Excitement and Fear

I am proud of myself today. I had 4 journal writings from last week that I had the goal of going through in session today and I didn't let my fears overwhelm me. I even read 3 of them outloud, which is not something I normally do. The one I wrote from last night was a little too fresh and heavy for me to read myself, so I let her read it and decide the questioning she wanted to take with it. I was extremely weary of approaching this subject because I know I have some deep rooted fears there, which are making themselves known this week (more so than other weeks).

I have a date Friday night. I met a guy at my friend's party last weekend, and he found me via Face.book when I was tagged in some lovely pictures (it was an 80's theme and let me tell you, I rocked it!). I'm not one who is easily flattered by what others say to me, generally because I don't believe it, but he basically said he'd like to take me out sometime because I caught his attention immediately and he thought we would have a good time! So we exchanged numbers, talked for about 3 hrs Sunday night and he seems like a really awesome guy. He is taking me to the base.ball game Friday night. I told him I'm a huge sports fan and he called in a favor to one of his friends to get these tickets! I am excited :)

But at the same time, I am scared. I haven't dated anyone since I started confronting all these issues I have with my abuse. I feel like I am in a much better place to actually enjoy dating, but I am also so much more aware of how affected I am by what happened. I am still terrified of being touched. I am afraid to trust anyone with that information... so in the past I always sabotaged the relationship before it got to that point. I don't want to keep doing that, but I don't know how to not be afraid. I've been praying a lot this week. I've felt more peace than I've expected to so far this week, so I hope that can continue.

7 comments:

imaginenamaste said...
September 23, 2009 at 12:05 AM

That is a fantastic pic! You look like you are having so much fun!

AMAZING on the date! I actually just started dating someone myself. Scary, but in a good way.

And, I've reminded myself that my relationship with him is not the same relationship (okay, can't even call it that) as past issues.

Honestly, he hasn't really touched me yet. But, he respects me (he doesnt know why, just hat I move slow), he respects me!

Sounds like such an awesome date! See what happens :) You never know! And, if he really likes you, you can always ask to slow down or back off!

imaginenamaste said...
September 23, 2009 at 12:05 AM

That is a fantastic pic! You look like you are having so much fun!

AMAZING on the date! I actually just started dating someone myself. Scary, but in a good way.

And, I've reminded myself that my relationship with him is not the same relationship (okay, can't even call it that) as past issues.

Honestly, he hasn't really touched me yet. But, he respects me (he doesnt know why, just hat I move slow), he respects me!

Sounds like such an awesome date! See what happens :) You never know! And, if he really likes you, you can always ask to slow down or back off!

Just Be Real said...
September 23, 2009 at 4:07 AM
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Harriet said...
September 23, 2009 at 8:14 PM

I'm totally impressed - the fact that you read your journal entries out loud to your therapist, the date, and the really cool photo! You look great, and I bet you play a mean blow up guitar.

mile191 said...
September 24, 2009 at 11:32 AM

Fun picture. Wow, brave to read your journal entries out loud. I can't even go back and read my story. I see people comment on them, recent comments, and I think, Geez I can't even read that stuff. Well, hope your date goes well. hugs. mile 191...PS: Thanks for being there for me...

sarah said...
September 25, 2009 at 6:19 AM

woo hoo. you look awesome and hey you are awesome. Have a ton of fun. You deserve it. Sarah

Marj aka Thriver said...
September 25, 2009 at 2:33 PM

Kudos for going over the journal entries with your T. Good work! That party sounds like it was fun. I hope you have fun tonight, too. Just take it slow. Anyone who's going to rush you isn't worth having you around anyway.