Finding The Reason

Ugh.

I had a panic attack in session today in the midst of discussing my need to cut lately. I can't pinpoint anything specific that caused me to cut Friday night, but I went looking through drawers and boxes because my cuticle scissors weren't going to be good enough. I found some straight raz.ors in my toolbox I didn't even know I had and cut more in one night than I ever have.

I knew by revealing this that I was setting myself up for being asked to commit to no cutting this week, but she also threw in asking me to throw away my raz.ors. Immediate panic set in. I can't do that yet. Knowing they are there serves as a comfort even if I don't use them. I just don't think I WANT to do that yet. For whatever reason I have convinced myself that this is what I have to do in order to feel better and I just don't have the desire to change it, even though I know I should.

Ugh.

5 comments:

imaginenamaste said...
September 9, 2009 at 12:17 AM

I understand about the cutting serving a purpose. Could you maybe put them in a box where you can't get them instead of giving them to your therapist? That way, you know they are still there--almost like a safety blanket?

Good luck avoiding the flu....we've been told here that the drs are dx anyone presenting w/ 2 of the symptoms as H1N1 which is silly b/c something as simply as sore throat and fever could be any number of things! At least it doesnt seem to be too bad!

Sending you happy thought

And, healthy thoughts (and ppl thought I was nuts when i was teaching that I had antibacterial things....just good sense!)

Just Be Real said...
September 9, 2009 at 4:13 AM

Dear one, thank you for being brave enough to even post about your struggles with cutting! I like what imaginenamaste suggested about storing the sirrors in another location hard to reach, if possible.

My heart goes out to you dear one! I pray that you will be touched in this area one day not to cut.

Blessings dear one...

Harriet said...
September 9, 2009 at 9:49 PM

I'm sorry about the cutting, I know the feeling. I wonder what caused you to feel you needed to cut on Friday? Maybe your sister's meeting with the teacher? Or was that after Friday? And I'm sorry your therapist made that demand on you, it's interesting how different therapists handle cutting so differently. I think it's a good idea to hide the tools, rather than throw them away. Throwing them away doesn't really help anyway, you can always buy more.

Erin Merryn said...
September 10, 2009 at 11:56 PM
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
enlighteningthedarkness said...
September 15, 2009 at 12:25 AM

I concur with the other commentators that putting cutting implements in a place that is difficult to get to is better than throwing them away.

I get the sense sometimes that some therapists don't understand cutting. That the idea of self-mutilation is so horrific to people that they can't get past the physical effects to see the emotions behind it. They seem to automatically want to get rid of the "weapon" even when it may be impractical to do so. For example, my sister used kitchen knives. When my mom tried hiding them, she just used razor blades from a disposable razor or found the knives. Once, when I couldn't get to my razors, I just smashed a mirror. In short, throwing out the "weapon" doesn't magically solve anything.

The other reason for making "preferred" cutting implements more difficult to get to is to give yourself more time to find a better way to relieve your emotions. Perhaps you can put something positive in the same area as the cutting implements. I kept some of my razors in a case with pretty beads and stuff that had happier memories attached to them.

I'm also wondering if you've talked to your therapist about seeing a psychiatrist. It sounds like anxiety is a real problem for you and there are medications that can help with that.