Epic Fail

Ugh.

I am not used to not getting my way. I'm used to arguing my point and "winning". Seldom do I feel motivated enough to argue about something if I don't feel that I am right. So I'm not used to losing because I am level headed enough to know when to put up a fight and when to let it go and concede the point.

It really wasn't my intention to approach this topic again with A tonight, but it came up in a question I posed in a journal writing and we ventured down this road.

What if I can't be perfect? (in reference to the cutting)

I never got a solid answer from her. She doesn't view the situation as "you have to be perfect or else", she views it as "you have a choice to do whatever you want to do."

Which as it did before, pissed me off. Of course I have a choice, I always have a choice. But in this instance, the decisions are not being decided by my desires to change, but rather perpetrated by her actions/rules/boundaries. I can comply because I don't want the consequence, but still not benefit from the goal. That has been my argument from day one. And I do believe that, but I think I believe it so much because I convinced myself that it was a good enough argument to convince A to back down from this boundary. To give me permission to go back to cutting myself. I won't lie and say that my hope was that I could be smart enough to convince her to back down one day. To challenge the situation with this argument and win.

I saw my opportunity tonight and I lost. And she called me on it.

I felt like a child again. Arguing my point with a brick wall. Hoping that if I keep pushing, it'll fall.

Apparently A is made of freaking Acme bricks.

And as much as I hate to say it, she's right for sticking to her guns.

Guns that beat my ego to death tonight, but probably exactly what I needed.

5 comments:

Just Be Real said...
July 14, 2010 at 6:20 AM

Lily I chuckled how you described A as Acme bricks. Oh I can feel for you.

I learned what we sometimes feel is a waste of time in our t. sessions are still authored by God's design. Here listening with you dear one. Thank you for sharing. ((((Lily))))

Finally Free said...
July 14, 2010 at 6:23 AM

Hi Lily,
I have had theses battle with God. He always wins, too. :)

Here listening,
Tammy

Harriet said...
July 14, 2010 at 6:23 AM

I agree with your argument too. I would be frustrated as well, I'm glad you have come to terms with the fact that that is what you need though. That is a good step.

Kathy M. said...
July 14, 2010 at 5:43 PM

What I've learned is that I'm powerless over other people. What they decide, the boundaries they set. I'm the only person I can change, damn it.

Change is hard, isn't it?

Hugs to you, Lily

inamaze said...
July 17, 2010 at 12:51 AM

My t says the same thing to me and and it pisses me off as well. She has really strong boundaries and they often set off a reaction in me.

I like your comment about 'made of freaking Acme bricks'. That is a great description.