Doubt

I know I haven't been updating much, and it's honestly because I'm not sure what to say. My thoughts are stalled and I feel stuck. I don't know where I am supposed to go from here.

Session on Tuesday was very "basic", not really delving into anything intense but focusing more on what my next step to intensity is going to be. I am on the edge of approaching the spiritual grief I have kept hidden for so long. It is so frightening to me to try to step into this that I am dragging my heels.

Next session will be my one-year ann.iver.sary with A. I cannot believe it has already been a year. I think back to that day and remember just how out of control my life was and how terrified I was of my future. Man, that seems like such a long time ago, but at the same time when I think of the fact that it has only been a year, it's hard to wrap my head around! Towards the end of the session, we went over my intake form and re-assessed the things that I had written, such as my reasons for being there, my goals, and what I thought my focus needed to be in different areas (physical, emotional, spiritual, etc.) After just having discussed how hard I've worked and how much (she and) I feel I have changed, reading over my goals caught me off guard. I don't feel like I've made any huge strides towards the goals I had a year ago, even though I have done the hardest work in my life trying to confront my abuse and work through it. I still feel like the biggest reason I am in counseling is to deal with the effects of the abuse.

Not only that, now I'm thinking I'm wrong for having these feelings. I've worked hard! I've changed! How can this still be something I view as an issue? Why haven't I been able to take everything I've learned and live my life, be in a relationship, and be happy? Why is it when she read me that goal of being in a relationship I felt that all too familiar surge of terror? Maybe I haven't worked as hard as I thought. Maybe I haven't changed as much as I thought.

Can I do this?

I am so afraid. The path I have traveled over the past two years has led me on all sorts of twists and turns, stops and starts, climbs and falls and I have ended up here. At the edge of a place I never thought I'd be, a place I never really planned on being, but yet my steps have lead me here.

I feel so alone. I'm on the edge of a confrontation that breaks all my rules. You can't possibly love and be faithful to God and have such anger towards Him. Or even if you do, you don't dare admit it. You become the fake person who pretends that everything is OK, but live in constant fear that your secret will be revealed.

Every ounce of me is trying to pull myself from the edge. It just seems too dangerous.

Where is my motivation?!

My company teamed up with our local hospital to offer a free wellness check for all employees that wanted to participate. So of course, getting $400 of free bloodwork and a general health analysis based on family history and personal info could not be passed up! As much as I hate needles, I just could not pass up this opportunity.

Everything is normal... I wasn't expecting anything less! My HDL (good cholesterol) is a little low, but that could have been the medicine I've been tapering off of or just the fact that I am overweight. I knew that was going to be my only mark. So I got my analysis back this week and the first thing that I open in that folder is a sheet saying I'm at risk of heart disease, cancer and diabetes. The first two mainly because of my family history, but also because I am oveweight. It felt like such a slap in the face. I know that I worked my butt off to lose the weight I did and I know that I did so much to improve my health, but seeing this analysis just makes me feel that all that work was for nothing because I am still unhealthy! I have gained 20 lbs over the past 3 years and have now pushed myself back into the obese (god, I hate that word) category. I am short, but carry my weight well. I wear 10's and 12's for the most part and do not feel that I am *sigh* obese. So with tapering off my meds, I know that my metabolism has a better chance of ramping back up and giving me an opportunity to get back to the wei.ght lo.ss that I was able to achieve in 18 months.

Only problem is, I have no motivation. Sure I want it, and I know I could do it if I could get my will power under control, but I am having a hard time finding that drive that I used to have. It is so frustrating. Over the past 3 years, I can get my food under control, but then can't establish an exercise routine. Then I get my exercise under control but feel that I can slip on the food. My lifestyle has completely changed however. I rarely eat fast food and whenever I do go out I'm always thinking "Is there anything healthy I can eat there?" but it is proving to be the things that pop up that are doing me in. Snacks in the work room, snacks at meetings. I eat and don't even realize it! I used to be able to see all food and be like "WHOA. Red light! Do you want to eat that even though it is going to cost you?"... and the answer was always NO! I had such willpower! Now it's like I go into a complete haze and just stuff my face with (insert any food here) and only then do I realize that I could have stopped myself if I had just thought about it!

November 29th is my 5th year ann.ivers.ary of starting W.W. My goal is to lose 10 lbs by then so I can celebrate two good things. Somehow that ann.ivers.ary will almost be in vain if I continue on the path I am on right now.

Busy Bee

Wow. I can't believe it has been almost 2 weeks since I last posted. Thanks for those who were checking up on me :)

Work is always super busy in the fall, with many after hours requirements. I worked two 14-hour days last week, and had to miss church on Thursday to help out my best friend who needed childcare because of her own hectic schedule. In addition to that, I had a big day on Wednesday. I got bra.ces!! Most of my friends were suprised that I was doing this as I have very nice teeth, but my fear of surgery lead me to leave my wisdom teeth in too long, which crowded my bottom 4 and top 2 teeth. So my dad is getting me a better smile for Christmas :) He was so sweet and sent me a little note saying he thought my smile was beautiful already. So I had that done Wednesday afternoon, and have been remarkably pain free, until today... but Tyle.nol is helping. I can't really eat, as my top two teeth are hitting my bottom brac.kets which is keeping my molars from touching in the back, thus not being able to chew anything. It has been interesting, but I am having fun eating ice cream! :) (photo removed 10/13)

I have had a rough couple of weeks emotionally. The first ann.ivers.ary of my grandpa's death was hard for me. I remember picking up my grandma a different hospital, and driving her to see my grandpa thinking we still had a few days to say goodbye, but when we got there the doctors told us he wasn't going to make it and we needed to go see him immediately. I remember standing there watching her say goodbye to him. I stood there and watched him die.

My grandpa was one of the only men in my life that I truly trusted. He was such a good grandpa. He gave the best hugs. Even when he was so sick, he still crushed me with his big bear hugs. He was always so positive... even when he was exhausted from che.mo, he wouldn't let it get him down. I miss his presence in my life.

I ended up choosing cutting as an outlet for my grief, bargaining with myself Tuesday night that I would only cut twice and go to bed. I did that, but then Wednesday I felt so much emotional pressure I thought I was going to explode. I ended up cutting almost 20 times that night. I felt so ashamed the next day that I had let myself get so out of control... so ashamed I couldn't even bring it up in session on Tuesday. I went in thinking I was going to tell her, but I did not want anyone else to know how weak I was. My homework had been to identify things that had happened or things I had done that is a testament to my strength, as I have been feeling very weak lately. We went through that list and then I just started crying.

I knew it was going to happen. That emotional pressure was only temporarily released with the cutting, but it had built back up. I am tired. I am so tired of having to work so hard at every little thing in my life. Having to care about everything. I can't ever just go blindly into a situation, because I am terrified of the outcomes. I told her I'm tired of living this life. I'm mad that this is the life I have to live, when others seem to have it so much easier. Do they have to analyze every situation for danger? Do they have to hope that every man is not abusive? Do they have to push back awful memories when they see a face that looks remotely familiar? Does everyone have to work so hard emotionally that they are raw all the time? My tears turned into anger, with no one to blame.

We got on the topic of God, seeing as I told her I don't feel I have anyone here to blame and she asked me how God fit into that category, specifically if I was mad at Him. I told her yes, but I would never admit it to anyone, or even say the words to myself. I feel like such an awful person even thinking it, let alone admitting it. I think I said that it was my parents who taught me that it was never OK to be mad at God, but later I realized that they taught me it was never OK to be mad at anyone, and I was the one who made that leap to never be mad at God. It's part of the reason why I am afraid to go to church. Everyone pretends they live this perfect life and are never mad at God, and I just feel like I don't belong... because I am mad.

I've been reading Psa.lms this week, mainly the verses where Da.vid voices his frustrations and angers with God. A man after His own heart, was mad at God. I've got to learn that it's OK that I am mad, too. Easier said than done.