You Have To Be Ready

Sunday I met my mom and sister for lunch, but they both came over to my place first so we could all drive together. My sister had posted on Facebook that she was excited about something that was going to happen the previous night, then in the morning posted how awful it was. Apparently my mom knew more about what the entire situation was because she started speaking in code, but I was able to get her to be more open. She's afraid of being judged. I have been hard on her in the past, so I understood her hesitancy.

Back in July I had asked her if she wanted to get together one weekend and she told me she was busy. Again, I asked what she was doing and she wouldn't tell me because she was afraid I was going to judge her. Through a short game of 20 questions, I found out that she had been in contact with an old high sch.ool teacher of hers (she's now 22) that she had a huge crush on. They had been talking about meeting up that weekend. Why would that be a problem for me? Well, he's married.

Yikes.

I don't approve of it, but I can't do anything about it. She's an adult, he's an adult. I didn't tell her anything but to be careful.

So rewind to this past Saturday. They had finally set up plans to meet up (while his wife was conveniently out of town, nice, right?) and she said she was excited all day long but as she was getting ready she was so nervous. She downed 3 shots to calm her nerves, then drove (yikes, again) 30 minutes to meet him. She said the whole time she was there, she kept downing drinks to calm her nerves. She said he kept leaning over and touching her, just stroking her arm or leg, or touching her hair. Thoroughly weirded out, she said she went outside to smoke (according to her so trashed she couldn't even sit up straight) and he came up behind her and started rubbing her back and telling her he wanted to take her home so he could take care of her. I have never seen my sister so panicked as she was telling us this story. She said she was freaking out, that she didn't want him to touch her and that she just wanted to leave.

I looked at her and told her, "That's what M used to do to me. He'd come up behind me and start touching me, telling me things that sounded loving but he was just earning my trust so he could hurt me later." I told her, even now I freak out when people touch me, especially guys I don't know really well. I told her the reason she was freaking out is because she knew he was not a safe person, and that her instincts were telling her to run away. And the fact that she had to drink before she got there and the whole time she was there should be a clue that something was wrong.

We let it go at that.

My little sister is crumbling. Since she broke up with her boyfriend of 5 years in July, she is finding out what it is like to try and find a guy who is not going to hurt or take advantage of her. She is on the road to alcoholism, drinking every day, often getting very drunk. She is angry. She lashes out with little reason or provocation. While her coping mechanisms are completely different than mine, she is headed down the same road I was on. That road where denial throws you head first into a brick wall and you have no idea what hit you.

You see, my little sister was abused by the same man who abused me. And I am watching the slow, painful train wreck of her life knowing that I can do nothing to stop it... why? Because she's not ready. She doesn't realize that her life is revolving around her denial that what happened when she was 10 years old didn't affect her. She hasn't the slightest clue. Even if I told her, she wouldn't see it. She is going to crash and burn and it breaks my heart that this has to happen to her, too. I've was there. 21 months ago I hit that brick wall and my life fell apart. But when that time comes, she is going to have something I didn't... a sister who has been there and can help. When she is ready, I will be there for her.