Fighting the Change

I've been staring at a blank page for about 15 minutes, just trying to gather my thoughts. I can't put my finger or any one thing. I have so much going on in my head right now I can't catch just a single thought.

I was out with some friends from church tonight at a local pub to watch the game. So much fun :) Sometimes when I'm out with new people (and most of these people I had never met) I tend to sit in the corner and let my mind wander because I don't feel comfortable enough to talk, but the game gave us plenty to talk about and I only had to redirect myself back to the present a couple of times. One of those times was because I was watching this woman across from me interact with her daughter, who was probably about 6. She seemed kind of bored to be there, but was sitting in her mom's lap just laying against her chest being bear-hugged since she was cold. Her mom was playing with her hair and chatting to my friend next to me. So many thoughts sprang to my mind...

"Will I be like that with my daughter?"

"What is it like to love someone so much you'd give your life for them?"

"What will my life be like when I have kids?"

"Will I be a good mom?"

I hate it when thoughts like these come up because I have no answers. The only way to get answers to those questions is to live it. So that brought me to my next thoughts...

"What is it like to want to be around someone all the time?"

"What will it be like to be married?"

"Will I enjoy being married?"

"How is my life going to change when I find the person I know I want to marry?"

These questions invoked a lot of anxiety. The overall theme in all of this for me is CHANGE. In order to find the answers to those questions, things are going to have to change... and boy do I hate change. Some days the thought of everything I'm going to have to change to have the life I want is just too much. I think today is one of those days.

I quickly got frustrated with myself for being so afraid of change. I can see my friends that are married with kids, or hear A talk about her two children and husband and it seems so normal. I can look at a picture and see just how easy it looks. Husband, wife, kids. Smiling faces. Do they realize that they make it look so easy? No fear in those smiling faces. No doubt. Why am I the only one who seems to have that?


Just Be Real said...
January 10, 2010 at 3:20 AM
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Secretia said...
January 10, 2010 at 5:53 AM

I think you'll be a wonderful wife and mother!

Finally Free said...
January 10, 2010 at 9:28 AM
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Being Me said...
January 10, 2010 at 9:41 AM

Marriage can be wonderful, but always be open to God who will lead you. Trouble comes when we discount his whisperings to follow our heart and head.
Sometimes our choice is not his ?
Keep praying, you sound like you will make a good mother.


sarah said...
January 10, 2010 at 9:51 AM
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Harriet said...
January 10, 2010 at 6:14 PM

I think it's good to question and think about the future. I probably should have done more of that before I got married. I just thought that was what I would do - get married and have children. It was more of a shock to my system than I ever would have imagined! Now that I've been married 21 years it's fine, but it definitely was an adjustment that I wasn't prepared for.

Sophia said...
January 10, 2010 at 8:18 PM
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Shattered said...
January 11, 2010 at 12:48 PM

Oh... beneath the smiles, almost all mothers are scared. I know I was and still am! You are right though, most of your questions are answered by doing. I'm a perfectionist and I think that hurts my ability to be a confident parent the most. I want to be the perfect mother, wife, etc and in the end that hurts me. Sometimes living truly is a good rememdy and when you are ready, it will happen. :)

therapydoc said...
January 11, 2010 at 10:41 PM

You'll be a great mom!

Irenic said...
January 12, 2010 at 6:25 AM

I know I dont know you, but...
That is so healthy, that you can look at your thoughts and say that you are not ready, or that you have doubt, or are scared of change. I hate looking at posed photos of families, because most of the time all I see are plastic smiles. "Say Cheese!" They do make it look easy, that's why candid photos capture what facades cannot hide. ha!
I was forced into adulthood when I had my first daughter at 16 and I still ask myself on a daily basis if I am going to be a good mom. If I am going to be a good wife. Will I succeed in life, or will I just be another statistic of hurt? Good job for asking the questions. Even if you dont have the answers, you have those questions out in the void. Bravo!
Grace, Hope and Love to you!