Revelations

My session with V on Thursday was intense. My body has responded by throwing me in a tailspin of uncontrollable panic attacks and horrible mood swings. I had to leave work Friday because I couldn't get myself under control. I can't even begin to wrap my head around how much I am going to have to release to heal. God help me.

"He could have killed you." It's scary how true those words are. If he wanted to, he could have killed me. No doubt. He was so much stronger than I was. To hear that I possibly saved my own life by not fighting back is a double-edged sword. Horrible to think that I could have ever been in that much danger, yet good because for once I can sincerely acknowledge that I did not and could not have had as much control as I pretend I could have. That throws a kink in my belief that I could have done anything to stop him... something I've all but convinced myself was true. But seeds of doubt are growing and I'm beginning to see that for exactly what it is: not true. As scary as it is to ponder what my reaction would be if I was placed in the same (or worse) situation now, overpowered by someone bigger than me, terrified and hurt, I wouldn't think my reaction would be any different. I would do what I thought would be safest for me and not fight back; live to see another day. Being able to identify this for the first time ever is already making it harder to blame the 13 year old for doing the exact same thing. Yet, I'm stuck in a place where I don't know what to do with that. So much focus and thought has been spent on the "what if's" that I started taking on the blame. If I suddenly don't acknowledge them anymore, where does all that emotion go? I can attempt to throw it all on him, but it's like two opposing sides of a magnet; no matter how hard you keep pushing, it'll keep getting bounced off or thrown back. Why can't I feel ANYTHING about him? There literally is nothing there. It just doesn't make sense. I wish I could understand why, that of everyone in my life at that time, he is the only one who never got any anger. Everyone else has, either directly or indirectly. I have hated them all for lesser things. But not him. Why have I made him immune to my emotions?
-- Journal writing from Thursday night, post session

5 comments:

sarah said...
December 4, 2010 at 6:16 PM

just want you to know...I'm here listening..and praying..

Finding Pam said...
December 4, 2010 at 7:58 PM

Lily, this is powerful and painful.
I will keep you in my prayers, too.

Hugs to you.

Paula said...
December 5, 2010 at 4:02 AM

Lily, my heart goes out to you. It is hard and ehavy going. Yes. he could have killed you. Yes you have chosen life over abuse. That was teh control you have had. Not that he was stronger - he was, not that he could have killed you. You have chosen life. You could have chosen to fight... But you have chosen life. LIFE. Hang in there, you have progressed with high speed, actually like a quantum leap sine you got a new therapist. Love form my heart to yours!

Just Be Real said...
December 5, 2010 at 1:40 PM

My dear Lily as I read this entry I can so relate. Your abuser was the same age as my brother when he was sexually abusing me. And to this day, I have never gotten angry at my brother for the many times he abused me.

"Why can't I feel ANYTHING about him? There literally is nothing there. It just doesn't make sense. I wish I could understand why, that of everyone in my life at that time, he is the only one who never got any anger. Everyone else has, either directly or indirectly. I have hated them all for lesser things. But not him. Why have I made him immune to my emotions?"

Although, I never felt threaten that my life was in danger....I share that same question as you "why don't I feel anger?" My t. and I came up with an answer, in my case at least. My brother and I were very young. He was more than likely demonstrating and practicing on his little sister over and over again. It was not like a pre-meditated rape attack with someone older that knew what they were planning on doing, which I am sure would have caused a different response from me.

Still, the abuse has nevertheless left an everlasting effect on me emotionally and sexually. The area of intimacy is very hard for me. Something, I really do not know in my life time I will ever be able to handle? Does make me very sad though.....

But, it kind of makes sense as to why I could never get angry at my brother, even now for doing what he did. DOES NOT EXCUSE HIM! But there is no anger on my part. Realizing this option, eases my concern a bit.

Here listening dear one.....
((((Lily))))

Addison said...
December 7, 2010 at 3:16 PM

*hugs* You are definitely in the midst of strong and healthy therapeutic work.

I think sometimes we tend to direct our anger at the safest people in our lives. I know I do.