Did that just happen?

I am on emotional shut down after what happened today.

My mom called me out on the fact that I have been distant and pushing her away. What I thought I was hiding so well was apparently very clear to her. She was confused as to what she did to make me be so distant and angry and asked that we talked about it instead of continuing on the path we were on. It just so happens today was her birthday. Geez, pretty sure I completely ruined her day.

I have been toying with telling her what has been bothering me for the last month or so, but didn't really think I was strong enough yet. Then I got this e-mail from her and sat in my car (got it via my Black.ber.ry) thinking of all the ways I could respond. I typed a few beginning snippits, basically avoiding the issue then realized that this was my opportunity to do what needed to be done to help me. For once in my life, I thought about me. I drove to the house, sat down with her face to face and told her everything that was going on with me and how it includes her. It was brutally honest and to the point. I didn't sugar coat anything. I told her about my struggles in dealing with the abuse itself and how her inactions are a big reason why I have been pushing her away. I went into vivid detail of everything I am having problems with and am currently working on and the fact that I have been pushing myself away because I need the space in order to deal with it. It's too hard for me to be around acting as though everything is OK. I told her I don't want to try to do that and resent the fact that I had to do that.

My sister was there when I got there and listened to all of this, which was in the end a very good thing. I have NEVER talked about the abuse with my mom and sister. I took the opportunity to ask her things that I never have been able to before, like "How does it affect you now?" "Aren't you mad, too?" etc. She is still in extreme denial. Her coping mechanisms are completely different than mine, so she probably didn't understand why I was going off on my mom for things that she doesn't feel are a big deal. I think now that my sister understands what I am working through (even though she may not completely understand the feelings behind it) she will hopefully be able to logically see my position. The last thing I want to do is alienate her because of the distance I am putting between me and our mom. I've already ruined my relationship with her once because of the actions of my mom, and I'll be damned if I am going to let that happen again.

My mom at one point apologized to me, and I know she meant it. But at the same time (and I told her this), I am not at a point where I can accept her apology. Right now, it is just words to me. In the end, she asked about how/when she could contact me and I told her she should feel free to call/e-mail me whenever she wants, but that I probably will not be the one to initiate it for a while. I told her I need the distance in order to figure out what I need as an adult to help heal the 13 year old that is still inside of me hurting and that there is nothing she can do now to help me figure that out. It's on me to do that. She's just going to have to give me the time and space I need.

Normally this type of thing would send me directly into a panic attack. Confrontation like this is not my m.o. I do not talk this bluntly or directly about anything... in fact I can't think of a SINGLE time in my life that I have done something like this. It feels weird to look back on today and not feel completely guilty or panicked for what I did/said. It's so strange. I know I hurt my mom, and I am sad that that had to happen but I am not upset that I told her the truth. That is such a change for me. I almost can't believe I feel this way.