Gratitude

Last night's group worship was focused on gratitude. It was broken down into 4 parts and discussed in the context of scripture, as well as the personal experience of one of our co-leaders. Each part gave us the opportunity to think about how to express gratitude for things God has given us, how He has put individuals in our life to help us through our lives and recoveries, how He has allowed us to recognize our own growth, and how to express gratitude for our church.

This worship and support group is really good for me because it allows me to see how God is part of my recovery and journey to a better me. During those few hours every Thursday, it is so clear to me. I have a lot of things to be grateful for, and a lot of them I can see God's hand in. But I have to sit down and think hard. I do not take the time to acknowledge the gifts life has given me, but rather I focus most of the time on the little things I cannot change and forget the amazing things I have in my life. When I let go of those things I want to change, I feel out of control. Instead of focusing on the positive, I am holding onto the negative.

Today I had a very stressful day. I was running circles in my head of what I could have done differently, how I can handle what comes after, and everything I needed to do before heading out for the weekend. No gratitude in my mind. I finally left and stopped to check my mail, which I hadn't done in almost 2 weeks and my little box was FULL of stuff. After sifting through all of it I was left with my water bill, a shoe store coupon and an envelope from my doctor's office. Ugh. I really thought I was done paying all my medical bills! I ripped it open wondering how much I was going to owe this time, but to my shock it was a check! $50 back in my pocket! Sometimes gratitude comes in different forms, but I chuckled and thought to myself, "Nice one, God. The $10 off coupon I got for the shoe store would have been enough, but you really made your point with the check!" Suddenly, the weather seemed nicer, the day a little easier.

I'm grateful I had my eyes and my heart open to God today.

Emotional

It's been an up and down week, like every week is when I'm on my period. I was hoping the Lex.apro was going to help with the mood swings but so far it hasn't. It's been almost 3 weeks so I'm thinking that it just hasn't been long enough. I have noticed a decrease in my anxiety, which has been nice. I had a panic attack Tuesday night, but that was because of the weather. I was at home putting grades in my online gradebook watching the Westminster Dog Show when the tornado sirens went off. I knew it was raining and windy but I had no clue the weather was that bad. So I scrambled to find my flashlight, grabbed my cat and a bunch of pillows and we spent the next 15 minutes in the bathtub until the sirens went off. Normally this type of weather doesn't start until April!

My session on Tuesday was good. I wanted to talk to her about what happened with the psychiatrist but it was harder for me to do so than I thought it would be. I shared something I wrote about how I feel that my abuse always gets minimized (even by me) and that I feel the complete opposite but act like it's no big deal. We ended up taking most of the time talking about things that related to that as opposed to my homework and other things she may have had in mind. Somewhere towards the end she told me that as much as I don't want to do it, I need to tell her what happened. I've never even told my mom specifics, nor anyone else so the prospect of that sent me straight into tears... and I make it a point never to cry in sessions. She made sure that I understood that I was under no time frame and she was not pressuring me to do anything before I am ready, but that she feels that it is going to be a crucial step in undoing the damage that was done by not being allowed to talk about it.

I am so torn over how I feel about this, aside from petrified. I'm afraid that once I tell her what happened it'll be like, "OK it's out in the open. You don't have it inside of you anymore. Get over it." As stupid as it sounds, I'm afraid to start getting better. I'm afraid to not have this as an excuse for why I'm not in a relationship, or why I have problems with my family. Starting to work through this is the beginning of the end to that and that is scary for me.

Thankfully I have 2 sessions next week, one on Tuesday evening and one Thursday mid-afternoon, which means I'll be taking another half-day off of work. I feel so much better when I see her 2x a week, so I am glad I was able to schedule this. My next bi-weekly will be during my week off and that will probably be the last one until this summer. Ugh, June is so far away.

Busted

So I'm right smack dab in the middle of my "good days", generally 2 weeks before I start my period up until about 2 days before. My hormones are normal, I generally have little to no anxiety (or panic attacks), no mood swings and definitely no suicidal thoughts. I cherish these days. That being said, it's harder for me to think about what I want to change in my life and be more aware of the things that are being discussed in therapy. My focus is all on the fact that I'm happy and can function rather than trying to reprogram my brain to react to certain situations in new ways or to approach the way I treat myself differently... basically trying to undo bad/unsafe habits that I picked up in childhood as ways to cope. So because of that "auto-pilot" type of mentality, I haven't been keeping up with the homework I had for this last week. Did I have some of those bad thoughts and feelings? I'm sure. Can I remember them now? No.

Crap. I'm going to be so busted tomorrow.

If I even make it til tomorrow. I started feeling crappy yesterday, slept most of the day and still feel bad today. I'm hoping by skipping the gym today and going to bed early I can nip this in the bud!