Dirty Thoughts

Last night was awful. I think I cried the whole time. Then I went home and cried myself to sleep.

I was having trouble verbalizing what was making me so upset, which then made me even more upset. I ventured off into an area (my weight) that I don't often talk about and turned that into a huge deal when it really wasn't what I was trying to convey. Is it a problem for me? Yes. Do I need to work through the issues I still have with food and my body image? Yes. But was it what was setting me off? No.

It then ventured into self-worth, rather than self-perception. We were getting a little closer there. I have been having a very hard time lately being kind to myself. Whether physically or emotionally. I just feel like I am such a failure for not being 20 lbs lighter or for being so fearful of relationships. I am alone = LOSER. It's very hard to think so negatively of yourself and expect others to view you in a positive light. More belittling. If you thought more of yourself, people would like you. If you weren't such a loser, you'd have a boyfriend. If you weren't so afraid of everything, you'd be able to have the life you want. Ugh.

There is a lot of work that needs to go into the lies I am feeding myself on a daily basis. My desire to change is there, but these dirty thoughts are holding me back. These dirty thoughts are polluting my spirit and convincing me I am worthless. It's going to be a rough few weeks, I feel.


Paula said...
May 6, 2010 at 2:27 AM

Dear Lily, I can relate. I used to have such thoughts all day long for nearly 15 years! Well, I did got better with time and by now only sometimes such thoughts are returning. To let go of the "if's" and "when's" was hard work. But all those if's and when's maybe never happen yet life needs to be lived on life terms. I had such a strong dislike for my t. on that day and even worse I felt even more as a loser. The qualities you have are strong and useable. Because the same qualities you use to get you down are the one which help you up. Fact is you are neither a loser nor a superwoman. It is the balance between. You are a human being with good and some not so good qualities and that is plenty to live, love and laugh.
There is a reason why we say: you are what you think.
Means not your thoughts but yourself are holding you back.
My t. gave me several exercises to do. One of it was for each neagtive thought I had to write down 3 positive thoughts about life, myself. I didnt like it a bit. Kept me busy for months! Yet my thinking started shifting too. The way I thought and lived didnt happen over night, hence it took me and still does takes time to think differently. Yet I know it can be done. Thinking of you and keep you in my thoughts.

Anonymous said...
May 6, 2010 at 10:16 AM

Some days the little gremlins on our shoulder win one. Got to remember that even when we're taking two steps forward and one back, we're still going in the right direction. Take care!

sarah said...
May 6, 2010 at 7:31 PM

I used to do feel this way too all the time...I trusted in lies. I believed in deception. I had to learn to challenge what I was telling myself. It's the hardest thing b/c falling back into the 'dance' was so automatic. Praying for you. Believing for you....Stay strong ok.

Grace said...
May 6, 2010 at 7:48 PM

Lily, thank you for your continued support...I am so sorry for those lying thoughts! So difficult to overcome, I understand.

Catherine said...
May 6, 2010 at 8:48 PM

Dear Lily,

I went through the same issue in therapy just last week. It is so hard and scary, especially when you feel so down on yourself, I cried so much and just slept the rest of the day. I just fall apart when I let myself think of how hard I am on myself and think of all the lies I choose to believe every day. Sometimes they seem so real though, it's hard to differentiate between what is true and what is not. I hope we can both get through this.

love, Catherine

Just Be Real said...
May 6, 2010 at 10:15 PM

Lily, thank you for sharing. Sorry I have not been around lately. Catching up on some blogs. Here as always listening. I know what those nasty thought can do So very sorry for your struggle. Thank you for your continued encouragement. ((((Lily))))

Anonymous said...
May 7, 2010 at 8:44 PM

Don't believe any of those lies you hear in your head. They are not true, and they are not even "you" talking. I learned that the negative thoughts I have are usually from the devil. He is busy at work, deceiving us through our own minds and we don't even know it. You are valuable and special. Don't let him win over you. Stay strong...

Colleen said...
May 9, 2010 at 4:39 PM

My spiritual director said that those are the old tapes in our head that keep saying the same old things. He told me to make new tapes to erase the old ones. To tell myself the good things about me, over and over so they can erase the bad tapes. The old tapes are lies. Make new ones. You do not need to listen to that awful stuff. Hugs.

Anonymous said...
May 10, 2010 at 1:27 AM

I wish I had some amazing words of wisdom. But, know that I am thinking about you and sometimes crying is all you can do--and all you need to do.
Take care of yourself!

Paula said...
May 10, 2010 at 2:34 AM

Passing by to give you warm big hug and sharing some love. Wish you feeling better in due time.

Harriet said...
May 10, 2010 at 6:38 AM

I'm sorry you are feeling so down on yourself, I understand that completely. I don't know how to change it or I would offer advice also. But just know I don't think you are a loser, I think you are amazing. I hope this week will go a little better for you.

Just Be Real said...
May 11, 2010 at 6:30 AM

Checking in on you dear. ((((Lily))))