Who Are You On Vacation?

I've been reading a lot of posts lately about vacation and how people are finding an inner peace that seems almost impossible when at home, immersed in daily life and adult responsibilities.

V and I actually had this discussion a few weeks ago when I got back from DC. I don't remember how we got on the topic, but I mentioned that traveling brings out a side of me that isn't seen a lot at home. I feel in my element, confident and worthy. I speak up about things that normally would warrant a non-response or some sort of internal dialogue and shame. I walk in the front of the line, instead of always wanting to be at the back. I am spontaneous. I sleep soundly. I laugh. I play. I feel whole.

For whatever time frame that I am on vacation, I find that I immediately pick up these characteristics and feel so at peace within my own mind and body... something that feels at times impossible in my normal day to day surroundings.

What is it about traveling/vacation that flips that switch so easily for me?

It literally is an almost instant transformation. Sometimes it happens as soon as I arrive at the airport, other times it's as I step off the plane. I know that amazing experiences are ahead of me. I've planned for them. I've paid for them. It's like I get to have control over my life in a way that is not possible at home. I get to pick and choose what I want to do that I know will bring me joy, do it on my own time frame, with the people I want and it all falls into place (assuming I've planned ahead properly!). Vacation is like a glimpse of what life would be like if you could control everything. Maybe that's why we all like vacation so much! What's not to like about that?!

By the end of a good vacation, I'm ready to be home if for nothing more than to sleep in my own bed, but part of me wonders now if my eagerness to be back home is to try and put into practice these traits and characteristics that I possess on vacation. To try and blend this seemingly completely separate me into my "real" life.

Are you different on vacation?

Venturing Out

I've been in DC for the last week with 3 of my friends. I had a BLAST!!

We got to do so much stuff, a lot of which most people don't get to do. My friend has a congressman in her family so we got to have a guided tour through the tunnels and other hidden places in the Capitol that you wouldn't see otherwise. We hung out in his office for a while and just chatted. He was also able to get us an internal tour of the White House and Pentagon, which were both amazing!! We did all the other "normal" stuff; monuments, statues, memorials, the National Cathedral, Arlington cemetery, etc. I don't think I've ever done so much walking in my entire life. I have a pretty high tolerance for pain, but my feet hurt so bad on the second day I was almost in tears once we got back to the hotel.

It's probably a good thing we walked like 100 miles because I ate nothing but junk food while we were there! I had more pizza and hamburgers in the past 6 days than I have in the past 6 months probably! Hopefully I didn't do too much damage. I've been doing Jenny Craig this summer and I don't want to have to re-lose the same weight.

I'm glad to be back home! I'm glad to have my own bed and bathroom, rather than having to share with 3 others. It was quite an experience. There were times that we laughed so hard we were crying, and rode back in silence because we were all a little crabby.

My goal while I was there was to be "in the moment". I didn't want to spend my vacation caught up in my head, worrying about things I can't control or things that aren't even occurring anytime soon. I wanted to be happy with what I was doing and try to stay positive, even when I was sleep deprived, hungry or both. I also wanted to be a more genuine me. A lot of times when I'm in a group, I tend to become a wallflower and let others guide the decisions, conversations, etc. Instead of always doing that, if I had something I wanted to say or suggest, I did. There were times that I still fell into old habits (confrontation avoiding, playing peacekeeper, etc) but since those weren't my specific goals I wasn't hard on myself for not challenging them.

All in all, it was an amazing trip! DC is now my absolute favorite American vacation! If you haven't been, go!!! :)

Westward I Go!

Heading to California for the next 7 days. Probably not a lot of relaxation, but guaranteed laughter during this family reunion at my dad's!

See you next week!

Not Every Day Is Good

Not every day is going to be a good day. I could hug my doctor for telling me that last week, because in my mind, if every day is not a good day that means I am not going to get better.

Today was not a good day. I woke up hideously anxious, which generally does not progress well because the events of the day tend to ramp me up even more.

Sure enough, by 10AM I was so anxious I was tipping on the edge of hyperventilating. I had made an appointment to go back to the chiropractor since my upper back has been bothering me since the surgery. I figured it was because I had been walking through the halls of school somewhat hunched over and guarding myself from the hundreds of teenagers not paying attention to where they are going/running in the halls. That shame voice immediately sprang into action and made me feel even worse about going. "You don't need to go, you're being dramatic, you just want attention, you're only wasting your money." So of course that made me even more anxious, fighting with myself basically. (I did go and after one adjustment I do feel better!)

I got home and toyed with the idea of going to go workout, but having taken 6 weeks off for surgery, then re-starting this Sunday and working out for 3 days in a row, I was feeling very sore. I know my muscles needed a break. Cue shame voice. "You're getting ready to go on vacation, you won't be exercising a lot, you're going to gain weight, you're being lazy." So I grappled with this and ramped up my anxiety even more. I ended up taking a nap with the option to revisit when I woke up... but apparently I was tired and slept til almost 5!

I was supposed to take my cat to my mom's house tonight so she can watch her while I'm gone, but she ended up working late and asked me to do it tomorrow before my flight. Not really a problem, but I immediately started thinking about all the things I have to do tomorrow before I leave and I started adding to my already peaked anxiety. Enter shame voice again. "You should have done your laundry earlier. Now you can't go work out in the morning because you have to drive to (hometown). You haven't even cleaned up the apartment yet. Way to wait til the last minute."

My cousin (K) called to confirm my flight info and we started talking about what the schedule looks like for the next 7 days. Her first question for me was if I wanted to go to a nightclub with her tomorrow night for a few hours. Holy crap, bells, whistles, steam, anxiety x 1030835. My social anxiety has gotten increasingly worse since starting this medication and the idea of being in a room full of drunk strangers touching me is enough to put me in tears. I told her I didn't want to do that. Thankfully she knows quite a bit about the past two years of my life (the only one in my family who does) and she is caring enough to even ask! I am so thankful for that. The more we talked though, the more anxious I got because I have so little control over the next week.

I know everything is going to be fine, and that in the moment I'm going to be having so much fun with my family I won't be feeling all of this... but the fact that it all is racing through my head now is just fueling my anxiety. Shame voice and no control makes for a night of panic attacks. Ugh.

Spring Break

Halle-freaking-lujah.

I have had a very stressful week. I basically lost my job, have had to go through the regular process of scheduling interviews, submitting paperwork, etc. Haven't been home before 9PM any night this week except tonight. Best friend had her baby yesterday. I was able to take the day yesterday off and be with her all day, but had to go back to work today. So I'm getting ready to head out there now and possibly spend the night to give her husband a break. They also have an 11 month old and he is having a hard time with everything changing so fast!

I have an interview Tuesday with the principal for the school I am interested in transferring to. He asked me to send him my resume last week, which I did. He e-mailed me back not 5 minutes later saying he saw that he and I went to the same college. We exchanged a few e-mails showing our school pride and not long after started talking about our basketball team and our chances in March Madness. I have a good feeling about this transfer :) If nothing else, at least he'll remember me!

I also have an appointment with the surgeon on Tuesday. Need to figure out a game plan for this gallbladder issue I apparently have. Everyone is convinced I'm going to have to have surgery. Me, not so much. But we'll see.

I had a rough time last night. A lot of triggers throughout the day. It messed with my attitude today. I'm hoping that going back to the hospital does not trigger me again. I need to find another method of release if it does.

Vacation Musings

I made it to Christmas Break. Hallelujah. It has been a crazy week. God has given me some amazing opportunities to heal and grow in the past few weeks and I have been open to them. But with that I can't help but feel I am holding back something. I don't know what it is. I made sure to talk to A about that on Tuesday, and she gave me an assignment to journal every night and answer 3 questions about my emotions. It's now Sunday night and I haven't sat down once to do that! Oops! I'm thinking I might not attempt to do that until I get home. I need a break, from more than just work.

I'm in Cal.ifor.nia right now visiting my dad and stepmom. My sister was supposed to come with me but she got violently ill on Monday and has been throwing up non-stop since then. She has been in the emergency room and to the doctor 4 times, and has lost 20 lbs in 6 days. She was just too sick to come, which sucks on multiple levels. I hate that she is so sick, but I'm really bummed that I don't get to spend any time with her. This is normally the only time I get good one on one time with her and could possibly be the last time we'd be able to do this as she is a senior in college and will be graduating and working soon.

I'm making do with the situation and really exerting myself. Today I worked out, watched 8 hrs of football, took a nap and laid out by the pool. Yeah. Tomorrow we're going shopping, then to the movies and dinner. Now that's what I call vacation!

Seeing the Pain

Chi.ca.go was so much fun! It ended up being just me and my cousin which was wonderful. She and I are more like sisters than anything. We ate, shopped and talked. It was just what I needed to start off my break. Thankfully I have the entire week off from work. I have been going non-stop since August without a single day off. It's the longest stretch in the year with no break, so I am very thankful for the time to regroup!

I had a conversation with my cousin one night while in Chi.ca.go that brought out some thoughts that have been deeply buried for a while. She is the only person in my family who knows about everything that I have been through the past two years and a lot of the personal struggles I have had as a result of that. So I updated her on counseling and how hard it has been, but how grateful I am that she pushes me to do the work I need to be doing. I talked about my current state of being afraid of confronting God and what all that means. She asked me about my dad (her uncle) and how he fits into my recovery. At the time I honestly told her that he didn't. I never expected anything from him, so it wasn't a surprise when that is exactly what I got. She went on to say that both of her parents (my aunt and uncle, dad's brother) are both so upset with how my dad handled everything with me and my sister. I don't think she meant the abuse specifically, I think she meant more of how he handles his relationship with us, but I was shocked to be so stung at the fact that they too have acknowledged his inaction. I sort of shrugged it off for the time being, but I felt inclined to mention it yesterday in session.

I was surprised at the emotions I had when I talked about that conversation. I never felt the need to confront my dad with the way he handled/didn't handle my abuse as well as other aspects of our relationship. I came to terms with the fact that he was not the type of dad that would be there emotionally for me. I had tried changing that for a while but just became angry and resentful. But once I made that realization, I was able to accept him for who he was and not expect that support. I have spent the last 8 years or so really enjoying being around him and not harboring any bad feelings of anything. Even after all of this, I still will be able to do the same thing. But now I am realizing the hurt I feel because of this. I never thought about it. Now that it has been brought to my attention I am realizing how much I have avoided that because it brings me so much pain.

Same thing with God. The underlying pain being that He was also the one I wanted and needed to protect me and that didn't happen. The pain that comes with those two acknowledgements have caused me to drag my feet a lot in session. It almost seems like too much to think about at once so I am finding myself shutting down. Even A mentioned it. For 6 weeks I have been letting this wall keep me from moving forward and I haven't really been pushing myself (with the exception of last week) to get past it. With that was said that she realizes how huge these two things are because I have kept them so buried because they both cause so much pain. She realizes how hard these two things are for me to talk about.

I told her that I do want things to get better, but I don't know what I have to do to start pushing forward. When first acknowledging my abuse, I knew that I had to eventually tell her my story to start healing. With trying to improve my relationship with my mom I knew I had to acknowledge everything she had done that hurt me. I knew that... but this is different. I don't know what I have to do to make things better. I'm scared of what it is I will have to do. I have proven that I will do almost anything I need to do in order to get better once I know what that is. So she told me where a starting point is for me... and that is what I am working on this week.

I wrote a little bit yesterday and kept myself from dis.sociating while writing. I cried more than I expected to while writing to my Dad. I then started a little bit with God. I found myself more confused and annoyed than hurt while writing, but it could have been because I tried doing too much at one time. I'm planning on revisiting it again soon.

I just want to get past this. It's bringing out an angry, hurt side to me that I am not enjoying.

Au Revoir!

Girls weekend in Chi.ca.go. I'll be back late Monday night!

Vacation Bliss

I have been in the mountains of southern California for the past week and it has been so blissful. My dad and stepmom live there, and my sister and I visit at least twice a year. The life they lead is storybook. When I go there I get to forget all my troubles and do things I never get to do on my own; shopping sprees, spa days, or just lay out by the pool and gaze into the mou.ntains without a care in the world.

That being said, all good things must come to an end and as I was driving home from the airport tonight I could feel the weight of my life starting to balance on my shoulders again. I did journal one night, but did not feel the emotion and connection that I normally feel when I am at home in my own bed, so close to my life that I can't help but feel everything that goes with it. I spent a ton of time with my sister on this trip, which I really enjoyed. I have learned not to obsess over trying to change her ways. She and I are very different and part of the reason why we had a falling out (among other reasons that had nothing to do with me) is because of my inability to accept her the way she is. I really do feel that I have grown and learned with my own changing that a person can only change if they want to, not because you want them to. I think that has really helped me in continuing to build a relationship with her.

Having so much time with her, we really were able to do a lot of talking. Something we normally don't do and I did my best to be supportive of her endeavors in life. A normal event for us when we are out there is to be handed the credit card and sent to shop til we drop. This time proved to be no different. Seeing as they live in the mountains, we are a good 45 minute drive from the mall or any shopping center, so we had a lot of car time. If you've ever driven a lot with a loved one, I'm sure you've noticed how much easier it is to talk side by side instead of face to face. Anyway, there were so many times I wanted to bring up the guilt I felt about her abuse and ask her if she blamed me for it, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I didn't want to dampen the mood plus I really know what she would say to me. I know she doesn't blame me. And the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I can honestly say I am starting to not blame myself either. I know there is nothing I could have done to prevent it and there was nothing I did do to cause it. I really think that what I am feeling now is just pain... pain for her.
When I look back on that session where all of this came up, the session that I had that massive panic attack, I wonder just how much of that was a reaction to talking about my abuse so in depth. Initially I thought it had everything to do with how I felt about my sister's abuse and what I viewed as my part in it, but now I'm not so sure. When I think about how easy it was for me to write that letter to my sister AND read it out loud in session, it makes me think that this was not what was affecting me so much that I broke down. When I think about the 6 page account of my abuse that I wrote and brought into session, I can feel the adrenaline start coursing through my body and the increased pace of my heart and breathing. When I think about the last three paragraphs we read before I had to stop, it makes me want to crawl in a hole. That feeling makes me think that the issue of my sister's abuse was just a smokescreen. I am really starting to feel that God was just giving me a break in the road I was on to allow myself to gain some healing in my relationship with her and to gain some insight in how I can help myself before I turn my attention back to where we came from. And where I came from is a deep, dark place where I will need His help the most.

Forward Thinking

Howdy all, I'm back from the Rocky Mou.ntain state. Spent some fun times with my family, went up to our cabin (where it was cold enough to need multiple layers!), hiked, kayaked, and did other wilderness things. I got back home today, a good 40 degrees higher than it had been where I was. And now, 10:30 at night my A/C has chosen to crap out. Fabulous.

I had sent A an e-mail last week after our last session because I was feeling extremely overwhelmed with the things we were discussing and my inability to acknowledge them at that specific moment in session. That in turn was leaving me to feel extreme guilt for what I left unanswered and for telling myself that I should have been brave enough to talk. After all, they are just words right? Beginning our session tonight with the e-mail I sent, we picked apart the things I told her were keeping me from speaking up in session, as well as my hopeless feeling that no matter what I do, there is just too much to fix to even bother. At first we focused on why I feel as though I am not able to speak up in session when asked something that really strikes a chord with me. Bottom line - I'm telling myself I should not be feeling this way and that I am bad/awful/wrong for doing so. Solution - Work on using positive reinforcement as a means to at least acknowledge what I am feeling is there, and if I can do it, tell myself it is OK that I am feeling that way. Main line - the negative thinking is hurting and not helping me, but positive thinking is at worst neutral, but has the potential to be helpful.

In addition to that, I am to start working on forward thinking instead of backward thinking. Part of the hopelessness I am feeling is because of revisiting sessions where I feel I did not do the best I could, or push myself as hard I could, causing me to wish I had said this or done that, etc. etc. Instead of thinking backwards, I am to think forward. If there was something I didn't answer or bring up that is still on my mind later, write it down and talk about it next time... or don't if I still don't feel like it. That way I am taking control of what I can change (i.e. the future) instead of obsessing what I can't (the past). Seems so obvious, but for someone like me who was always called out on past actions, it is not easy to break that cycle.

After discussing these very important things, she asked me: "What do you feel you are ready to talk about?" causing me immediate stress in having to categorize and prioritize the things in my mind and pick something to talk about. Ugh. Picking one thing over the other is hard for me to do, because it means that I have to vocalize what I think is the most pressing issue. In all honesty, I'm afraid that what I want to talk about is something that she thinks I don't need to work on. Stupid I know, but I am afraid that if I say the abuse is something I want to talk about, she's going to think "Why is she bringing this up again? Doesn't she know this isn't the cause of all of her problems?" So instead of being direct, I tiptoed around vague things until time was up. My immediate reaction was to be disappointed in myself, but I tried to push that into making goals for next weeks session based on what I would have changed for this weeks.

They are as follows:
- Don't be vague, be direct and give details of my fears
- Try not to hold back tears if they are there
- Be honest about what I want to talk about

It's now 11PM and it's still 93 degrees outside.. and I still have a broken air conditioner. Forward thinking says I'll be placing a call to the office at 8AM sharp to get someone to come fix it.

Did I even breathe today?

1. Woke up at 9:30
2. Started laundry
3. 10:45 appt to drop off (new) car to get front 2 windows tinted
4. Picked up by D and taken to chiro
5. Got adjusted
6. Back to pick up (new) car, finished windows in 30 mins
7. Drop off D's car, drive to lunch
8. Order and eat lunch
9. Notice weird pain in neck
10. Go to Tar.get to pick up travel size items
11. Kill time, visit pet store
12. Buy cute cotton dress at Ro.ss for $12.99 (WOO!)
13. Run to Ho.me De.pot to visit D's husband who was sent to pick something up
14. Start feeling stabbing pain in neck
15. Call from inspection company, ready to inspect (old) car
16. Meet inspector, get (old) car inspected
17. Drive 30 mins to turn in (old) car to dealership
18. Fill out paperwork, turn over keys
19. Call chiro, wonder if adjustment messed with my neck
20. Race back to chiro and get there 5 mins before close
21. Adjusted again, no reason for neck spasms and pain
22. Drop off D at my apartment to pick up her car
23. Run to Kinko's to fax lease termination to new dealership
24. Pick up dinner from grocery store
25. Get to apartment just as tornado sirens go off (SERIOUSLY?!)
26. Take cover in bathroom with 2 cats, flashlight and cell phone
27. Emerge 30 mins later, eat dinner
28. Oh crap, laundry? Fold and wash
29. Shooting pains in neck/jaw still, web check-in to CareNow
30. Called into office, seen by doctor
31. Diagnosed with acute lymph.adentitis, given antibiotics and pain meds
32. Fill prescr.iptions, spend 3x longer there than at the doctor
33. Home at 10PM, shower
34. Phone with friend, pack, charge electronics
35. Blog about my crazy day.

Oh right... *breathe*

Hello, NY.C! I'll be back Monday night.

Gardasil

Today went exactly as planned except for one small bump. Went for a medication check and my 2nd Gar.dasil shot today and was expecting a quick in and out. Last time I had a series of weird reactions (basically spikes in BP) after the shot, but attributed it to my extreme anxiety and stress level. I got my shot (which by the way hurts like hell) and headed to the front to schedule my next appointment and pay. While I was standing there waiting for her to finish her phone call I got extremely lightheaded, "fuzzy vision" and felt like I was going to throw up. I told her I needed to sit down and she yelled at the nurse for some water... yeah. Little late for that. I ended up somewhere short of the chairs, thankfully segregated from the embarrassment of passing out in the waiting room. I felt like such an idiot! A nurse for one of the other doctors administered my last injection and was like "Oh yeah! I remember you now." LOL Great. My doctor had to come back out and make sure I was OK, gave me a sweet pat on the head and told me to take my time getting up. Geez.

I came home and took a nap because I was feeling a little woozy still, then went to get my hair highlighted and trimmed a bit. I was able to schedule an appointment with someone who is really hard to get, so I was stoked. She did an awesome job on my hair. Did my grocery shopping afterwards, came home and unpacked, did the dishes and ate some dinner. I'm about to tackle a little cleaning before settling down to watch House and 24.

I have a double session tomorrow at 11 which I am kind of nervous about. I have some writing I need to do for that, but am wondering if the focus is really where it needs to be right now. Ugh. It all needs to be worked on, but I just feel like there are some things that are holding me back in my life more than others. I just pull back so much when we barely touch on certain topics, I can't imagine how hard it will be if I were to say that I would like the main focus to be that. It makes my heart race just thinking about it.

Night Owl

So I've quickly reverted to my internal time, which is very much the night owl. I spend most of my off time up until 3 or 4AM, and sleeping in spurts throughout the day. I am in the way wrong field for my internal clock. Getting up early is a bitch!

2 days of my week off have already blown by. I hate that. I spent them visiting my best friend (who is just weeks away from delivery). I can't help but just stare at her when I am there with her. I have never been privy to so much of the pregnancy stuff than I have been with her. I cannot wait to meet her little boy. I'm hoping I can get down there in enough time to "see" the birth. The anticipation is killing me!

I drove back a little earlier than I planned to today so I could stop by a huge furniture warehouse in town that is only open on the weekends. They were advertising mattresses and I have been needing one for a while. My massage sessions have done wonders on my shoulders, but my hips and back are increasingly painful because of my old mattress... so I figured I'd use my tax return for this purpose. I got an awesome deal on a queen pillowtop mattress and box spring for less than $1000 including delivery. Only problem is they can't deliver until next weekend, and my cousin will be in town from Friday PM- Monday and I am not going to wait around for a delivery when she's only here for a short time. So now I'll have to wait 2 weeks.

Tomorrow I've got an appointment at my OBGYN for my 2nd Gar.dasil shot and a medication follow-up. I'm hoping she'll agree to write me the script for the Lexa.pro so I won't have to go back to a psychiatrist. We'll see! I'm planning on trying out a new spa/salon near my apartment after that. I need to touch up the highlights in my hair big time. I'm sure I'll make time for a nap as well, in addition to some grocery shopping. I hope that the week goes by a lot slower than the weekend! I need all the relaxation I can get!!!