Eggshells

I'm walking on eggshells. Afraid to feel anything too happy, because the rug will just be yanked out from under me again. It hurts less if you don't fall from so high.

Seeds of doubt are forming. What if my life will always be like this? You're up, thinking you'll stay up, finally start forming a life, then CRASH. No hope, no light. Just overwhelming depression. Anxiety returns. No desire to see friends. Just stay locked in my house, my room, my bed.

Then I start thinking about what I want in life. Marriage, kids, peace. Then I start thinking about my age. Sure I'm still in my mid 20's now, but that soon is going to change to mid to upper 20's. If I can't get myself on track soon, I'm going to run out of time. I'm going to end up alone. No one will want me. Then the anxiety peaks and I feel even more hopeless than before.

Soon those eggshells will turn to glass and it will be nothing but pain.

8 comments:

Flannery said...
July 12, 2010 at 5:49 PM

I know exactly how you are feeling. Especially those first three sentences. Last night the crushing terror of future loneliness kept me up until 7am.

I hope things start feeling better. But sometimes feeling like crap feels--relaxing? Not in a soothing way, but in an ok-I-give-up-on-the-lying-about-being-alright-for-a-while kind of way. If that's the case, then I hope the relaxing of the hiding is helpful.

Flannery said...
July 12, 2010 at 5:49 PM

I know exactly how you are feeling. Especially those first three sentences. Last night the crushing terror of future loneliness kept me up until 7am.

I hope things start feeling better. But sometimes feeling like crap feels--relaxing? Not in a soothing way, but in an ok-I-give-up-on-the-lying-about-being-alright-for-a-while kind of way. If that's the case, then I hope the relaxing of the hiding is helpful.

Just Be Real said...
July 12, 2010 at 7:48 PM

((((Lily))))
Here listening.

Harriet said...
July 12, 2010 at 8:22 PM

{{{Hugs}}}

I know it doesn't seem like it, but you have a lot of time.

imaginenamaste said...
July 13, 2010 at 5:14 AM

i just wanted to send you a virtual hug this morning.

imaginenamaste said...
July 13, 2010 at 5:14 AM

i just wanted to send you a virtual hug this morning.

Grace said...
July 14, 2010 at 11:03 AM

Lily, I was just recently saying the same thing to myself...the more you have- the more you have to lose. The higher you climb - the further you fall. From the pessimistic Grace. But there are so many other cliche' sayings from the other side, the optimistic Grace side. It's all about the climb. Living life means taking chances but they're worth taking....I'll stop now.
The point I'm trying to make is - we have to take chances and risks right? We make them every day in every simple thing we do. (Ever drink water in Mexico:-)
You are growing and questioning, and like a child who first begins testing her surroundings, you are innocent and beautiful and curious and strong.
I see all these things in you. It is okay to doubt, to question things and even yourself. You will make it. You are beautiful, loved and wanted...
In light~ Grace

Dawn said...
May 1, 2012 at 12:45 AM

i know this post is from two years ago-but i just found your blog and am back reading. every word you wrote is exactly what i am afraid of...except i am 31! :(