Am I doomed?

I'm so wound up right now I couldn't possibly sleep even though I am exhausted. I didn't get home til 8 tonight.

I started trying on clothes tonight to figure out what to wear tomorrow. I had to dress to the nines today since it was a special day, so I wanted to be business "comfy" tomorrow. I pulled out a pair of pants I hadn't worn in a while. They fit, but there isn't a shirt big enough to cover my muffin top. Ugh. Switch pants, they fit too a little looser than I remember but still tight at the waist and plop, muffin top. So I hopped on the scale w/ the clothes. Bad choice. On the scale without the clothes, better but still awful.

Back story: Up until 2005 (call it Dec 04) I was morbidly obese... easily 100 lbs overweight. While finishing my last 18 months in college I dropped 83 lbs. Then pre-graduation celebrations hit and I gained some weight, but was back down to 167 when I started work. Over the past 3 years workingl, I have put on 13 lbs... most of which has been in the past year during my intense struggles with dealing with my abuse and emotional issues I never really knew I had.

So FF to tonight and it was just too much. I haven't had a panic attack in a while, so this definitely caught me off guard. I feel like I've lost control. I have been eating out with little regard to whether or not it's the best thing for me. It's definitely the easiest. I have been relying on pre-packaged processed food for convenience. I don't remember the last time I cooked something that required a little elbow grease. I used to cook all the time. Before it was the food that I almost always had in check and the exercise I struggled with and now I feel as if I've completely lost my ability to make good choices, to stop eating when I'm not hungry or even to recognize the fact that I'm putting stuff in my mouth without even realizing it. I have come home every day for the past 2 weeks and just stuffed my face without even remembering what I ate. That really scares me because the feeling that comes with that is somehow I will never be able to go back to how I was before. I had will power. I had awareness. I had desire.

I don't know how to get that back, and I do not want to continue on this path I am on. I am so afraid to get fat again.

2 comments:

Harriet said...
March 11, 2009 at 7:07 AM

You're not doomed, you just need to get back on track. Take it one step at a time. When I first started losing weight I just focused on portion control. I ate whatever I wanted, I just ate half of it. This is a good method if you are eating out a lot. Also keeping a food diary helps, especially if you're forgetting what you're eating.

november blue said...
March 16, 2009 at 2:16 AM

I highly recommend Geneen Roth's books (I sort of cheat and download them as audiobooks from iTunes so I can listen while I walk the dog or do housework). She really talks about how emotions can affect eating and, at least for me, it really rings true. I empathize with your post - knowing what you need to do to eat healthy but somehow mindlessly eating everything in sight. I also feel that this is worse when I'm doing really good work in therapy exploring feelings - it's a numbing/vegging out technique for me to avoid those feelings.
i also never feel like cooking after a long day of dealing with kids and getting home late. Lately I've done better by cooking a big pot 'o something on sunday nights and then just reheating throughout the week. been using cookbooks as my repetoire of homecooked meals is minimal.
hang in there!
-nb