A Big Step

I am definitely getting an A on my homework this week. I was supposed to take risks this week, and there's no denying I did that.

About 5 months ago, the prospect of C.R. was brought up to me in session to which I immediately freaked out and shot down. Time passed, changes were made and it was reintroduced. I was still extremely hesitant but my "Hell No-o-meter" was not buzzing at full blast anymore. I mulled over it and had all but decided to at least try it, and give myself the option to do nothing after that if I didn't feel comfortable.

I went tonight.

I got there about 10 minutes before, sat in the parking lot and scoped out the people walking in. Most of them were male which made me extremely uneasy. I had all but decided to leave, drove to the exit then decided that I was being a baby. I cranked it in reverse, parked and walked in. The large group setting was in the church. There were a few worship songs, then a "lesson" followed by celebrations. A couple of the female leaders (M and C) introduced themselves to me (I guess they knew I was new) and asked if I was going to stay for orientation while the others split up into small groups. In order to get an idea of what everything entailed, I agreed. I was the only newbie this time, so M took me to a separate room and we talked. We talked about what brought her there, why I was there and what C.R. entailed. It is a Christian based program which would probably be good for me if I had my "spiritual ducks" in a row, but I am in such a bad place right now. Everything is based on your solid belief that God is there for you and loves you and I can honestly say I don't feel that way now. I was honest with her in the fact that I was having a lot of spiritual struggles that I was also working on in therapy and I wasn't sure if I could do what was "required" in order to be successful in this group. In addition to that, she said that everyone is expected to share after their first visit, to which I immediately raised red flags to. A always told me that if I went, speaking was only expected when you were ready. I am ready to listen and take in others' experiences, but I still don't feel ready to talk about my own.

I was feeling extremely overwhelmed with the information I was given, but yet so at peace talking to her. Part of me was screaming to leave and the other part knew that if I just had the strength to, I could trust her. Before we walked out of that room, she asked me if there was anything she could pray about for me. I told her about the situation with my mom and our talk, and then she took my hand and prayed for me.

I am afraid to go back. I just don't know if I am ready for this.