I AM PISSED

I don't even know how to express the unbridled anger I feel right now.

I am so upset I'm not even sure how to react.

I was broadsided today with a consequence of breaking part of the contract A put together for me to stay safe over the weekend. I cut, which I told her I didn't think I was strong enough to keep from doing, but I signed the contract anyway.

Basically, if I cut myself again, I'm going to have to pursue alternative/more intensive avenues of therapy since she's obviously not meeting my needs enough with us meeting once a week and with the work we have been doing. Translation, if you cut yourself again, you are also cutting our relationship.

I don't even have words to describe what I am feeling right now. I never realized I could be so angry with her.

17 comments:

Grace said...
May 18, 2010 at 9:09 PM

Lily, I don't know what to say...I'm so sorry...what did she say is 'alternative/intensive' Therapy?

Lily said...
May 18, 2010 at 9:11 PM

Something she can't offer me. She only works 2 days a week, only one with times that I can make during the school year. I'd have to start over with someone new who had the opportunity to meet with me every day of the week, if possible.

This is unbelievable to me...

Bernie said...
May 18, 2010 at 9:40 PM

I don't like how you have been put in an either/or situation. Cutting is not good and can be dangerous but I would of thought A would of handled this more professionally.....there has to be a better way than saying "its my way or the highway"
Am keeping you in my heart and prayers......:-) Hugs

imaginenamaste said...
May 19, 2010 at 12:38 AM

That is never a good situation....did you ask her what she meant by that? Don't take your anger out on that situation with her on yourself. It only hurts you, right? I would hope she follow-up with you to explain herself more, especially since she knows you.
Thinking about you....

Being Me said...
May 19, 2010 at 2:54 AM

It doesn't sound ethical the position that A has placed you, On the other hand A should help you to ease what you have to do and not add to your distress.

Address your anger, talk it through if that is possible.

Praying for your peace.

Just Be Real said...
May 19, 2010 at 4:42 AM

(((((Lily)))))
Dear one I don't know what to say. I see your frustration. Praying for a solution and for your heart to be comforted.

Harriet said...
May 19, 2010 at 8:50 PM

I don't understand this. How are you supposed to get help if she won't help you if you cut? Isn't that why you are in therapy? I think contracts are ridiculous, they are only for the benefit of the t, not the client. I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

Colleen said...
May 19, 2010 at 10:19 PM

I do not know what to say either. I can understand why you feel angry. Hugs.

Paula said...
May 20, 2010 at 3:31 AM

Dear One, I am so sorry for this pain.
Have you known before she cant offer you more time? Are you aware that you actually need more time=? Ok, by traumatised people Iam in favor of as many hours possible for a certain amount of time in combination with groupsessions, art therapy and relaxation according to your body / personality type. But that are only my 2 cents.
Anyway if you KNOW that you would need more time yet settledd with her and therefore for less - it isnt entirely the therapists fault. Siging a contract "anyway"
isnt self care.
Sorry when I sound like I dont understand, and maybe I dont. I do understand Pain whoever it caused it. And sometimes I had to admit I had quite a share myself in the pain suffered, in my frustration and anger.

Lily said...
May 20, 2010 at 7:25 AM

That's the thing though. I don't think I need what she is suggesting. It's not me being naive. When I first started going to her, I knew her schedule and knew that I'd only be able to see her once (maybe on occasion twice if I took the afternoon off) a week. During the summers I see her 2x a week since I am off. I have seen such an improvement in myself since I started going. This was just a setback.

Thank you for all your input. Like I said, I'm thinking a lot about this and it's good to see how other people perceive the situation.

imaginenamaste said...
May 21, 2010 at 10:22 PM

just wanted to tell you that i was thinking about you :)

Just Be Real said...
May 23, 2010 at 6:40 AM

((((Lily))))
Lily here listening, I sense deeply you are struggling.....

Just Be Real said...
May 24, 2010 at 6:50 PM

((((Lily))))
Thinking about you.....

Just Be Real said...
May 25, 2010 at 7:47 AM

Dear one understanding your frustrations.....

Grace said...
May 25, 2010 at 3:47 PM

hi there- I'm thinking of you today as I believe you had a t appt.
g

sarah said...
May 26, 2010 at 8:06 PM

HI Lily...I thought I had left you a message..this really makes me angry too. Your anger is totally justified and she doesn't get the real issues. Even saying that I know it's still really hard...and scary to start with someone new. Stay strong ok.

Erin Merryn said...
May 27, 2010 at 4:24 PM

Don't let evil win. I remember having that light bulb moment when I used to cut for years and then realizing I am allow the people to hurt me continue to hurt me by hurting myself. Rise above it, becoming the bigger person and start living for today and not the person you were when you were hurt.