Talking and Crying

It has been a very challenging week. My session today with A reflected that as I spent just about the whole hour crying.

Monday I had my appointment with the new psychiatrist. It went much better than I could have ever expected. She was very personable and easy to talk to. I didn't have any anxiety answering her questions or offering extra information I thought she should know. That is night and day to my last experience with a psychiatrist. She is lowering the dosage of my current anti-anxiety/depression medication and added a mood stabilizer to help keep me from crashing as often. I'll go back to see her in a few weeks to make sure that things are going well with current doses before I head back to work. Tuesday was the day of my procedure, and while it was much easier than the surgery in April, it still took its toll on my body. I felt like the walking dead most of Tuesday and Wednesday. Having found out about my grandma late Tuesday, I tossed and turned most of the night, not getting much sleep even though I was exhausted. Same goes for last night. I couldn't turn my brain off. I kept thinking about how in just 3 weeks we've gone from hopeful to about 6 months to live. That 6 months from now will be right around Christmas. That more than likely my holidays won't include her anymore. That my mom is going to be so devastated by her death. That the realization of that makes me feel so helpless. That I want to spend time with my grandma before I go back to work in a few weeks, but I'm afraid to. That I want to hug her and tell her how scared I am and that I don't want her to die, but knowing that would only burden her more. That today my baby cousin would have turned 15, but will forever stay 13 in the eternity of heaven.

A just let me talk and cry today. Somehow I don't think that will be the last time that will happen.

Happy birthday, little butterfly.

10 comments:

Finally Free said...
July 29, 2010 at 7:22 PM

((((Lily)))
So sorry to hear about your Grandma.

Here listening,
Tammy

Mary said...
July 29, 2010 at 8:03 PM

It probably will not be the last time, and that's okay. It's better to feel the pain and grieve than to bury it and not though it may not feel that way.

May you feel God's arm around you as you grieve.

Hugs!

Flannery said...
July 29, 2010 at 11:06 PM

(((hugs)))

Here, with the proverbial ear and shoulder. The grief will always be there, but maybe one day it won't bite so sharply.

God Whispers said...
July 30, 2010 at 2:19 AM

Lily I am so very sorry about your grandmother. I am sorry that your heart is very heavy. Here with you dear one..... ((((Lily))))

Karen said...
July 30, 2010 at 6:25 AM

So sorry for your tears...

Talk to your Grandma...your words will not be a burden to her....

Paula said...
July 30, 2010 at 11:02 AM

I am listening and holding you. I will be here all the time.

Colleen said...
July 30, 2010 at 10:17 PM

Sorry about your grandmother. Hugs.

sarah said...
July 31, 2010 at 5:37 AM

here for you too Lily...listening...sending hugs...

Grace said...
August 1, 2010 at 12:49 PM

(((dear sweet Lily)))) So many things for your to jugglge right now. Sometimes it feels overwhelming and endless.
I am thinking of you and sending you whatever strength I can muster today across the web.
~ Gracie