Fighting the Change

I've been staring at a blank page for about 15 minutes, just trying to gather my thoughts. I can't put my finger or any one thing. I have so much going on in my head right now I can't catch just a single thought.

I was out with some friends from church tonight at a local pub to watch the game. So much fun :) Sometimes when I'm out with new people (and most of these people I had never met) I tend to sit in the corner and let my mind wander because I don't feel comfortable enough to talk, but the game gave us plenty to talk about and I only had to redirect myself back to the present a couple of times. One of those times was because I was watching this woman across from me interact with her daughter, who was probably about 6. She seemed kind of bored to be there, but was sitting in her mom's lap just laying against her chest being bear-hugged since she was cold. Her mom was playing with her hair and chatting to my friend next to me. So many thoughts sprang to my mind...

"Will I be like that with my daughter?"

"What is it like to love someone so much you'd give your life for them?"

"What will my life be like when I have kids?"

"Will I be a good mom?"

I hate it when thoughts like these come up because I have no answers. The only way to get answers to those questions is to live it. So that brought me to my next thoughts...

"What is it like to want to be around someone all the time?"

"What will it be like to be married?"

"Will I enjoy being married?"

"How is my life going to change when I find the person I know I want to marry?"

These questions invoked a lot of anxiety. The overall theme in all of this for me is CHANGE. In order to find the answers to those questions, things are going to have to change... and boy do I hate change. Some days the thought of everything I'm going to have to change to have the life I want is just too much. I think today is one of those days.

I quickly got frustrated with myself for being so afraid of change. I can see my friends that are married with kids, or hear A talk about her two children and husband and it seems so normal. I can look at a picture and see just how easy it looks. Husband, wife, kids. Smiling faces. Do they realize that they make it look so easy? No fear in those smiling faces. No doubt. Why am I the only one who seems to have that?

Questions

Why was I strong enough to read out loud what I wrote to my sister, but the idea of reading what I wrote about my abuse is something I can't even fathom?

Why can I think logically about correctly placing blame where it lies, but yet my heart tells me otherwise?

Why is it so hard for me to let go of the guilt and allow myself to really feel what is beneath it?

Why does the prospect of just touching a toe into the metaphorical pool of my pain make me feel as though I am going to fall in and drown?

Why can I not feel the anger I think I should for the man who abused me?

Why is it I can envision forgiving myself for the hurts I have caused others, but not for the hurts I have caused myself?

Why was this the life I was supposed to lead?

Why was I chosen to bear this pain?

James 1:2-3
Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.

Uncertainty

A good portion of my adult life has brought me face to face with extremely uncertain times.

I was 17 and just started my freshman year of college when Sept. 11th occured. I remember sitting in the lobby of my dorm with about 100 other students watching everything unfold on TV wondering if the United States was about to go "up in flames". Never had I experienced a feeling like that. Never again do I want to feel that way. I cry anytime I see footage of that day.

I was at home on a Saturday morning in February 2003. I turned on my TV when I woke up and the news was on and they were showing what looked like a flaming streak in the sky. Apparently I had turned on the TV in a lull in dialogue because it took what seemed like eternity for them to reiterate that what I was seeing was the space shuttle, Columbia. I thought it was a nuclear missile... not that I knew what that would look like, but I definitely thought it was something bad.

I was 19 when we "declared war", and I remember thinking "What does being at war mean? Are there going to be more attacks? Should I expect combat on my home soil? Am I safe?" All I had to reference was what I read in my history books about WWII and the Vietnam war. I had no idea what "being at war" meant.

My first half of my 20's were pretty stable in the grand scheme of things. Nothing as mind altering as the aforementioned, but then again I was away at college and I lived in my own world. *sheepish grin*

The first 2+ years of "real life" has been wonderful! I have a wonderful job; fulfilling, pays well, great job security. Then the Dow started slipping and I could see/hear the worry in my dad's face. A lot of my family's money is in the stock market. On a good day last year (while still in the 10000+ range) the Dow lost 100 pts and my dad said that that loss equated to about $100K lost for the family. Umm, wow. I didn't need to know that. I made the mistake of looking at my quarterly report for my 403b in December and found out that I lost over 1/3 of my contributions.

At 25, I am now experiencing the effects of a recession. It's extremely frightening for me to see how quickly everything seems to be falling apart. I've lived almost all of my life (as an aware member of society) in pretty prevalent economic times, so seeing the opposite of this is causing me to ask a lot of questions again. Is my job safe? Will my family be OK? Are we headed for another "Great Depression"??

Uncertain times bring up a lot of questions for me. Unfortunately most of them cannot be answered!