Needing to Believe

A homework assignment I was given by A on that horrible emergency session I had a couple of weeks ago was given back to me with a new extension. It's been in the back of my mind since Tuesday, but came racing up to the forefront today when I was driving home from one of countless errands I ran today.

The original assignment was to fill in the blanks from a popular 80's song, "When I'm Back on My Feet Again" by Michael Bolton. I've heard it many times before, in fact I think I even have it on my iPod, but never really listened to the lyrics. Given the dark place I was in a couple of weeks ago, A thought it only fitting to give me this assignment. I spent a lot of time on it, trying to figure out what I needed to get out on paper.

My title reads: "When I'm Able to Believe Again." 8 times I pose that hope.

My chorus:
When I'm able to believe again,
I'll walk determined down this path again
And you'll look at a smile again
And you'll see that I'm free.

Gonna hear the voice of reason,
Gonna hear the words of God
Won't be loud, won't be loud,
'Til I open my heart to Him.

When I'm able to believe again
Gonna feel this shame diminish,
Gonna pray for God's grace to fall on me,
One sweet day, one sweet day
I will deserve it,
When I'm able to believe again.

So A poses the somewhat obvious question for me to work on this week. What do I want to/need to believe? It was as if God delivered this answer to me as I was driving, because out of nowhere I stopped singing to the radio and it was just there.

I need to believe that someone can love me, as damaged as I am. Somewhere in the back of my mind I've decided that I am not worthy of anyone's love because of how I feel inside. I know my family loves me, but they "have" to. Part of me has even convinced myself that they loved the pre-abused, pre-messed up me and are obligated to keep doing the same.

But deep down I know that I won't let anyone love me until I can figure out how to love myself. Somehow that seems like the much harder thing to do.

9 comments:

imaginenamaste said...
May 29, 2010 at 11:35 PM

Someone can love you. It is so hard to know, but we both know this deep deep deep deep inside. These people (new and old) will love you and continue to love you regardless of any "damage."

Paula said...
May 30, 2010 at 2:01 AM

I love my family of choice, yet I do not love my family of origin. Yepp parents were abusive, yet Iam not talking about them. I am not close to my siblings at all, and attempts to do so failed. My family of choice, which is still very very small as I am struggling in the same place as you do - this family I love and they love me! Exactly as Iam and I feel their love more since I started to like and love myself. I do not believe at all that your family has to love you. Well, that was at least what I tried to tell you with the words above! I thought loving myself is impossible. Arent I hateful, damaged, worthless. And I am passionate, intelligent, funny, loyal, hardworking, giving, thoughtful, dedicated, energetic as well. Loving the latter helps me to deal with the other part inside me.
Well, that was my way to learn to love myself. Yet between the brain getting it and the heart feeling it were months. Yet it was a start. Keep you in my thoughts

sarah said...
May 30, 2010 at 7:47 AM

the thing that hit me when I read this....self-love do you love yourself? I couldn't feel anyone else's love for me until I started to love and accept me....a real struggle b/c I hated me...praying for you.....stay strong ok

Grace said...
May 30, 2010 at 11:21 AM

I forgot all about that Michael Bolten song...thank you for the reminder.
You have been doing a lot of hard work lately and I have confidence in you that you will someday realize that you are not damaged...you are beautiful and worthy of everything.
Thinking of you, Grace

Being Me said...
June 2, 2010 at 8:13 PM

This a lovely prayer, praying for your confidence and strength.

I have something for you on my site. Please drop by.

God Bless

imaginenamaste said...
June 5, 2010 at 1:35 AM

thinking about you, lovely lily!

Just Be Real said...
June 5, 2010 at 10:15 AM

Lily you are in my thoughts and prayers dear one. ((((Lily))))

Colleen said...
June 6, 2010 at 3:29 PM

Yes, it is hard to learn to love ourselves. I am still struggling with that. Hugs.