Feeling Like Myself

I'm finally starting to feel like myself again.

Two weeks ago I had the carpet pulled out from underneath me and had a horrible recurrence of the PTSD and depression. I have never felt as inclined to hurt myself as I did a couple of weeks ago. I ended up going to my doctor and telling her what was going on (she had no clue that I was even abused, let alone suffering from panic attacks, nightmares, etc). I've been on medication now to help lessen the PTSD symptoms for about 10 days. Too early to really do anything, but we'll see. It didn't help that last week I was confronted by A about my cutting. Given that I was exhibiting signs of being suicidal, she took the fact that I cut that weekend as an escalation because I didn't attempt to try any other methods or reach out for help. It was a misunderstanding. I don't view my actions at all as an escalation, but rather me being lazy and wanting to feel better using the only quick way I had at my disposal.

We discussed this in depth on Tuesday. I told her how hurt and angry I was that she gave me this ultimatum, especially given my state of mind at the time. I told her how it made me want to hold back on things that I'd be afraid she would use against me, even if it was in the best interest of my health. Now that I've had some time and distance from it, I understand why she had to do what she did, but I am still upset. I'm worried about the "finality" of the situation. The fact that I have to be perfect and can't ever slip up. If I were to ever tell her that I cut again, she'd refer me to in-patient counseling; which I will not do. I flat out told her that. It took me a long time to trust her enough to be as open as I am. There is no way I could do that with a complete stranger or a room full of complete strangers. It just wouldn't work. I'd shut down. She made sure to tell me that even if I do end up doing in-patient for a couple of weeks, that it didn't mean I couldn't come back and continue to see her, but the problem with that is that I won't ever do it. I can't see her letting me "come back" if I don't comply with her referral. So I feel this pressure to be perfect. It's going to be hard for me to delve into the depths of the reasons why I cut without triggering my need to actually do it. I have a feeling it's a thin line. Thankfully I have summer break ahead of me to minimize my stress levels and hopefully help me tackle this head on.

9 comments:

Catherine said...
May 27, 2010 at 5:57 PM

Dear one, I'm glad you are feeling a little better and i hope you can find the right balance with your therapist. Keep us posted.

Love, Catherine

sarah said...
May 28, 2010 at 6:34 AM

stay strong Lily..I too am glad you're feeling better. I hope the same as what Catherine said about the balance with your therapist. You deserve the best...and that means to feel safe to share your heart.

Marj aka Thriver said...
May 28, 2010 at 10:32 AM

Hey, Sweetie. I just went back and read a bunch of your older posts after you came over to my blog yesterday. I had read posts here and there (haven't exactly kept up in blogland lately) but hadn't read a bunch back-to-back. Man, you have really been through a lot in the past couple of months!

Maybe this isn't fair for me to say, but from what I'm hearing you say here on your blog, I sure wish your T was a little bit more supportive. My T isn't exactly warm and fuzzy and could work on her caring a bit more, but she really understands trauma survivors and she never gives me ultimatums. Of course, I don't cut, I only scratch and hit myself in the head with my hand. But, it's still self-injury and I don't think it should make any difference in a T's response.

My T calls me on things when I'm in denial, minimizing, intellectualizing, etc. But, she never treats me like a child who needs to be "punished" or "corrected," etc. What child abuse survivor could handle a T like that, right? She seems to know how hard it really is, but it always comes through just how confident she is in my ability to heal. That goes a long way.

I wish this for you. You have a lot to deal with and I just think you deserve the best support you can possibly have.

I'm in your corner. You deserve to heal and I know that you can! ((((((((((((((Lily))))))))))))

HeartfeltHeartLook said...
May 28, 2010 at 10:34 AM

Praying for you...hugs!

Colleen said...
May 28, 2010 at 7:27 PM

I am glad you are feeling better. I am sorry for all you are going through. I feel the same way as Marj - she put it so well! Hugs.

imaginenamaste said...
May 29, 2010 at 12:35 AM

I'm glad you are starting to find yourself, even if in very small pieces right now. HUGE HUGS :)

Paula said...
May 29, 2010 at 2:00 AM

Lily, I am glad you are feeling a bit better. Have a calm and serene weekend

Just Be Real said...
May 30, 2010 at 4:29 PM

Lily, glad that you are feeling better. ((((Lily))))

Harriet said...
May 30, 2010 at 6:39 PM

I would hate ultimatums. Thankfully my t doesn't do them, not yet anyway. How can a person be honest with their t if they know that there will be consequences? I don't understand. I'm sorry you are dealing with this Lily.