John 14:27

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

I've been running from this for over 10 years. I'm tired. For whatever reason, I can't run this time. I've tried pushing it back as I've always done before but I can't. This last week has been bad for me, Thursday especially. I met up with RF again and had an anxiety attack when I got home. I'm not ready. I haven't come to terms with it. I can't trust anyone until I get some help.

I went and talked to C, the counselor for my students. I love that woman. She is like a mother to me. I have never met someone so amazing. She will do anything she can to help anyone, no matter what the cost. She is going to help me find someone that can help me move on.

There is a certain peace I have felt the past few days knowing that I'm ready to face this but it scares me a lot. I never made any progress in counseling before because I was never ready. I'm pretty sure I am now. I can't let this eat away at me forever. There is no shame in asking for help... and that was (still is) very hard for me to realize.

Sabotage

So yeah, it's been a while! It's been a busy few months!

I'm posting today because I need an outlet for my thoughts. I can't talk to anyone about these feelings.. although I'm considering going back into counseling. I just hope I can afford it with my medical insurance.

About 3 weeks ago, I started up a random My.Space conversation with someone from my HS. I didn't know them personally, but knew they went there. We chatted off and on for a week or so, which gradually moved to the phone and now in person. I go through the same motions. Excited for the first date, then most of the time I'm wishing the time away until I can go home and be in my comfort zone. Dating definitely makes me nervous. If only it were as easy as it seems for my friends, or on TV. The only time I remember not being nervous and enjoying my dates is with M.. but for whatever reason we stopped talking to each other and seeing each other. I tried striking it up again this summer, but the disinterest seems to be on his side, not mine. I was never panicky when I was with him... we went on 6 or 7 dates over the span of 3 months or so and I enjoyed them all.

The one before him, MiE and I went out twice. There was no spark there. I already felt trapped into conversations with him and once I told him I wasn't interested that panicky feeling immediately disappeared. I don't think that's how it's supposed to work.

Now, I've been out on one "date" with the new guy.. RF as I will refer to him, and one informal get-together. I just left the informal one, and feel panicked! He wanted me to ditch one of my Christmas parties so we could go out this weekend, but of course I'm like hell no (without actually saying that). So instead we are doing something Monday.... and he's calling me tonight. I realize this is just dating, but I'm feeling rushed and it's freaking me out again. I know I sabotage relationships with people (conciously and subconciously) when I start getting uncomfortable. It's the fact that I haven't dealt with my abuse properly and I have serious trust issues. I understand that. My hormones are compounding this issue as well. I'm at the peak of craziness, between being on my period, work being insanely stressful and this dating stuff, it's just wearing on me. I'm guessing I had a slight panic attack from thinking about too much stuff at once, all the stuff that could happen, that could go wrong, that might make me uncomfortable, etc and it just snowballed. But still, that shouldn't happen and probably doesn't happen to your normal Joe. I may just ask him if we can change our date to Thursday, not be so back to back with our outings.. just to give me some peace of mind. It may tip him off, but if I don't get the time I need to adjust to all of this, I'll end up running him off anyway.

I may need to be put on medication.. but I don't think my problems are physiological, they are psychological. I've e-mailed a friend who works as a sch.ool counselor and asked her if she could recommend someone. Hopefully she can help.. if not, she's one of the nicest people I've ever met and she would help me out as much as she could. If only she practiced, she's exactly the type of person I'd look for in a counselor! If anyone reads this, thanks for listening!

A test of faith

If anyone actually reads this, I hope that all my posts aren't cynical and depressing. This is my way to share my feelings without actually telling them. I'm sure you know how therapeutic that may be.

One more change to the bridal shower plans, but I feel much better about these. Going to go with P to finish registering for her goodies on Sunday. She told me today that the plan is for her and DB to move to Spain in 2009. She wasn't expecting something that soon, but apparently that's the plan as of now. I'm trying not to get too worked up about it because his plans have changed so much over the past year and over the course of the next 18-24 months they can change many more times, but the thought of my best friend, practically my sister, the closest friend I have ever had in the world, moving 5000 miles away about put me in tears on the phone. Once they leave, they won't be coming back. He hates it here... her life is here. The thought of not having her here, 20 minutes away or even 2 hours away is not something my brain can comprehend. We were supposed to be pregnant together, and our kids were supposed to be best friends, too.

Outside of family and my friends from work, she is the only one I do stuff with. All my friends from work are married and have kids, so when the weekend comes it's she and I that are hanging out, shopping, traveling, etc. What am I going to do when she's gone? I can hope I'm in a relationship then and can take comfort and solace in the fact that I will have someone there for me.. but a guy is just not the same type of friend that a girl can be. But who's to say I'll be in a relationship? I've never been in a serious relationship. Ever. My chance of being in a relationship then are about as good as they are now. My job takes priority because I have serious trust and committment issues. Guys are just lining up. *sigh* I wonder where I'll be in 2009.. my heart wants me to be in a happy place, but my brain seems to know better.

I think I need to start praying harder.. my strength is waning and I need a sign that my future is not doomed. Is my faith in myself being tested?

A marriage ready to begin...

So I'm MOH (m.aid of ho.nor) for my best friend, D. She's getting married in June. Woo! The log.isitics of a wed.ding freak me out. I am a chronic worrier, and something as finely detailed as brid.al show.ers, bache.lorette parties and wedd.ings stress me out. The brid.al shower is coming first... out of 8 bride.smaids, only 3 live in the general area to help out with the shower. Originally what was going to be a small shower, at her apartment for 20 or so people was turned into a party of 40 now needing a room, house or restaurant. Immediately I start stressing about how much it is going to cost to feed these people (selfish I know).. but we found a restaurant with a reasonable price given we'll be having almost 40 ppl there.

$400 minimum tab, $270 is already accounted for but everyone is on their own for drinks and other menu items (which will be added to the tab for the room). We'll end up paying the difference, which I hope is not much because we still have to pay for the cake, invitations, decorations AND gift. Now I make plenty of money, and it really is no skin off my back to provide this (split this cost) to celebrate my best friend. It's just that I'm afraid I'm going to take the brunt of it, even though her mom has offered to help pay. Bless her heart, I feel bad that she's taking some of this on too as well as pay for the wedding, but part of me feels better knowing that she'll be there to help. She knows we are all (mostly) 23 and 24 year olds, fresh out of college, most with small incomes.

Why does money bother me so much sometimes? I still have a student loan to pay off (GRR), but I am a good saver for the most part, I love to shop but I am responsible with my money. Sure I bought new furniture last weekend on a whim.. spending half of my paycheck the day that it cleared. That is so unlike me... I about threw up when I handed my credit card over. And I'm a little unnerved at the $2500 credit card bill I had waiting for me tonight. Maybe that's why I looked at a $7 candle today and said "Nope, you can't afford this."

What's really killing me is how much I've been eating out. Between my mom not wanting to go home after work (who wants to live with someone you just asked for a divorce?) we've been meeting up for dinner 2-3x a week, plus the fact that I have been bit by a major lazy bug and haven't cooked in a while. I've got to change that. I do have to look good in my bridesmaid dress in June and right now I feel like a cow. My wed.ding weight goal is going to be 160 lbs. That's like 10 lbs in 4 months. I can do that right? Sure can.. done it before and I'll do it again, but we'll save that story for another time...

A marriage ended....

Took me forever to find this blog. I made it quite a bit ago and my memory is not the best. It's been an interesting week. Work wasn't too bad, quite enjoyable compared to most weeks if you don't count the fire we had at work... for the 2nd time... in 3 weeks. Bad omen? Had training Thursday afternoon and I got like 4 calls in the short hour I was in the training. Called my mom back and we had the normal small talk to start off the conversation. "Are you sitting down?" comes next. Damn. That is never good. I was really afraid she was going to tell me her cancer was back. I said a silent prayer that it was not the case. Thankfully my prayers were answered! Instead, she tells me she's asking my stepdad, D, for a div.orce. Um.. what? My mom tells me EVERYTHING, but apparently she's been very unhappy for a while. I never really liked my stepdad all that much, but I sucked it up because I thought he made her happy. I guess at first he did, but the more I think back the more I can see the silent pain my mom was going through and I can't believe I didn't catch on sooner. My sister always said "She isn't really in love with him, she just doesn't want to be alone." to which I always told her she was crazy. Maybe I should listen to my sister more often...

Anyway, she tells me she's going to ask him for a divorce Friday after work, so she may need to come stay with me for a night or two. Technically the house they live in is my mom's. We moved there in 1994 and me, my mom and sister lived there for almost 10 years before he was in the picture... but when they married the house was put in both of their names. Damn. Anyway... we talk for almost 2 hours about how she originally asked him in October for a divo.rce, how negative and depressing he is, how she just can't do it anymore. I listen and console as best I can, but what the heck do I know about a div.orce? Sure I'm a child of divorce, but I have no words of wisdom to help her through this, other than to offer my home as hers until D can find a new place to live. Luckily with his job he can't afford the house payments, so it's highly doubtful he'll fight her for the house. But he was in charge of all the finances, so my mom has no idea how much money they have in savings, how much bills are, what she can afford, etc. It's a mess.

She left Friday night and called me on her way to my godmother's. Short term plan was to stay there for a few days, then possibly come stay with me. She was crying, telling me what was said, that she was OK and will call me tomorrow. I spent a good chunk of Saturday with her (after finishing working in the morning/afternoon), then I went back over to my godmother's again today. She is going to give D a month to get out of the house. That is too much time in my mind. It does not take that long to find an apartment, sign a lease and find someone to move out half of the belongings. My mom needs to start healing and I don't think she can do it while she's away from home, living from a suitcase, away from her bed, her dogs, her home.

I was the first to know of her plan, my godmother found out next, and now today she called my grandmother. No one has been surprised. How have I been this distant from her feelings? I guess I just didn't want to think that she was unhappy. My stepbrother and his wife now know too. My nephew's birthday party was Saturday and when neither of them showed up, you can imagine that they called wanting to know what is up. I bet that was an interesting conversation. I've become really close to his oldest son and his family and hope I can keep in touch with them. My mom wants that too... so bad. She has been Grandma since H and C were newborns and A was 6 years old. We were all supposed to go to the state fair next Saturday and then had tickets to go see the Lio.n Kin.g. I don't think I'm going to go now, seeing as this has all come to pass so quickly. I'm going to call his wife mid-week and let them know and hopefully pass along some information.

My week is going to be long and stressful. God... shoot me. Can you tell I'm maxed out on hormones? The "red w.itch" should be arriving soon... being a woman sucks sometimes.

The beginning of the madness...

Welcome to my blog!

Now I'm the first to admit... I can be melodramatic. Everyone can, and if you don't think it's true then you are lying to yourself. I am not often melodramatic or obsessive when it comes to things, but there are a few topics in my life where it brings out the very worst in me. My sister is Number 1 on my list. Nothing ticks me off more than the things she does and says about me, herself, her boyfriend, her friends and our family. I've gotten to the point where I can't even be in the same room with her anymore and thankfully the opportunity doesn't present itself very often. Number 2 on my list is discussing the current state of our nation. I despise George Bush as a president and I think he's done irreversible damage to our economy, country and general well-being. I live in the Deep South, and with that comes a long line of ultra-conservative family members just yearning for a Dem.ocrat to squash with their long-winded speeches on the downfalls of welfare and immigration..

Now any and all following things on the list drop off with dramatic grandeur... things like slow drivers in the fast lane, people that (loudly) blather on their cell phones in public, my favorite show being pre-empted due to 4 hour weather updates... seriously, do we need to hear about the 48 different ways the hail hit the pavement today? Small and subtle annoyances of daily life rarely get me fired up. Unless I'm PMSing.. then your chances are higher.

Today, my mental panties got in a bunch because of a message posted from my sisters live in boyfriend. I carelessly log onto My.Space (a guilty pleasure of mine) and check my bulletins, comments, friend requests, etc. and notice one from him. Now I don't see this kid very often, but any time I do we get along fine and have never had any problems, confrontations or arguments to invoke any sort of negative reaction. I have never been anything but nice to him. So he finds it necessary to post something about him wanting to buy a new phone, but that he is afraid to for fear of it being "copied" by others... then goes on to blame me (and a few other people) for copying his dear sweet one on the type of phone she has.

Next he refers to the fact that I had to go out and copy her after she got her new car. Now her being #1 on "the list" lights a fire under me fast. My sister does not work, my sister barely goes to school, my sister is not a functional member of society. She is a leech that gets whatever she wants from my dad because he doesn't want to have to deal with her drama (and believe me, she is chock full). Her new car was given to her scott free (after she got kicked out of the house at 17 and lost her other one) to allow her an easier commute to and from school, which she has now dropped out because there is no parking on campus... we'll save that for another day. So the fact that I had been test driving cars and saving for months has no credence on his argument about me running out and getting a new car the SECOND I heard she got hers! Have I no shame?!

Anyway.. back to the message. He calls me an idolizing copycat basically stating that I can't let her have anything, that I always have to do what she is doing. It really wouldn't be that big of a deal to a regular person off the street, but to me I just can't let it go. Why is stating these things about me when I have done nothing to incite it? It obviously bothered her enough that she said something to him about it (which gives me a cheap thrill to think that something I did bothered her.. wrong, but I really don't care) and he being the coward that he is thought it a good idea to post it on My.Space for everyone to see. So, fired up with the normal reaction the topic of my sister gets, I weigh my possible options. Do I respond back telling him to fuck off and mind his own business? Do I coyly correct his incorrect assumptions? Or do I leave it alone and not say anything?

I really wanted to do Option #1, Option #3 would have been the right decision, but I went for Option #2. Pointing out the fact that I bought my car BEFORE (actually it was the same day) she was GIVEN hers. Nothing more, nothing less. So I go about my day, being completely distracted about the morning events. Did he read it yet? Is he going to respond? Oh man, I should have said this instead! What am I going to say next?

My Saturday that I was so excited about quickly turned into a bust. I was distracted and in a bad mood. I tried so hard to enjoy the day and events but it was extremely difficult, which pissed me off even more. I apologized for possibly ruining the outing, but was assured that it was all in my head. So I rush home to see if there is a response waiting for me. I made a deal with myself if there was something there I was just going to delete it and not get caught up in their games. Thankfully there was nothing there, my message hadn't even been read yet. DAMN MySpace for not having the "UnSend" option. Not wanting any future confrontation, I deleted him from my friends and blocked him from contacting me in any way.

I guarantee you I will be getting some sort of reaction from my sister, however. She is still a "friend" and has full access to communication. My guess will be that she will make a blog about the travesties I have put upon her in her life, cell phone and car included. Wonder who's more melodramatic?