What A Week

These last 7 days have been about as up and down as they can go. Birth and joy, then terror and panic, guilt, anxiety, and worry.

Tuck.er is doing remarkably well. His surgery had to be postponed because of concern about complications since his liver is not fully recovered yet, so they are looking to Monday to be his first surgery. He had his first bottle today :) He's such an angel. I can't wait to go back to the hospital and see him.

When all of this blew up Thursday, I was left with a profound feeling of guilt of how I had been viewing my personal situation. I felt horrible for cutting, and feeling so down about things that now did not seem like such a big deal when this little baby's life hung in the balance. It helped me keep my promise that I would not cut that week.

I am having trouble maintaining a balance of things. I am pushing myself further and further into denial and pulling other things in front to try and block entry to my feelings. I am in workaholic mode, doing way more than necessary and not delegating the responsibilities to my counterparts. If I keep on this pace I am going to burn out quickly. I am struggling with my weight. I have my eating under good control and am doing a good job of exercising at an appropriate rate, but due to medication I am not losing weight. In fact I have gained over 15 lbs since I started and cannot seem to drop an ounce no matter what I do. So I've made the decision to start tapering off my medication. The main reason is for the weight... I am falling back on unhealthy habits to try and induce we.ight lo.ss so I can get back to my "normal weight". Another reason is that I think it will help me get more in touch with my emotions. Unfortunately I am taking the risk of my anxiety returning and being a hinderance on my recovery, but that is a chance I am willing to take right now. My panic attacks have been under control, only having two in the last 3 months, and those were induced by very intense sessions. On an unconscious level, I think I already made this decision because I had forgotten (really and truly) to take my meds for about 5 days and was having some massive withdrawals. I couldn't figure out what the deal was, then it hit me. I called my doctor today and asked for a schedule to follow so I could taper off.

This week I have got to work on being more balanced. Normally on Wednesday's I work late, then go workout, come home and have time to eat, shower and go to bed. But because my schedule this week is a little more hectic than normal, I gave myself permission to just go home and veg today. It was nice. I'm about to go journal a little bit and dig into some things that we discussed at my last session. Why do I think it's wrong for me to feel the way I feel? Why do I minimize how I feel? That's my focus for this week... being OK with my feelings.


imaginenamaste said...
September 16, 2009 at 11:09 PM

No worries with me....a former (creepy) student saw me one day and kept trying to give me hugs and I kind of shrugged it off (he was drunk). Then I kept getting really strange phone calls from him. But, hopefully over. Filed a report for good measure. I'm not sure that it is him, but I think I may try to file a form that is like a disciplinary form to just have his inappropriate actions on file with my College of Education (have a fellowship, TAs and faculty fill them out). It was a Sunday and like 4 pm.

I'm glad little Tucker is doing well! I bet that is a huge relief right there!

I spend a lot of time w/ kids with severe disabilities. Disabilities that I can never fix, no matter the degree or what not. I really struggle with the same idea--thinking I am less important or shouldn't have a struggle. My therapist reminded me that everyone is important, and I have to tell myself why I am important to not think that way...still working on that....

Hope school is going well!

Just Be Real said...
September 17, 2009 at 4:30 AM

Dear one you have a lot going on it is no wonder it may be hard for you to keep balance. Good news to learn that Tucker is doing well.

Just take one day at a time, as silly as it sounds. You are important dear!

Blessings and super hugs!

sarah said...
September 18, 2009 at 8:17 PM
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