Epic Fail

Ugh.

I am not used to not getting my way. I'm used to arguing my point and "winning". Seldom do I feel motivated enough to argue about something if I don't feel that I am right. So I'm not used to losing because I am level headed enough to know when to put up a fight and when to let it go and concede the point.

It really wasn't my intention to approach this topic again with A tonight, but it came up in a question I posed in a journal writing and we ventured down this road.

What if I can't be perfect? (in reference to the cutting)

I never got a solid answer from her. She doesn't view the situation as "you have to be perfect or else", she views it as "you have a choice to do whatever you want to do."

Which as it did before, pissed me off. Of course I have a choice, I always have a choice. But in this instance, the decisions are not being decided by my desires to change, but rather perpetrated by her actions/rules/boundaries. I can comply because I don't want the consequence, but still not benefit from the goal. That has been my argument from day one. And I do believe that, but I think I believe it so much because I convinced myself that it was a good enough argument to convince A to back down from this boundary. To give me permission to go back to cutting myself. I won't lie and say that my hope was that I could be smart enough to convince her to back down one day. To challenge the situation with this argument and win.

I saw my opportunity tonight and I lost. And she called me on it.

I felt like a child again. Arguing my point with a brick wall. Hoping that if I keep pushing, it'll fall.

Apparently A is made of freaking Acme bricks.

And as much as I hate to say it, she's right for sticking to her guns.

Guns that beat my ego to death tonight, but probably exactly what I needed.

5 comments:

Just Be Real said...
July 14, 2010 at 6:20 AM

Lily I chuckled how you described A as Acme bricks. Oh I can feel for you.

I learned what we sometimes feel is a waste of time in our t. sessions are still authored by God's design. Here listening with you dear one. Thank you for sharing. ((((Lily))))

Anonymous said...
July 14, 2010 at 6:23 AM

Hi Lily,
I have had theses battle with God. He always wins, too. :)

Here listening,
Tammy

Harriet said...
July 14, 2010 at 6:23 AM

I agree with your argument too. I would be frustrated as well, I'm glad you have come to terms with the fact that that is what you need though. That is a good step.

Kathy M. said...
July 14, 2010 at 5:43 PM

What I've learned is that I'm powerless over other people. What they decide, the boundaries they set. I'm the only person I can change, damn it.

Change is hard, isn't it?

Hugs to you, Lily

Anonymous said...
July 17, 2010 at 12:51 AM

My t says the same thing to me and and it pisses me off as well. She has really strong boundaries and they often set off a reaction in me.

I like your comment about 'made of freaking Acme bricks'. That is a great description.