I have been extremely busy lately. Family parties, church parties, work parties, school, therapy. Jeesh. It's the last week of school before winter break, so my kids are falling apart at the seams. They are burnt out and need a break. As does their teacher. But we have finals to prepare for which means no down time :(

I have been approaching some hard topics in therapy with V. None harder than the one we just touched on last night, and after 20 minutes I was curled up in a ball, fighting off a panic attack and flashbacks that left me in a daze the rest of the night. I am so freaking exhausted of not being able to approach therapy the way I want to or think I need to because my body can't handle it and shuts down. It's frustrating to feel like I have to work at a snail's pace when my mind has made the decision that my body has just not caught up to yet. V says I need to be more patient with myself. That I put way too much pressure on myself and that I have got to focus on the baby steps as my victories for now.

I went home last night and tried to calm myself down, but ended up sending myself into another panic attack thinking about how I didn't plan ahead with my cutting and will have to work extra hard to cover scars while I'm visiting my dad out in California. They just got a new pool installed and he is so excited for me to enjoy it. I CANNOT get into a bathing suit. Oh my gosh. There is just no way... and I wasn't thinking about that over the past 6 weeks. The scars on my thigh are mostly healed but you can still see them in direct sunlight. The ones on my calf are fresh. I just wasn't thinking that I normally don't start cutting there until I get BACK from California... so now I'm stressed out about what I'm going to say to get out of swimming in their new pool. I'm not going to be able to wear shorts at all like I normally do there (it's winter and cold here so I wasn't thinking about that either!). Ugh.

Lots going on in my world right now... I can't wait until I can get to a point where I actually enjoy the holidays again. Right now they are nothing but a source of stress and anxiety.


Just Be Real said...
December 16, 2010 at 4:41 AM

Dear one I am so very sorry!!!

Working at a snails pace yes is frustrating, but I have found out that we did not get where we are over night. It took time as well. I hear you. I share your same frustrations dear one.

Harriet said...
December 16, 2010 at 6:03 PM

I know exactly how you feel about "planning" your cutting for where you'll be and who you'll see. I had that problem this week when I had to go to the doctor and I was afraid of what he would think of my forearms. {{{Hugs}}}

Being Me said...
December 17, 2010 at 3:09 AM

Rejoice in the the positives, forget the negatives, be happier for the things we can achieve, move on from those we can't.

Hope the season brings you peace.

sarah said...
December 17, 2010 at 1:01 PM

I hear you Lily...I feel pretty much the same. And there's so much running around and having to be present which sometimes is hard. Hope you can make some down time...time just for you..to kick back and relax.

Lisa said...
December 17, 2010 at 4:04 PM

YOU WILL get to a point where you will be able to enjoy the holidays. Hang in there.


Anonymous said...
December 20, 2010 at 6:17 PM

Question...why do you *have* to get in a swim suit? Why can't you wear shorts or capris while you are there? Can you make yourself "busy" during those times by watching kids while they are playing in the pool, helping, or whatever else? Don't let this hinder you from having fun!

I hope the holidays can be restful :)

Dr. Deb said...
December 21, 2010 at 4:52 PM

Wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy 2011.

Dr. Deb said...
December 22, 2010 at 5:08 PM

Stopping by to wish you a most wonderful holiday and new year!