in 2009. She wasn't expecting something that soon, but apparently that's the plan as of now. I'm trying not to get too worked up about it because his plans have changed so much over the past year and over the course of the next 18-24 months they can change many more times, but the thought of my best friend, practically my sister, the closest friend I have ever had in the world, moving 5000 miles away about put me in tears on the phone. Once they leave, they won't be coming back. He hates it here... her life is here. The thought of not having her here, 20 minutes away or even 2 hours away is not something my brain can comprehend. We were supposed to be pregnant together, and our kids were supposed to be best friends, too.

Outside of family and my friends from work, she is the only one I do stuff with. All my friends from work are married and have kids, so when the weekend comes it's she and I that are hanging out, shopping, traveling, etc. What am I going to do when she's gone? I can hope I'm in a relationship then and can take comfort and solace in the fact that I will have someone there for me.. but a guy is just not the same type of friend that a girl can be. But who's to say I'll be in a relationship? I've never been in a serious relationship. Ever. My chance of being in a relationship then are about as good as they are now. My job takes priority because I have serious trust and committment issues. Guys are just lining up. *sigh* I wonder where I'll be in 2009.. my heart wants me to be in a happy place, but my brain seems to know better.

I think I need to start praying harder.. my strength is waning and I need a sign that my future is not doomed. Is my faith in myself being tested?