Feeling your Feelings

Making myself feel is something I have to make a concerted effort to do. I spent all of my adolescence keeping a secret from everyone I knew, pretending that nothing was ever wrong for fear of people beginning to ask questions. The only thing I felt for a very long time was fear. Fear of being abused by someone else, fear of men, fear of someone finding out, fear of change, fear of not having control over everything.

Now that I am beginning to understand the complexity of how what I experienced has shaped my way of living, my coping mechanisms, my relationships, etc, I have found a way to release a bit of the fear and allow myself to experience other emotions. Things like anger, shame, loss, and grief. They come in waves, generally triggered by an event, a memory, discussions in sessions, or journaling. In experiencing these new feelings, I am having a hard time allowing myself to fully open up to feeling those feelings. It's painful. I find myself attempting to divert my thoughts and shut down when I start to feel too much. Like right now.

Every feeling can be described using physical attributes. My stomach feels heavy and tense, like I'm trying to shield myself from a blow. My heart is beating a little faster than it normally does, there's just an edgy feel to it. My throat feels like it is going to close off as a result of my shallow breathing. I can feel myself inching close to something big, I just don't know what it is. I have a feeling however, that I am going to find out soon. I just hope that I can handle the pain that comes with it.