Crying

Gosh I hate crying, and I have been doing nothing but that since I left my session this evening. Crying makes me feel awful. Like something toxic is being pumped through my system and the off switch is broken. Crying is only nice if it is something you want to do... something you need to do. I was not expecting this and now I fear it's too late to turn around.

Whenever I am directly asked anything related to God or church in my sessions, something inside of me immediately reacts and I have to hold back the tears. It is an instant reaction. Something I have noticed, but not drawn attention to until tonight. In my homework, I mentioned something in one of my goals about not being afraid to go to church. To dig a little deeper we discussed how the social expectations of church scares me (i.e. the control is in the hands of a large group, rather than me) and then started discussing what emotions I have that cause me the instantaneous reaction of crying. I hesitated to even start down this road because one, I really can't pinpoint a specific reason and two, I'm worried that whatever that reason is, that it's going to be stupid/anti-climactic/etc. I told her it wasn't anxiety or really fear, but sad and upset. "Why are you upset?", she asked. I don't even remember exactly what I said, but I immediatley started crying and it didn't take long for me to feel myself losing control and put the brakes on. I totally railroaded our path in session, and asked to talk about anything else. Having nothing in mind, we cut it short. I hate it when I do this. I retreat at the slightest hint of feeling because it wasn't something I had the time to plan for. I really wish I could take a second and think calmly about things instead of jumping directly to a closed door. Add another goal to the list...

3 comments:

therapydoc said...
June 10, 2009 at 5:49 AM

We have an expression in my world, Don't take away the umbrella until it stops raining. Meaning, what's the rush to deal with whatever this is?

Harriet said...
June 10, 2009 at 6:14 AM

Sometimes its better to deal with things in little bits, than the whole thing at once. This seems like one of those topics.

I hate crying too, but I seem to do it all the time. Never in therapy though.

Just Be Real said...
June 25, 2009 at 5:59 AM

Awww LisaMarie, I struggle with crying but am touched to see it comes so freely to you. Each day for me it gets a little better and I experience waves of tears.

Blessings dear one.