One Small Step

Today was my last day of work. Big party to celebrate!

Now normally large social gatherings that involve alcohol make me very nervous. I don't drink, so being around a large group that is, eventually gets very loud and raucous. So normally if I go to these events, I often come up with an excuse to leave long before I ever arrive. I need an out if I feel things are getting out of control (my version of it at least, by no means all that bad to most people). I left work not long after the last bell, feeling anxious because of the prospect of having an empty 11 weeks ahead of me and always feeling obligated to fill it with things I don't want to do because I really don't have an excuse not to. Then feeling as if I was entering into a situation where I normally feel completely out of control almost sent me into a panic attack. I could feel it coming on, but the tools I have now are so much more adept at staving off those attacks. I was able to talk myself down and have a little pep talk with myself.

I arrived with about 10 staff members already there, which was comforting to me not having to wait around for conversation. We quickly had to move into the back room at the pub, as we exceeded 20+. I started off a little withdrawn, chiming into conversations as I had something to add but mostly felt a little out of place because I wasn't drinking or eating. I decided to get up to chat with my old team members who I never see because I moved departments. Ahh, back in my comfort zone. Once I got up and moving around I actually was able to enjoy myself. 2 hours passed without me even checking my watch! A lot of people had already left, but we got everyone else together for a picture (always fun when you have that many people) and I love that I have a "last memory" of my friends that are leaving. I left not long after, not feeling guilty that I left before other people, but that I stayed and enjoyed the time there. I am really learning that it is not worth worrying about what other's think about me, but listening to myself and being OK with the decisions I make.

One small step at a time.