Emotional Work

So as part of my homework (and work in what I am lovingly calling "Phase 2"), I am to make a list of things that are hard for me to read or are things that I feel/think about myself in the book she (my therapist, A) recommended for me, called On Th.e Thres.hold of Ho.pe. I sat down with it for a long time last night, and am planning to do the same in a few minutes because I won't have the opportunity again until Monday night, and I hate putting things off until the last minute.

Reading this book has been hard. It makes me feel that weight in my body that I can't stand. It's going to be hard work going through all of this. This is my list so far, and I still have over 100 pages to go.

p. 40, para. 2: I didn't want to go back once the counselor knew. I didn't want to see that look in her eyes. I imagined she was repulsed by the sight of what was in front of her.

p. 56, para. 3: My efforts to hide the truth from others succeeded. People saw me as a quiet girl, a nice girl. A girl who blended in with the scenery.

p. 72, para. 1: Don't speak, don't feel. They have been taught to blame themselves. Self-hatred comes easy. These children have learned how to numb their feelings and continue on as if nothing horrible has happened.

p. 86, para. 3: To live in a body that reminds you of memories that you would just as soon forget is to feel horribly trapped.

p. 93, para. 1: Your energy is consumed by watching your weight and controlling your appearance. You believe that if your only value is in your physical body, then it better be good. If it is not, then you are worthless.

p. 102, para. 3: I should have stopped it. I should have run away.

p. 114, para. 3: You can dissociate from the feelings in your body, from your emotions or from the reality that is happening.

p. 117, para. 1: Some believe that facing the truth about your life would hurt and destroy you rather than set you free. Some believe that love is possible only if you do everything right. Some believe that if people learned about who you really are, they would walk away in disgust.

p. 124, para. 1: The result was to ignore the warning signs because she could do nothing about them anyway.

p. 127, para 2: Many survivors believe they have to answer any question anyone asks them. The concept of saying "I would rather not answer that" does not feel like an option.

2 comments:

imaginenamaste said...
March 20, 2009 at 10:59 PM

I think your comment on page 117 is something that is so hard to get through. It looks like you are doing amazing on your assignment--i had to do something similar with a book that sounds very similar. It was so hard and emotionally exhausting, but empowering all the same.

Have a wonderful weekend :-)

Lisa said...
April 27, 2009 at 6:24 PM
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