Eventually

Trip to NY.C was amazing. Our flight was cancelled the day we were supposed to leave (very bad weather here) and we couldn't get a flight out til the next day at 6AM. So we lost a day but we were still able to do everything we wanted to, just at a much faster pace. We saw 3 Broadway plays and did all the popular touristy stuff. I'm pretty sure I walked over 30 miles in 3 days. What an experience :) I'm leaving for Colo.rado tomorrow morning. My aunt and teenage cousins live in NW Colo.rado, and my other cousin (who is more like my sister) is meeting me up there. Should be pretty relaxing. I'm hoping to do some white-water rafting, but we'll see how my back behaves.

I had a session last night that I thought I was prepared for, but as it has played out lately, I am taken completely off guard by the emotions and fear that come over me. It is becoming increasingly difficult for me to speak in session. Namely, she will prompt me for more clarification or information and I seize up. I know the answer or know why, but fear is keeping me from talking. The two things that are rearing their ugly heads that I did not expect to are my issues with food and God. I can keep it together when we are discussing anything but these things (or the abuse, but that is an obvious barrier that I expected). I told her the main thing that is keeping me from talking about it that these things are just coming to the surface and the fear that it is going to be something that I have to work on immediately keeps me from drawing attention to it. After all, it took me 10 years to seek help for the abuse. Having already given me my "assignment" for the week, she said that anything I felt like talking about would not result in additional work for the week. Knowing that, I felt much safer opening the door a little more. I was able to talk about the two main fears I have about food and God and left it at that. I wrote something last week that would have been helpful to share if I had the time, but we had none so I didn't say anything. Maybe next week.

I went to get a massage today, much needed after all that walking around NY.C. I was feeling a little panicky before going and was hoping it would calm me down. I ended up hyperventilating and had trouble getting myself back in order. Once I was able to get my breathing under control, I started crying. The music that was playing and my current state was just too much for me to handle, and even though my eyes stayed closed the whole time, my tears pushed their way through and streamed down my face. God bless my massage therapist. She knows enough about my life that she was able to keep me from going into a full blown panic attack. She gave me a huge hug before I left and told me that she was there if I ever needed anything. Of course, that sparked more tears that I thought I had under control. What it is about hugging that is like a release valve? I promised her I'd be alright. And I will... eventually. *sigh*