Moving Forward

Man I slept horribly last night. Finally fell asleep at 3, then I was wide awake at 6:30. Decided that I should actually be productive today, so I headed to the gym. It's now about 10:15 and I have worked out, showered, scheduled a hair appointment, cleaned the apartment, started laundry, flipped my mattress, changed the sheets, cleaned out the litter box and took out the trash! Yay for getting stuff done! Of course now I'm exhausted and want nothing more than to go take a nap, but I know if I do I'm just going to continue messing with my internal clock. I head back to work in less than a month now and weaning myself off staying up til 3AM has to start somewhere!

My session last night with A went really well. My homework was to make a list of two things: what my life with cutting involves and what my life without cutting involves. I sat down and really put a lot of thought into this assignment, because I think it is really important for me to understand just what I'm getting out of it as opposed to what I can gain on the other side of the "line". It is now apparent to me just how many negative things I am adding to my burden for the benefit of one thing that makes me feel better fast. It was shocking to me to see my list and realize that. The second list was much shorter as I have had little experience in my "post-cutting" life to really fully understand what all is being affected. There are many more positive things on this side, but they can only be accomplished with very hard (emotional) work.

We talked a little bit about this and then discussed the situation. While I am not cutting now because of the boundary that is currently in place, that doesn't mean that I have made the decision to quit. I have that option. I can keep cutting, but at a high cost that I am not willing to pay. That being said, I still haven't fully embraced that I am going to stop. At first I didn't even take it into consideration because my instant plan was to try and change A's mind and get her to back off. Now that I realize that isn't going to happen, I'm left with two choices. Continue or quit.

But it's not so black and white. Everything I have done successfully in my life that has been hard (losing weight, choosing to start counseling, etc) was a result of MY desire and choice to change, influenced by no one else. This is much different. Even though I know I have a choice, I feel I don't. I feel like I won't be successful because my heart is just not in it. I haven't made the choice yet.

That being said, I'm getting much closer to being ready. I realized this weekend that all I'm doing with this is taking time away from myself. I can fix this and move onto actually processing through things emotionally and on a deeper level because I won't have cutting as a replacement. The sooner I make the choice to tackle this, the sooner I can grow in other areas of my life. The closer I will be to my goal of being able to be in a relationship without being in constant fear. The goal to be married and have kids. Cutting is just holding me back from what I want.

And I'm almost ready to leave it behind.


Marj aka Thriver said...
July 21, 2010 at 3:11 PM

Good for you, Lily! You ARE making strides!

A list like that can really put things in perspective, can't it?

Wow! It sounds like you accomplished a lot in one part of a morning. Maybe, instead of taking a nap (I know, that throws my nighttime sleep schedule off, too) you can treat yourself to some awake pampering.

Bernie said...
July 21, 2010 at 10:00 PM

It sounds that you are making wonderful progress Lily, I am happy for you. I know it is hard work and to me it seems you are not afraid of hard work.
What a full days work you had done before noon.....WOW Good Luck with everything sweetie......:-) Hugs

Flannery said...
July 22, 2010 at 12:55 AM

Big stuff! Those huge revelations always leave me feeling slightly tipsy.

I hope when you're finally ready to make that choice and take that jump, that you feel just how courageous and amazing you are being for doing it!

God Whispers said...
July 22, 2010 at 4:13 AM

Lily an encouraging post from you. Glad things are moving along. Here listening.... ((((Lily))))

Harriet said...
July 22, 2010 at 6:48 AM

I'm so sorry your t is holding the threat of termination over your head as a consequence of cutting. To me that doesn't seem like the proper way to get you to stop. I think you have to work on the underlying issues, and when those are under control the cutting will stop. I'm sorry you think that you can't be married and have kids if you cut. That's a very scary thought, and it's not even true.

I'm not saying cutting is a good thing, but it is a coping mechanism because something is wrong. It is a symptom. You have to treat the cause. What will happen when you don't see your t anymore and you don't have her threats to keep you from cutting? You'll be back where you started.

I hope this doesn't sound too harsh, I guess I just don't understand her methodology.

Colleen said...
July 22, 2010 at 9:33 AM

Wow. What courage you have. Hugs.

Grace said...
July 22, 2010 at 7:16 PM

Holy smokes, Lily, I'm tired just reading of all you accomplished in one morning! These days I find I can barely make it from my chair to the bathroom without being exhausted. I imagine it took a lot of strength and energy to do all you did - good for you!

I'm glad you are thinking you are almost ready to leave the cutting behind. That's good. I also echo what Harriet says above. I think too often the MHP community treat the "surface" issues that are a "problem" so to speak, as far as it is probably scary for them, and they don't want to see us hurt ourselves. But the decision, as you say, has to be your decision. That is how I feel anyway. I think your therapist is there to support you, and I understand she has to set boundaries and limits, but I think you still need to be in control. When I was SI'ing nearly every day to dissociate from my internal pain, my T made me go to DBT classes. MADE ME! Gave me the same ultimatum...and I am still resentful.
Anyway, I'll shut up now...because maybe that isn't what you need/want to hear right now.
So I am sending you love and support and encouragement and whatever strength I can muster. I believe in you, Lily. I believe in you even when you can't believe in yourself.... <3 Grace

Paula said...
July 23, 2010 at 3:47 AM

Aching beautiful and great stuff. This achievement of being almost there. You rock, yepp it is hard. Well, no one said it was easy, right? I have to grin, because sometimes it is so hard that it takes YEARS to get there - just on one tissue. SIGH. I love your courage, your dedication and that you have set your mind. Like you I want a healthier rlation, a husband and a home. SInce I had a deep epiphany on my way I now happily engaged to get married. Yepp there will be plenty of bumpy in the road, but they will be worthwhile on the joined road to a healthier life. You go girl, I am proud of you.

Anonymous said...
July 23, 2010 at 12:17 PM

I was the exact same way with my pill addiction. You have to WANT to stop. I firmly believe that you will only truly desire that if Christ is the center of your focus in life. He has to be able to fulfill and complete you.

Dawn said...
May 1, 2012 at 12:59 AM

halleleujah!!!!! you just something home for me too....too bad the fear is very tricky