The Next Step

My threshold for anxiety has been much lower lately. The slightest thing sends my heart racing, pushes me toward hyperventilation. It is a stark reminder of the constant anxiety and panic I lived in not too long ago. I don't ever want to go back to that again.

While sitting in the waiting room today waiting for my 2nd session with A, I had convinced myself that I had crossed some sort of line with her on Tuesday and there was going to be another punishment handed out. Add to the fact that she was 15 minutes behind and I had all but convinced myself that was a sign and she was going to drop me as a patient.

I really am my own worst enemy sometimes...

Of course I was overreacting and actually had a very good session. I apologized to her about my behavior earlier in the week. That normally is not me, but as I tried to explain to her, this situation is making me feel extremely vulnerable and apparently I get a little snarky when I feel that way.

Something has been oddly settling for me knowing that this boundary cannot be compromised and that I no longer have to constantly be thinking of a way to outsmart her and get my own way. It's freeing, really. What I have to decide now is which path I am going to take. This is one of the very few times where something is black or white. Ironic, seeing as a lot of my work with A is trying to learn to see the gray in life!

This past weekend when I was feeling so depressed, I collapsed into bed in tears, and began praying. Please, God, give me the strength to keep going. Give me the strength to do whatever it is I need to do to feel better. Help me to see the path that you have paved for me and the steps I need to take to stay on it. Help me to be open to whatever change comes my way.

The next morning I woke up and had my answer. My next step. Just like that. And it was definitely a step that I had avoided in the past and was hesitant to embrace at first. And there have already been bumps in trying to take this step. I should find out for sure tomorrow what the final outcome is on even being able to take this step.

I can't pray enough that this works out in my favor.